Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.30.2006
We're entirely on campus at UT, for the whole time we're actually in Austin, and that means college students. Ryan says they are here to -- and I quote -- "advance their academic capabilities." Not even trying. There are like at least fifty people dressed as zombies covered in blood crashing the party, and had I known that, I would have gone to the auditions. If I'm going to recognize anybody, it's going to be these unrelated zombie people, but I don't. Segue to Danielle Zamora (16, Austin), who sings less like a zombie and more like a kid, and I always root for the 16-year-olds because they are always awful and always in the same way: that tight-lipped, bedroom-mirror singing through the nose, and that's her, and it's bad, but it's just bad like a kid who likes to sing, not really that interesting. She's a very young 16, and is wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Chanequa Jackson (25, Balch Springs TX, never heard of it) swings her extensions around like Cher and sings horribly about "pain before pleasure," screaming and scary. Anisa Olaniyi-Oke (21, Austin) is wearing very short shorts and an ill-fitting and strangely-constructed halter top involving the least attractive qualities of a knit tee, scarves, and a baby sling. "Even the out-of-tune notes were out of tune," says Simon.
Stupid Montage #215 involves lots of people we'll never see with scary music and the title card "Curse Of The Co-Eds," and it's, you know, bad singing, bad singing, but it's just bad, not like funny bad -- and so, so boring. There's that guy with the Bravery hair that lost weight since last year dancing around, this cute kid from Houston who's still coming up, a totally awesome freaky sorority girl drawling, "What do you feed your baaaaaaaaaaabies," a Guy with Teen-Stache, a Girl in Wooden Shoes squeezing out "Nothing Compares 2 U," this Dorky Computer Guy you probably recognize (with the long hair and the skin, don't ask him about Ayn Rand, that guy) singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" weirdly, a Screaming Girl, and then the second awesome part, this crying black girl who's just been completely demoralized, leaning against a stall door in the bathroom staring dead-eyed at the camera in black-and-white DV and pleading, "Do you know why they do this?"
Maybe we can break the curse by next auditioning a funeral director. Whatever. Meet Jason Horn (28, Longview TX), hanging out with his brother and dad, and they are all very cute and fun, especially for a funeral family, who I tend to think of as a downwardly-spiralling bummer of a bunch of assholes who learn nothing from their own experiences except new ways to hurt each other and getting steadily more and more bitter and pointless until five years later you get to watch them all die. Jason is a very, very good-looking guy, in the boring Metroplex "I played 4-A football" mode, and he talks a good game about how he has just tons of "personality," which he does not, but he's quite likeable. Huge smile as he enters the audition, describes himself as an "embalmer," and then laughs as they wig out. He critiques Simon's makeup, saying he looks nice, and has good color. This is weird. He's going to sing "You Raised Me Up," my stepmother's favorite song, and even the crew laughs when he says this. "Only on American Idol," harrumphs Randy. He sings, and he has a very strong voice in the A-Fed vein, which is funny because he's like three A-Feds' worth of man. They love it and he flashes so many teeth again. Paula wants to know if he sings to the corpses, because she is a freak, and the answer is affirmative, and Paula loves it and makes that same joke again about him doing Simon's makeup from a few seconds ago, and then he comes out and there is victory music and everybody cheers when he comes out the room.