Episode Report Card Erin: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ding-Dong, The Moronen's Dead!
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.22.2004
Moronen fully wakes and now launches into her "let's see if I can get him to buy that I did what I did out of love" plan. She blah blahs something about how when the Covenant asked her to marry him, she knew they'd eventually want her to coax him back into the CIA. If he wasn't in the CIA in the first place, why'd they want her to marry him? That makes no sense. Wait. What am I saying? Never mind. Moving on. Vaughn's ignoring her. "Two years went by and I never heard from them," she whimpers. Okay. Wait. Two years went by? Syd was missing for two years. Vaughn didn't marry Moronen until nearly two years AFTER Syd was missing. By this dialogue, we'd have to assume that Moronen met Vaughn about twenty-two seconds after Syd died and married him on the charred remains of someone injected with Syd's DNA. The what? Say it with me, people: GLUG. GLUG. GLUG.
Regina: Speaking of which, where in the HELL is the vat of margaritas I ordered?
Wendy Kroy: It's right next to you. Your elbow is drowning in it.
Regina: Oh. I thought it felt a bit cold. But I thought it was just my stroke acting up again.
Wendy Kroy: No, when your stroke acts up, the left side of your face sags.
Regina: It does? Why did you never tell me that?
Wendy Kroy: Because it's funny. And I never mess with the funny.
Regina: You're really not a nice person, are you?
Wendy Kroy: You're just figuring this out?
So, yeah, Moronen's totally full of shit and says something about hoping the Covenant would never contact her again because by the time two years had passed, she had fallen in love with him. Now that's about all Vaughn can take. "SHUT UP!" he shouts, speaking for billions of Alias fans everywhere. He stalks over to her and gets right up in her face. "I am gonna erase you. I'm gonna remove any evidence that you ever existed. You used me. You used my grief. My work, who I am -- you took that from me. I'm taking it back." He walks back over to his case and pulls out a bottle, telling her (and us) that it's hydrochloric acid. "You'll be unrecognizable," he sneers. Ew. Is he going to just douse her in that stuff? Have you ever seen La Femme Nikita? The movie, dudes, not the show. That scene with The Cleaner, Jean Reno? And the guy in the tub? Who kinda wasn't dead? And the acid? Do you remember the acid? Yeah. Not so nice, the acid.
Moronen's scrambling now, swearing that she was going to tell him everything, but she never had the chance. She was going to tell him that one night in the restaurant when he told her Sydney had come back or something, and I'd go back to find the link but I've somehow managed to erase most of Moronen's scenes from my memory, so I have no idea during which episode this might have been, and Moronen keeps saying Syd's name, and just her saying the name freshens Vaughn's rage, and he storms over and shrieks at Moronen to not say Syd's name. Lord. Moronen, because she's, well, Moronen, goes ahead and says it anyway, and Vaughn pulls out his gun as if to shoot her, but he just goes and shoots the gun, like, seven hundred times at the ceiling. Oh, god. Just kill her already. Enough with the World's Longest Non-Death Scene. Vaughn grits his teeth and grabs Moronen, jerking her face right up next to his. "I hate you," he spits. "But I love Sydney more. That's the only reason you're not dying tonight." Suddenly, Vaughn's anger leaves him. Along with quite a bit of blood. As my closed captioning so eloquently put it, [STAB]. Heh. Vaughn's been stabbed. Moronen looks up and says, "Thank god." The stabber leans over Vaughn's body and grabs the keys to Moronen's bonds. Moronen spits on Vaughn's body. She's awfully cocky for someone who was just about to enjoy a nice hot acid bath. Bitch.