Episode Report Card Keckler: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Home on the Rage
By Keckler | Season 4 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.21.2004
Somewhere on Vulcan, a gong bongs. Every time a gong bongs, a Vulcan gets his ears! I wonder if I've had too much to drink when that visual makes me laugh really, really hard. It's dark as T'Ma bongs her gong. That could get real dirty real fast. Trip sleeps topless. T'Pol wakes him up, tells him its oh-four-hundred and that, as guests, they are expected to prepare the morning meal. Remind me never to go to Vulcan.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: What kind of meal are they preparing that they have to get up at four in the morning to cook it? Just sneak down a few minutes before the alarm and throw some eggs on.
Keckler: Vulcans are vegetarian.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: Whatever -- Ktarian eggs are a delicacy. With dillweed!
Keckler: I have to recap that movie just so I can say, "Yes. Yes, you are, Kirk!" in that scene.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: That's a great comeback, by the way. So much better than "I know you are but what am I?"
Keckler: Are you making fun of me?
The Evil Dr. Mathra: I'm just saying, who's cracking all the jokes in this recap?
Over breakfast, T'Pol makes small talk about the garden. T'Ma comments that she's had "ample" time to tend to them. T'Pol doesn't think it sounds like T'Ma's enjoying her retirement. T'Ma changes the subject and asks why she's home, but T'Pol didn't think she needed a reason. "I thought perhaps you had decided to rejoin the High Command," T'Ma pressures. That's not T'Pol's intent, and she says she might take a commission with Starfleet, which means she won't be home for a few years. T'Ma is not pleased with this, but suffers in silence. Trip takes a small bite of what is clearly a fig. "God, just because the planet is named for a Greek -- well, Roman -- god, doesn't mean they have to eat like characters from Clash of the Titans!" the Apparently Hysterical Beyond Belief Dr. Mathra blusters. T'Ma comments that the "gespar" isn't fresh. "My stasis unit needs to be replaced," she says, glaring at bit at her daughter. Is she talking about her refrigerator? Trip says he'd be happy to take a look at it. Oh, dear, a widowed woman of a Certain Age with a refrigerator in need of repair and her estranged daughter's boyfriend all ready to take a look at it? This has all the trappings of a Lifetime movie starring Suzanne Pleshette and Tori Spelling. If she brings him a cooling glass of lemonade, Trip better watch his ass. Literally. "My daughter has always been fascinated by alien worlds," T'Ma says. "She was all too eager to finish her schooling and leave Vulcan." T'Pol recalls that her mother was supportive of that initiative. "A mother is encouraged to push her young out of the nest, at some point they're supposed to return," T'Ma argues. Do they have birds on Vulcan? T'Ma turns back to Trip: "I'm told that on Earth a human child chooses her own path in life -- they put their own wishes ahead of their families." Trip shrugs that that's true for the most part. T'Ma snaps her eyes back to T'Pol and comments that she's learned much from "them," hasn't she? T'Pol argues that her T'Pa would have approved. They argue a bit more before T'Pol realizes they shouldn't scuffle in front of a guest.
Somewhere at a Star Trek convention, Malcolm gives out his autograph. He thanks two women, who giggle and walk away. Malcolm, May-Jealous, and Phlox are in a bar, and May-Jealous snorts that Malcolm just had to wear "that jacket." Aw, don't worry, May-Jealous -- Malcolm can sign all the autographs he wants, but he saves the love letters for you and you only. "Do you think I wear this jacket to attract attention?" Malcolm asks innocently, just as some boozer walks over and starts trouble with them. He pointedly asks Phlox how his drink is and suggests that his kind might feel more comfortable in another bar. Phlox thanks him for his concern but is perfectly fine where he is. Boozer continues to insinuate and offend until Phlox gets up to leave, but Reed stops him, saying they aren't going anywhere. "If you're friend wants to go, let him go," Boozer says. May-Jealous is all, "Don't be oppressin'!" just as other boozers start menacing around. Fight! Fight! Boozer lays into the Starfleet officers about giving Earth's address to every Tom, Dick, and Hairy alien they meet. Reed stands up and says, "Sir, why don't you just go back to the bar?" Boozer mock-salutes him, pushes him in the Personal Space, and tells him he doesn't take orders from him. May-Jealous backs Reed up, and tells Boozer to step away from the table. Phlox looks very uncomfortable. Boozer does that thing where he pretends to look away right before he throws a punch. That "pretend to look away" thing is the bar fight equivalent to holding a gun sideways when shooting. It's all for show. Reed blocks Boozer's punch and sends him flying as May-Jealous takes out another ruffian. Phlox stands up and whispers, "Gentlemen -- please!" No one heeds him. More fighting. Boozer stands up and looks at Phlox, who -- oh, my god, what the HELL is that? Phlox's entire phace expands twice in size like a giant puffer phish. He even looks like he's got phins! Everyone stops fighting. Even Reed and May-Jealous look completely freaked out. The ruffians run out, and Phlox's phace dephlates. What. THE hell? Now, what I really want to know is -- did any other parts of Phlox blow up as well? Because Reed totally looks down and says, "Doctor!" all impressed. Phlox nervously champs on a pretzel. Hey, Phlox? Dizzy Gillespie called, he wants his party trick back.