Episode Report Card Erin: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ding-Dong, The Moronen's Dead!
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.22.2004
Palermo. Sicily. Home of…Sicilians. And pasta. I guess. I don't know. Syd careens down the face of a mountain and then skims along behind some big-ass rocks. She hunkers down and spies a dig site down below. Tons of people and guys with guns. And a big hole in the ground. And digging equipment. Syd returns to her hiding place behind the rock, hits a button on her watch, looks up at the sky, and then just…well, does nothing, actually. That's…riveting. Know what else is riveting? Watching Vaughn sleep. Because that's what we do after we leave Syd doing nothing. We go from one person doing nothing to another person doing nothing. Oh -- oh, wait! He's waking up! Thank god! Because I already had two naps today. Three would just be excessive.
Weiss sees his buddy coming to and makes his way over to the side of the bed. "How you doin'?" he asks. Vaughn kind of looks around, realizes where he is, and suddenly goes, "Where's Sydney?" He starts panicking and pulling at his covers. Weiss tries to calm him down, but the second he tells Vaughn that Syd went after Moronen, he starts freaking out again, saying he has to go after her. Weiss is all, dude? Buddy? You have a punctured lung. You breathe wrong, that thing could collapse again. Vaughn's all, I have to warn her! Weiss is all, guard outside the door! Vaughn's all, don't care! Weiss is all, you're in lockdown! Vaughn's all, Syd's walking into a trap! Weiss is all, that's not imp-- huh? What? Vaughn gasps that Moronen didn't stab him. Katya Derevko did. Oh, really, Vaughn? And where did you get this brilliant intel? Was that before or after someone you DIDN'T SEE stabbed you IN THE BACK? ["Maybe he recognized her perfume?" -- Sars]
Oh, whatever. This season's twenty minutes from being over and I'm on my way to a summer filled with cocktails and dreams. And, apparently, Tom Cruise movies. God. Seconds later, we hear a flat line and Weiss pokes his head out and tells some medic out there that Vaughn's dying or something. The medic enters and powers up the heart paddles. Right before he can jolt Vaughn, however, Vaughn grabs the paddles and jolts both the medic and the attending CIA guard. Vaughn pulls out his oxygen and gets out of bed. "Let's go," he hisses at his friend. Then Vaughn busts out of the room with Weiss in front of him, a gun pressed up against his head. The CIA dudes that see him demand that he freeze, but Vaughn's all, no YOU freeze. There's a standoff, and the CIA dudes put their guns in a garbage can. Vaughn orders them into the elevator, and at the last minute he shoves Weiss in there too. Weiss is all, dude? I thought I was gonna help you? Vaughn's all, yeah, not so much. I will, however, borrow your walkie-talkie. Thanks! The doors close and Weiss is gone bye-bye.
Vaughn runs out into the Staircase of the Seventh Ring of Hell. Really. It's the staircase that's been used in at least two episodes per season since Season One. Is there some significance to this staircase being used over and over and over again? Or is there only one staircase they can use? Like, is it pertinent and full of portent? Or is this just simple economics? I need to know. So, whatever, the building's in lockdown. Agents are heading up to where the elevator dudes are locked in, and Vaughn slides down a fire extinguisher hose to the bottom of the staircase. His punctured lung is doing remarkably well, by the way. Thank you for asking! Vaughn peeks out behind the building and sees a bunch of agents outside. He gets on the walkie and pretends he's an agent himself and says, "Vaughn's going out the main entrance. All agents to the front NOW!" The agents outside run off and Vaughn easily escapes. And apparently climbs the ladder to the fifth dimension or something, because in about ten minutes he's going to be in Palermo. I wish I were kidding.