Episode Report Card Erin: B | 161 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT You Give Me Fever
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 10 | Aired on 2003.12.07
Syd starts to do that drunk cry that we're all familiar with (unless, of course, we're not raging alcoholics like I am). "I dunno," says Syd, sniffling. "What?" says Will, taking the bait. "I'm just alone," she says, looking at Will plaintively. She starts to cry in earnest, and Will kisses her on the forehead and gathers her in his arms. Awwwww yeah. She cries. He comforts her. She pulls back and lays one on him. Awwwww yeah, again. Some more. Heh. Will kind of goes with it, and before we can see a full-on sex scene, we switch to Buenos Aires, and the collective audience screams out, "NOOOOOO! We want Syd/Will sex! We want the SWILL! It's the only damn sex we've had this season so far! COME ON!" But, sadly, there is no SWILL. There is only…Buenos Aires.
And a fountain. A fountain in Buenos Aires. Some hot guy on a bench picks up a newspaper. Sloane's sitting next to him. He tells Hot Guy that the target is a government employee. Notice how he doesn't say "Sydney Bristow." That'll be important later. Hot Guy wants to know when and where. Sloane tells him that when he knows, Hot Guy will know. Hot Guy says, "And just when I was beginning to believe the glowing press about you being such a…humanitarian." Heh. By the way, I have no idea who the actor is who's portraying Hot Guy, but his Argentinean accent is lovely. Melissa George? Are you listening? Sloane just says, "You're a smarter man than I," and leaves.
Moscow. Huh. We've been here before, I believe, but I have nothing pithy to say about it. Must be the vodka. Mmmm…vodka. After the Moscow establishing shot, we're in some random torture room, and Sark bursts in, looking down at Lazaracratenbarrel, who's strapped to what looks like a makeshift torture chair. It must be underground, because we hear things dripping in the background. Sark sends some random guard out of the room, and he slams the door shut. Sark moves over to Lazapotterybarn and straddles a chair right in front of him. Sark looks at him curiously.
"Who are you?" asks Lazarey, because, really, how long can I continue this "make up Lazarey's name as you go along" thing? "You abandoned me as a child," says Sark. "The vague memory I have of you, you were physically abusive." Well, that's reason enough to have this guy in shackles as far as I'm concerned. You should kick him a couple times too, while you're at it. But Sark just goes on to say that Lazarey left him eight million dollars and should he go on? Well, yes, actually, you SHOULD go on, Sark, because we want to know what your first name is. Lazarey kind of looks at Sark in recognition. "Hello, Daddy," says Sark. Heh. Lazarey's all, dude? You weren't grateful? Your eight-mil inheritance wasn't enough? Sark's all, I know the truth, dude. And therefore, I feel no remorse, seeing you all strapped up like this. "I was an apparatchik by profession," says Lazarey, making me squeal with glee because I spelled "apparatchik" properly, apparently, even though I have no idea what it is, because Microsoft Word didn't call me on the spelling! Okay. Gimme a minute. I have to go and see what in the HELL "apparatchik" actually means…according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, "apparatchik" means "a member of a Communist apparat" or "an official blindly devoted to superiors or to the organization." "Apparat" gleans no further answers other than that the word is Russian. Happy now?