Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.30.2006
Sadder than J.C. Gray, in some ways, is Anthony Andolino (28, Roselle Park NJ), who is under the impression that he can sing, and that he likes the ladies. There's nothing wrong with his face, but his dimensions and his obnoxious persona are non-standard and you know walking in that Simon's going to check out, because the dude is huge. Just huge, in every direction, and like there's a heart attack coming today, and it always freaks me out when that's the least notable thing about a person. His girlfriend is an animal lover, and a chubby chaser, who has introduced the concept of animal hoarding to his life ("We have 75 animals right now") and who has apparently never seen Oprah once in his entire gigantic life. There are cats, guinea pigs, dogs, all kinds of animals, in the big fake-out red herring home visit that makes you think he's getting through despite the fact that he is larger than a regulation doorframe and deluded to a scary degree. He's here due to his "hopes and dreams," but he'll be leaving due to his estrangement from the reality that he is boring, pissy, and cannot sing.
He sings "Lately" by Jodeci, and he does this awfully, just awfully, all these high, shaky notes and trying too hard and weird English on the notes. The judges laugh and act weird, and Paula admits that his voice is workable, but perhaps better for the theatre. Of the Absurd, I say. "I can do pop too," he whines, but Simon's like, "That...was pop." Randy's more troubled by the singing out of tune -- it's a "walk before you run" situation. They all pass, and he lumbers out. Paula goes dead-eyed as Simon says it's "just as well" because they "couldn't afford the food bill," because she hates the cheap-shot fat jokes, and so do I. It's just too easy, especially since this is one of the largest people I've ever seen. Outside, Anthony yells at Ryan about how he wasn't out of tune, and he doesn't care that it's their job to know about that kind of thing, that he "respect[s] their opinion," but he wasn't out of tune. A 28-year-old who has not learned the difference between "fact" and "opinion" is always violently scary to me -- like, gravity could just be an opinion, arguable, like facts that are demonstrably true are still up for debate, because they know nothing, so they assume that nobody knows anything, and they can just blunder through. It's scary and narcissistic in a very real sense, and is the reason I hate this dude. He snits off in a huff and Ryan deadpans to the camera how you never know how they're going to be when they come out that door. "...Sometimes they're humbled." It's hilarious.
There are lots more effing twins to introduce the next pair of auditioneers, including some creepy sisters, people I think are the Brittenum Twins but might be somebody else's stolen identity, and then the next up: the Pearson Twins, who do the usual creepy twin stuff like talk in unison and share iPod earbuds. Their dad plays "every instrument," they want to start a band, they want to be famous, they giggle incessantly, they have Care Bears on their beds at the age of 24. They love American Idol, especially Kelly, they are wearing the shortest shorts you ever saw, and somehow they manage to pull this all off. When they walk in, Randy actually exclaims, "Oh, how cute!" They are going to sing "Dreams," by the Cranberries, and Paula already looks bored. "Yeah, okay." Marnelli and Maureen Pearson (24, the Vegas) are technically good, without shocking or great voices, but they have good pitch and fun harmonies. They're like the Asian Corrs. Paula stares into space with a grimace, and Simon finally stops them, calling the whole thing "pleasant but dull." They turn them down, and Randy giggles sadly. Outside, they weep about how their dad loves them and how they'll be back.