Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | 173 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Never Was There A Tale Of More Woe!
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 5 | Aired on 2003.10.19
Face! You thought we were going to commercial, didn't you? Don't worry, so did I. We're actually heading into one of the creepiest scenes I've ever encountered on this show. And I say this knowing full well that they ripped it all off from George Sluizer's The Vanishing, but hey, if Kiefer can swipe that entire movie for a crappy remake, Charmed can crib from it for a couple of scenes, right?
The sound, which had crescendoed with the orb and Lady Montanague's wail, cuts out as abruptly as the picture. Through the blackness, we hear a match struck and, presently, that match enters the inky frame to light a candle. The candle flares to reveal a fairly unconscious Buttfuck with Rolivia reclining behind him, stroking his face as she soothes, "It's okay. You're all right, sweetheart. We couldn't be together before, but we can be together now." Buttfuck slowly opens his eyes and lets his head drop to his right. His eyes widen in horror as the camera pulls back to reveal that he's actually lying next to Olivia's rotted corpse. Buttfuck screams as the camera twists above him and flies up out of what's revealed to be a sealed marble bier, helpfully labeled "CALLAWAY." And with that, we head into the final commercial break.
The camera pans across rows of headstones before settling on the Mausoleum's mausoleum, which the Mausoleums apparently share with the eminent Callapulets. Slampiece Buttfuck's gasping mouth suddenly fills the screen and despite my best intentions, I start screaming, "LIPS! LIIIIIIPS!" Oh, my wasted youth. All of those weekend evenings at the Capital City Mall's Midnight Madness, tossing toilet paper at the screen and frozen hot dogs at the back row. No, I wasn't one of the freaks who dressed like Magenta. I just yelled a lot. Hey, it wasn't like there was anything else to do in Central Pennsylvania on a Saturday night. Shut up. Anyway, the camera stays close on Balthazar Getty's face during what follows, tracking up from his mouth to his frantically darting eyes as Rolivia sings, "It's the only way we can be together." Buttfuck whips his head towards the candle, which slowly starts to gutter as the oxygen evaporates in the crypt. "Dying's not so hard," Rolivia whispers encouragingly. We see for a moment that she's still gently stroking his face as she murmurs, "That's it." The flame wanes. The camera shifts back to Buttfuck's eye as the light dims. "Just breathe," Rolivia softly instructs as the screen fades to black.