Episode Report Card Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Search for Phlox
By Keckler | Season 4 | Episode 16 | Aired on 02.24.2005
Columbia flips upside down and moves in to have sex with Enterprise. The ships get closer...closer...closer! They're really close now! Keep going! Right there! CLOSER! Quantum tells everyone to brace for warp field contact. With the not being able to drop below warp five-point-two without exploding, we decided that this whole thing was Speed, with Trip as Keanu Reeves and Reed as Sandra Bullock. But see, as relationships based on intense experiences never work, they're clearly going to have base it on sex. Reed watches through an open bay as Columbia moves (CLOSERRRAAAAH!) into position. The warp fields connect and the ships SHUDDER with the contact. "Hold the ship steady, Travis, or Chef will know who to blame for the mess in the galley," Reed snarks. It's interesting how flippant a few days in the brig makes you. Sort of makes you forget all the crying you were doing. Quantum sends T'Pol off to make sure everything's ready for Trip in Engineering. Reed deploys a grappler-tether, which SPURTS from Enterprise and connects DEEP, DEEP INSIDE Columbia. "Nice shootin', Malcolm," Trip drawls upside down. Trip comms Cpt. Happy Pants and says he's head-ing out. "Be as quick as you can," she says. Interestingly enough, that's exactly what she said to Quantum. Trip starts to climb between the two ships. He stops to smell the stars until Cpt. Happy Pants rebukes him, saying, "Eyes on the cable, Commander, I need you back here in one piece." I'll just bet she does. Reed calls encouragement down to Trip. I imagine that if T'Pol were the one on the other end, Trip would climb much faster. Especially if she pulled her pants down.
T'Pol announces that the warp field is fluctuating and Travis says, "Sir, I'm having trouble holding position." Just grab the headboard. Trip continues to climb and calls out, "Don't mean to be a pest, but can someone tell me what's going on?" "You're almost here, Trip," Reed says breathily, "keep going!" T'Pol tries to stabilize the warp field. Travis tries to fly straight. Reed yells at Trip to hurry up because the cable is starting to break free. Prematurely. T'Pol's still having problems with the warp field. She's not quite there yet. She needs a little more time. Trip grunts, groans, sighs, and fiiiiiinally reaches Reed, who yanks him aboard. The cable breaks and pulls down what looks like a lot of important junk before hurtling into space behind the two ships. "Permission to come aboard?" Trip asks. Oh, sure, he asks REED for the permission -- REED, who isn't even his superior -- but he completely ignores that little professional courtesy with Cpt. Happy Pants. Not that I really care about being professionally courteous to Cpt. Happy Pants but I would be recapperly remiss if I didn't point it out. Reed comms Quantum that he has him. He certainly does. Quantum exhales deeply and asks Trip if he's all right. "I'll feel a lot better when this is over. There's only one way to do this, Cap'n -- a cold start. I have to shut down the reactor and reset the algorithms." So, Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
The Evil Dr. Mathra steps into the room and adopts a professorial stance. That is, if the professor was stancing while shaking with rage. "You don't RESET algorithms. Algorithms are math-e-ma-ti-cal MODELS that EXIST ON PAPER. You IMPLEMENT an algorithm -- like with a computer program or even subroutine. It's like mistaking the designs for a car and the actual car. Or a building and its blueprints. You CAN'T 'reset' BLUEPRINTS! You CAN'T 'cold start' A DESIGN! Next thing you know, Trip's gonna tell Quantum that the Turing machines need oil. Here's a secret: the Turing machines exist only on paper! Jesus! It's like they are actively poaching faux math writers from Numb3rs! It's wrong, and to someone who knows what the words actually mean? It's instantly jarring. Which, in my studied opinion, is the hallmark of ATROCIOUS writing!"