Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.30.2006
More rejects. Teen-Stache, Gay Dude, Some Chick, A Powerful Man in a Pink Polo, a Guy who tells us seriously he is Not Even A Little Bit Happy, A Crying Girl, Pink Polo hits a wall, hits everything, Why Do They Do This Girl weeps that "they said" she could sing, Some Girl with Lips cries, Pink Polo hits more stuff, the friend of Lips has a purse issue and stuff goes flying everywhere as they're striding off and it's just this perfect image of being humiliated over and over and over, and I wish this shit were over already. It was funny the first year and has declined each year since, and I understand that it's all very watercooler, but this theory only works if you fucking show us something to talk about.
Lou In Accounting: "Hey, did you see American Idol last night?"
Brenda The Receptionist: "I don't...care."
See how that works? Speaking of not caring, get ready for an entire novel about Allison Schoening (21, Chapel Hill), who could not be cuter or sweeter or less interesting. She flew here from Raleigh (this is the only time in the history of the show that Ryan doesn't leap out from somewhere screaming about Clay Aiken at this point) and her plane "blew a back door seal" and she had to go to the front of the plane and wear an O2 mask and everybody had their phones ready to call their last person. "I recommend going through that at least once in your life -- it changes things." How can such an interesting story be so boring? And no, I won't be trying that if I can help it. I like to think that introspection can happen on its own, without God bringing your plane down. She'll be singing "In Another's Eyes" by Garth Whatever and Trisha Yearwood, and she will be singing it badly. It's horrible and nervous and nasal and reedy and bad and her eyes are closed the whole time. She opens them and stops because the judges are laughing. Simon makes the cat metaphor again, and it's not funny, and he makes no cat noises. "I know, I didn't think I was going to be this nervous...I could hear that was bad." They tell her straight up it was horrible, and Paula of all people is nice to her: "Come back in half an hour, sweetheart. Because we believe in you." Something must have just kicked in, because she's normally pretty slicy on girls like this. Simon tells her to "just imagine Randy in his swimming trunks" when she comes back, and she turns it right back on him: "I was already imagining you, but that's probably why I sucked so bad." Simon laughs, Randy high-fives and hugs her, Paula signals a joyful touchdown. Everybody cheers and Simon and the girl have a very funny moment across the room.