Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.30.2006
Paula gets the GERD, Simon gets bored, Ryan Hart starts stomping around while "singing," then finally stops. "Catchy," says Simon, and Ryan Hart grins adorably at him, talking nonsense about how he was trying to "stand out," trying "something new." Simon's fairly cool: "I'm bored. Go do it outside," which is exactly what the kid wanted him to say, and then Ryan wins my love forever: "Pssht. I'm bored with you! Fine! Later! Too hardcore for you, man." I'm glad I'm ten years too old to have gone to school with this kid, or we would have died in a hail of ATF gunfire way back just trying to prove how hardcore we actually were. Still, Simon is affectionately appalled: "Absolutely, you're really frightening." I think I'm at the perfect age to love both of them equally in this moment. After Ryan leaves, Randy and Simon pretend to do the Cookie Monster singing, and it's cute, and Ryan curses very, very quickly for awhile in the Cookie Monster voice, stands vibrating and staring at the camera in the silence of the truly caffeinated, and then wheels around and runs off. I don't know about you, but I'm done. This is all I ever wanted from this stupid show. I believe that children are our future, and I hope they turn out like him. Nothing compares 2 Ryan Hart. Well, that hooker last week came close.
Back to realistic competition. Meet Heather Ward (28, Salisbury MD), who's pretty and black and thus captures Simon's heart before she even opens her mouth. She's the counselor for the inmates at a jail, makes recommendations to the parole board, that whole deal, but really she wants to leave the job and sing professionally. She's wearing a long crocheted shirt with fringe and a black cowboy hat. Simon asks her if she's "very strict" and she admits that she does "have handcuffs," which causes Simon to spiral dangerously into Paula territory. Randy jumps that train: "Cowell, don't even... You've been handcuffed before." And Simon says as creepily as he can, "I'm normally the one that does the handcuffing." Instead of taking off screaming like you would, Heather sings "Redneck Woman," by that Gretchen Wilson person I believe. What a stupid, awful song. She sings it beautifully. Just marvelously. Simon's amazed, Paula wiggles around weirdly, and Randy loves how she's black but singing pop country, because it's such a novel concept. A gimmick, in other words, but one that the judges agree is great. Simon says she "stands out" and Paula wriggles: she loves the song and the performance, but thinks the melody is too "easy," and takes a pass. Simon puts her through with Randy, who calls out, "Keep it simple, girl! Keep it simple!" There's an unspoken corollary that somebody should tell her, which is: "...unless Paula's involved, then do a bunch of silly runs and shit!"