Episode Report Card Keckler: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Home on the Rage
By Keckler | Season 4 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.21.2004
Hey -- did you all know BRENT SPINER'S going to be on next week?
In the Vulcan Kitchen -- which, by the way, is totally going to be the name of my cookbook -- Trip fiddles with something technical as T'Ma walks in and begins washing and rubbing a bunch of really phallic-looking vegetables. Trip thanks her for letting him stay there, and T'Ma notes that "expressing gratitude is an Earth custom." Remember that, because there's going to be a test later. Trip says that T'Pol's lucky to have a home to return to. "I know that you're romantically involved with my daughter," T'Ma comments. Trip's all "who in the what now?" T'Ma stares him down and informs him that "there's no logic in denying it," and wants to know how long he's been attracted to her. Trip sighs and says, "I knew we had some kinda chemistry the first time we got into" -- I swear I thought he was going to say "each other's pants" here -- "an argument. I never had fun arguing with ennywun before." T'Ma admits that T'Pol never said anything to her, but she knows because she's her mother. Ugh. Spare me the whole Family Themes Are the Same All Over the World, Nay, Galaxy tripe. Trip walks over to what must be the stasis unit and slides a loooong cylinder into a hole. Oookay. T'Ma is all surprised that he repaired her fridge and suggests, "If you have the time, perhaps you can repair my food synthesizer?" Right, her "food synthesizer." I'm just saying, those phallic vegetables aren't just for eating by a widowed woman of a Certain Age. Trip goes to answer a knock at the door, and Frank Lloyd Vulcan steps in with a need to talk to T'Pol. Why do aliens have to do the same things humans do? I mean, this knocking on the door to be admitted crap -- why can't they have a custom where they lick the door and then jump from side to side until someone notices them? Not practical, you say? Well, neither is having sex once every seven years, so there!
In Mr. Miyagi's garden, Frank Lloyd Vulcan wants to hear all about T'Pol's life on the ship. Cutting to the chase -- because, really, we don't need any more Edith Wharton-esque motifs than is strictly necessary -- T'Pol still doesn't want to marry him, but it sounds like Frank Lloyd Vulcan and his parents are going to force the issue. T'Pol tells him to move on, he doesn't want to. T'Pol tells him she's been very ill recently and will take a long time to recover, Frank Lloyd Vulcan wants to get the best doctors to treat her. "I intend to go through with this," Frank Lloyd Vulcan says firmly. "What if I call the Coconut Coffee?" T'Pol demands. "Is that really what you want? A fight to the death?" he adds for those of us who haven't been lucky enough to see "Amok Time." Frank Lloyd Vulcan then says that Trip would make an interesting challenger. T'Pol CRACK WHORES that Frank Lloyd Vulcan -- who is quite the beefy lad for a Vulcan -- is amused by all this. Frank Lloyd Vulcan assures her that he is not, and encourages her to call a challenger, if she wishes, for he will know what to do. T'Pol tells him it would be best if he left. Before he leaves to polish his ahn woon, Frank Lloyd Vulcan tells T'Pol that if she marries him, her mother will get her job back. Frank Lloyd Vulcan informs T'Pol that T'Ma was asked to resign and then adds -- all hiding behind his coquettishly painted fan -- that he's said too much. He promises T'Pol that if she marries him, she'll only have to live on Vulcan for one year. "Is that what you want? An absent wife?" T'Pol demands. "I'd want you to be happy," Frank Lloyd Vulcan corrects her. Wait, isn't happiness an emotion? Come on -- they couldn't have found a better way to script that? "I want you to do what you want." See? Easy. Ah, but maybe he's a CRACK WHORE as well! Yes, yes, that must be it. But you know, say what you will about Frank Lloyd Vulcan -- I just can't hate him. He's pleasant, he's calm, and he's bland! T'Pol again suggests that he leave, and this time he does.