Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.30.2006
Wednesday
Ryan's at the Capitol, which seems about a mile away because of the way the shot's set up, but actually it's like 100 yards at most. Austin is, you may have heard, the "live music capital of the world," blah blah blah, this is fake and here's why: back in October, the producers did the original cut but didn't come back for the judge round, and flew all the people to San Francisco. The reason that they did this is that -- and I remember this -- every single displaced person from Katrina came to live here in Austin, like doubling the population, and a lot of them ended up in the Convention Center where the auditions were being held, and this super-creepy thing developed where if you were feeling philanthropic, you could go down to the Convention Center and pick out your refugees and take them home with you. Cut to the football field, where a bunch of people that look a whole lot more Dallas than Austin to me are screaming "Don't Mess With Texas," and we remember Kelly Clarkson. There are: Two Frat Guys singing sweetly, That's So Raven, a Boy in a Dress with Fake Nipples, a woman Hula-Hooping, people Exclaiming About the Heat, a Scary Girl With Crimped Hair, an Old Woman Pouring Ozarka On Her Crappy Perm, an SMU Girl who Screams and Runs when Simon "arrives," Chubby Girl With Horns, Cute Guys in Western Shirts, and we're in.
Meet Julian Riano (27, Austin), whom Ryan calls "sprightly," which means he is just as gay as the day is long, under the impression that he is a great dancer (he's not), and comes in with Wranglers doing their whole thing they do, and also boots. If the Wranglers didn't simple it up for you, once he opens his mouth you can hear the East Texas in his voice, which makes him pretty interesting to listen to, because it's an equal mix of Texas Latino, East Texas drawl, and Very, Very Gay, which is a lot of accents for someone of so little consequence. He tosses his dancer body around and they discuss his boots and Paula reads that he can "do something in his boots that you can't do in yours," which is funny, kind of, but that thing is the splits with full leg extension, and she says this like she's just seen a unicorn, okay, and he says, "Shall I just go down?", which is funny, very, and then he does, grinning like a maniac, and Simon gets all Twinkie-defense gay panic about this and makes him stand up and start to sing. He'll be singing "Lemon Tree," by Trini Lopez, and I don't know who that is but I believe that she exists, whereas Randy and Paula are like, "What? Trini Lopez?" and they say this like he's gone mad. Then he sings. It's terrible, with this Oklahomo! kind of stepping and snapping, like he's singing the tall tale of a lemon tree and its pet blue ox that could build a fence around the world in five seconds or whatever. It's horrible. Simon is sad, Paula is sad, Randy is creeped out, and Julian just gets scarier, now with the hips going and his voice in a Kermit The Frog place; it's painful. Even Julian, I think, cannot believe what just happened. Simon: "There are so many reasons why you're wrong."
Julian blows us a kiss and tells us to "keep following [our] dreams, always," skips around weirdly, and then takes off down the escalator singing "On The Road Again." It's embarrassing, just like: Michelle LaPoint (27, Austin), who sings without moving her mouth, then forgets the words and stands there in silence for a second before this, like, Strindbergian moment where her number drops off her shirt and wafts down to the floor; and Arthur Mayfield (25, Orlando FL), who does a silent, strange dance while wearing a scarlet scarf and huge combed-out afro and red boots, no talking, no singing, just this very specific, choreographed, stuttery, scary, silent, stomping dance like -- you know how tai chi looked the first time you saw it? Like, you can tell there's a plan, but you can't suss it out, so they just look like they're making these very intense inner-directed goblin movements? Like that, and then Donnell Bolton (20, Fort Worth TX) sings in that stupid baby voice that makes your eyes water and it's stupid. Randy: "What is up with Austin, man? What is going on in the world?" And like, I agree, but it's a bit disingenuous to act like you're surprised that the deck is stacked with idiots when we're all aware that's the point of the show. ["And also when he says that very thing in every city they go to." -- Joe R]