Episode Report Card Erin: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ding-Dong, The Moronen's Dead!
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.22.2004
Oops Center. Syd walks over to some lackey and tells him she needs the Sark interrogation tape. Lackey checks on it and finds out that it's been classified. By Jack. Looks like it's time for Syd to pay a little visit to her dad. Jack's off in some random office, pretending not to be eeeeevil. Syd walks up and says, "I want that tape." Jack says, "No, you don't." Well, that's an effective answer, Jack. What is she, four? But I want it. No you don't. I do. You don't. I do! You don't! I DO INFINITY. Go to your room. NO! Go to your room or no crispy spy snacks before bed! I HATE YOU! Yeah? Well, you're gonna hate me a lot more when you discover what an evil bastard I am. Now go to your room before you get a spy spanking.
Okay, so he really just says something about how if Syd wants what's best for Vaughn, she'll leave the tape alone. Syd's all, dude. He's gonna kill Moronen. Jack's all, yeah, and then you know what? He'll get closure. Dude. Jack's got a twisted sense of morality, sure, but since when does murder = closure? Hell, if I carried out a homicide every damn time I needed closure from one of my boyfriends, the city of Chicago would be littered with bodies. Syd suddenly realizes that Jack actually wants Vaughn to kill Moronen. Jack doesn't even bother to argue this point, saying only that if Vaughn doesn't kill her, it'll eat away at him like a cancer. God, he's one twisted fuck.
"She destroyed Vaughn's life," says Jack in a voice-over as we see Vaughn pulling Moronen's car into an empty warehouse. I believe it's actually the same warehouse where Jack murdered Haladki. Which would sort of make sense if Jack's pretty much orchestrating this whole thing. "Vaughn's life," says Syd in a voice-over, "not yours. This is about what [Moronen] did to Vaughn, not what Mom did to you." Good point, Syd. But your father raised you to be a super-spy, so I don't think we're really dealing with a whole lot of good old-fashioned homegrown rational thought here. Vaughn pops the trunk and reaches in to grab his unconscious wife as Syd declares to her father that he's got Vaughn carrying his, Jack's, burden. She thinks that he's trying to live vicariously through Vaughn because he himself never got a chance to off Irina. Jack pipes up that he did have the chance, he just didn't take it. Well, whose fault is THAT, Jack? The man honestly has no bloody perspective.
Vaughn hauls Moronen's body out of the trunk as Jack blah blahs something about how if Vaughn doesn't take this chance to kill his wife, he'll some day wind up like Jack and Jack loves Syd too much to do that to her. I -- what? Huh? What kind of warped reasoning is that? Oh, who cares. Syd doesn't get the tape and Jack walks off, and we head back over to the Warehouse of Wife Beatings as Vaughn is stringing Moronen up by some chains. She starts to come to as Vaughn readies all his tools. The Eyeliner of Evil is halfway down the poor woman's cheeks at this point. It's running amok, this eyeliner. It's opened up a chain of Starbucks and is living off the profits, the eyeliner is. It's HUGE, is what I'm sayin'.