Episode Report Card Gustave: A- | 238 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT Blondes and Bombshells
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 1 | Aired on 2002.10.29
Back at CTU, which hasn't been redecorated since we last saw it, the girl who played Darlene on Roseanne is apparently the new Jalapeño/Milo. She approaches Soul Patch -- who has shaved off his soul patch -- and asks him some really obscure Whatever Technology questions about how he wants to her organize data. Soul Patchless tells Jalapeño 2.0 that he doesn't care. Mason enters. He's grown a beard. Jalapeño 2.0 -- whose real name is Paula -- asks him some overly detailed Whatever Technology questions that he doesn't care about either. Mason tells her to stop. Give the girl a break. She's just really excited to be back at work, seeing as it's been five years since Roseanne was cancelled. She exits.
Mason and Soul Patchless discuss airport security upgrades, since that's been the focus of CTU's work lately now that the Drazens have been brought down. Mason makes a remark about hating his job and how he "should be in D.C.," which I guess means that he didn't get that promotion Palmer promised him last year. Soul Patchless takes a sip of coffee, and we learn that yet another cast member has been brought back from last season: Soul Patch's Chicago Cubs coffee mug. I'm guessing that this is Nina 2.0 entering, wearing a puce-colored clingy rayon suit and suffering from a case of bitchface. She tells Mason that Eric Rayburn from the NSA has just called about an urgent matter, and hands Mason a sheet of paper, presumably a fax from Rayburn's office. The fax makes Mason gasp. "This can't be right," says Mason, exiting to return the call. I'm guessing that the paper had a pencil drawing of a mushroom cloud and the word "KABOOM" written underneath it. Nina 2.0 slithers over to SoulPatchless's desk and tells him that the NSA wants CTU to bring in Kiefer. As she mentions Kiefer's name, her eyes light up. It's as if she met Nina at some mole sleepover, and over a game of Truth or Dare, Nina told her how great Kiefer was in bed. Soul Patch wants to know why they're kalling for Kiefer. Nina 2.0 says she doesn't know. "Isn't Kiefer inactive?" she asks. Oh, that wasn't suggestive at all.
At the mention of Kiefer's name, the screen splits, and a headless figure in a pair of hiking boots, black jeans, and a flannel chamois shirt can be seen walking down a city street. It's Kiefer! But then, we knew that from his confident, purposeful and penetrating stride. It's the kind of gait that wins Golden Globe awards, but doesn't run fast enough to catch up with Julia Roberts as she runs off to Ireland with Jason Patric. A facial close-up reveals that, one year after his wife died (and his daughter didn't), Kiefer is bearded, shell-shocked, and gaunt with grief. He approaches a Ford minivan, gets inside, and drives off. Wow, I can't get over the acceleration on that Ford minivan! That engine is so well made, owning one would almost make the loss of a loved one bearable!