Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.30.2006
People singing "I Will Survive": a big blonde dude, a skinny blonde dude, bunch of bad people, a girl crying that she wants to sing "another dang song," a girl in retina-detaching pants, lots of people. There's a large girl under the impression that she is "Trinity" from the popular Matrix films, some very very dramatic people, big people, little people, Michael Jackson, a Dave Navarro transvestite, a girl who giggles after she accidentally sings she should have "changed that fucking lock," shaved-head crotch guy from before, that hipster guy I like in the black shirt and tie that was singing about chickens before, a half-man half-woman made out of a chubby woman, people forgetting the words, Bobbi Mae Psychic taking over for her relative, lots more Navarro transvestite, a very excited gay Asian guy, some twins, a guy in sweats with a child on the audition floor with him, Princess, whatever, it's terrible and it goes on and on, a guy in a cowboy hat, a Fred Durst guy who breaks off and Simon yells, "Hurray, hurray hurray!" Unnecessary. You know you can keep from having to make those damn montages? Air this show an hour a week. That's how.
This hooker girl in a wig takes off her wig, and "Hair" starts playing, and there's another montage, right after I said that, like, in defiance. Then there's lots of stupid hair: fake Rasta, another tiny mohawk, Rainbow Bright with normal hair, a girl with lots of long braids, Hollywood from Mannequin, the Osbourne kid that got hot, crazy smiling woman, scary metal chick, 40-year-old Cousin It doing the Running Man, fucking Naima, an old lady in curlers, a suicide girl with stupid shellacked bangs, girls in shower caps annoying everyone around them, more stupid hair, another girl de-wigs in a big shiny shirt, lots of headbangers, Ryan Hart, the Navarro transvestite, Sonny Bono kid with really unfortunate bangs but a truly great smile, tiny fake lesbian girl with concept hair all dyed patches and pieces missing, scary dyed red hair, then all those same people again, with boring people mixed in, then Seacrest talking to the girl at the beginning with her wig on his head, and I want to lunge through the screen and snatch it off him, because if there's one thing I learned in college, it's this: don't borrow wigs from prostitutes, even as a joke.
All the thing with the hair and that was really leading us home to Taylor Hicks (29, Birmingham), whose hair is prematurely gray, which is the fuckin' best. He tells us sincerely of his love of entertaining, and a bit about how he was oddity as a youngster, but it's all good because he is real, his hair is real, and inspirational Bo music plays, a song called "Remember Real?" I've noticed a predilection among the unthinking to infantilize those among us who are smaller in stature, and an unfortunate occasional behavior of constantly acting like a child in response, and for the first time I wonder if people have been treating him like an old man his whole life and this has caused him to be very responsible and competent in response. Or maybe judgmental and creepy-paternal like Ryan Atwood. It's interesting. He introduces himself to the judges and has a lovely speaking voice, a southern accent, a little stammery. He sings "Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke, and his face does a thing which Joe R and I decided to call "post-stroke De Niro," but his voice is a strong beast that he has only barely tamed. It's awesome. As he jerks and wriggles and freaks out and sings, Paula falls madly in love. "Didn't expect that," she says, and asks for specifically twenty seconds of something else. He's nervous and Randy tells him to "Shake it out, dude." He sings another song that's more bluegrass, and his body jerks and wiggles and it's like the music is coming through his whole body from the ground. But it's Vegas, so the ground is soaked in bad stuff, so that's the wrong metaphor, but he turns it into beauty. Randy really likes it and notes a lot of influences including "a little Ray" -- which is why I'm calling him "The Silver Foxx" -- and calls him "a good throwback." Simon has a problem, though, which is that it is "not just about the voice," and Taylor has proven that. Paula doesn't understand that this is a problem, so she goes all Paula about "plus you have a wonderful personality," by which she means he is very good looking ["I knew I was on to her code language." -- Joe R] ["Put down those dolls and sparkle, Neely." -- Jacob], and Simon's jaw drops. "I disagree completely!" Randy thinks Taylor could be "commercial," and Simon just doesn't want to see him "in the spotlight," due to the wiggling and the weird faces. Simon promises him that it's all candy and roses from Randy and Paula now, but they won't put him through when they get to Hollywood, which is an interesting thing for him to say. Taylor asks for a chance and Paula says that they "won't know...until we see what you do," and she and Randy put him through, to varied weird hollering.
Eleven people total made it through from Vegas, who may or may not include a gross blonde stoner guy, Busty Red Shirt, Chucker In A Tutu, Skinny Weirdo, a Crumbling Girl we don't see who almost knocks Ryan over and he jumps -- oh, it's Concept Hair Girl, Cowboy Hat Penitentiary Girl, a Large Jumping Man and his large jumping Friend, Spit Curl Mecca still smirking and still dressed like an insane doll, and then we head to Austin. Kind of.