Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | 93 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Crappily Ever After
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 2002.09.29
Parlor. The Seven Ethnically Diverse Dwarves have fashioned a glass bier, within which lies the rapidly decomposing corpse of Snow Raige. I take that back. Seems the Seven Ethnically Diverse Dwarves specialize in anti-decomposition glass biers, so Snow Raige won't be losing any fingers to corpse-eating rats anytime soon. Lead Dwarf (and I'm strenuously avoiding calling him "Head Dwarf," as that would be far too tasteless for reasons that should be obvious to all) wonders what's keeping Snow Raige's prince. Piper explains the whole lonely loser thing to the ethnically diverse swarm at her feet, and they immediately set to bickering amongst themselves over who gets to slip Raige the tongue. Lead Dwarf shuts them all up, then apologizes for their behavior, cracking an unfunny as he does so about how long it's been since they've gotten laid. Piper whatevers and crosses to retrieve the Woodsman's axe. Big Bad Grams tensely wonders what Piper intends to do with the weapon. Piper has no intention of sitting on her rapidly expanding pregnant-lady ass and waiting for Little Red's wolf to attack. Big Bad Grams pshaws, claiming that of all the fairy tales, Little Red Riding Hood is the one that has no basis in fact. Piper disputes this claim, and the two head to the attic to consult Piper's Big Book Of Fairy Tales. As they wander up the stairs, one of the underling dwarves asks Lead Dwarf, "Think she knows that's a wolf?" Lead Dwarf deadpans, "None of our business." Oh, fine: Heh.
The Ball. FrankenFeebs and the hideous monstrosity Eilish is calling an evening gown plow through the outer reception area, trailed limply by the Dolt. Freddie Prinze Charming Junior appears to offer FrankenFeebs a ride home. Cole races onto the scene to warn Phoebe about Prinze Charming's ulterior motives. FrankenFeebs clocks him one in the jaw, grabs Prinze Charming's hand, and disappears from the hall after ordering the Dolt to keep an eye on the ex-husband. "He's evil," Cole warns. "And what are you?" counters the Dolt, aiming for "stoic and manly" but ending up somewhere in the general vicinity of "gargoyle-faced pantywaist."
Attic. Piper consults her Big Book as the Big Bad lurks in the shadows, twisting the red riding hood into a satin garrote of sorts. Piper runs through the whole "what big ears/eyes/teeth you have" checklist while Big Bad Grams silently advances on her from behind, answering in kind. When Big Bad Grams reaches "the better to eat you with," its voice tumbles down into a guttural howl. Piper whips about on the sofa, takes one look at the Big Bad off-screen, and unhinges her lower jaw to shriek in terror. The camera dives into her mouth, and...