Episode Report Card Gustave: A- | 235 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT The Debriefing of Kiefer
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 14 | Aired on 2002.03.05
Alberta and Nina -- who really look like they should be opening up an independent womyn's bookstore in Northhampton, Massachusetts already -- approach the KieferKlan. Kiefer makes introductions all around like it's Take Your Daughter To Work Day at CTU. (Or, as my friend and co-worker Ilona once famously remarked, Take Your Daughter to Work…And Leave Her There! Day.) When Nina and Bride are introduced -- apparently for the first time -- it's a country song by Loretta Lynn just waiting to happen. But before anyone can grab a banjo and a moonshine jug, Alberta starts coldly ushering the Kieferettes over to the ambulance. "But Kiefer, what's going to happen with you?" asks Bride. "It's all right, sweetheart," says Kiefer. "They just have to debrief me." Debrief? Do I even need to comment? One last family hug is performed; Kiefer assures the Kieferettes that everything will be all right. Bride gives Kiefer this look of suppressed desperation as if to say, "Uh, no, it's not going to be all right, douchebag! Every time we get separated, something insane happens!" You would think by now that Kiefer wouldn't let his family out of his sight for a second, but then, you would also say that Oedipus wouldn't have fulfilled his prophecy of killing his father and marrying his mother if he'd only stayed on that mountain and refrained from killing or sleeping with anyone. And where would world literature be then? Huh?
After a few longing glances back at the Kieferettes, Kiefer is escorted back inside CTU. On their way back, Alberta informs Kiefer that they'll be "doing more than just debriefing him." Again, I don't dare to comment. Why gild the lily? Kiefer is being placed under house arrest and questioned by the FBI. And as we learned from the 1992 film Basic Instinct, it is very important not to be wearing panties when questioned by the authorities. The ambulance drives off to the clinic. Kiefer gives it a pensive look. He begs Nina to haul ass over to the clinic and see that his wife and daughter are okay. Aw! Kiefer, don't worry about your family. It's already Episode 14. I'm sure that the Kieferettes aren't doing anything until midnight but giving each other pedicures, sipping cocoa, and curling up by a blazing fire with a copy of The Courage To Heal Workbook by Laura Davis. Everything will be fine and uneventful from here on in. Trust me. Kiefer is taken to a holding room complete with -- you guessed it -- a couple of Emeco Naval Chairs and a Modotti table. He asks a CTU extra for some water, and sits and waits in private for his debriefing.