Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Take Seattle To The Zoo
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.16.2007
Melissa Stavros (22, Seattle), who has a really weird body which she has dressed in the most unwise possible fashion. She has a wrong head for her body, which is oddly proportioned anyway, and has dressed it in a Ross Dress For Less Sunday School dress with a pink body stocking underneath, so that she looks like a strange supervillain. The face on the wrong head is very cute, and she's a smart, funny, cool girl, well-spoken with weird friends, but she committed this outfit on herself. Nobody made her do that. She also has a little yippy dog but whatever, I like her. She tells us that she was planning on singing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," but found out Simon, wisely, hates that song, so now, she admits, she has no idea what she's going to sing. She comes in guns blazing, very friendly and fun and confident, although she's an automatic no because of stuff having to do with neither her voice nor her personality, but she seems to basically get that, which makes her a lot more fun to watch. She sings the song about the man who liked big butts and cannot lie, dancing around, and Paula cheers when she describes her "big booty" as "fluffy," because Paula is still weird and patronizing about body image stuff, and who could blame her. The voice isn't terrible, and it's clear that the most egregious stuff has to do with her nervousness, which doesn't betray itself except through the voice, and immediately acknowledges that it was bad as soon as she's done. Even Simon calls her "Sweetheart," is how likeable she is. Outside, she explains to her similarly likeable and similarly quirky looking friends -- and Ryan, who sticks out like a sore thumb (actual size) in the middle of this panoply -- that she had "seizure hands" throughout, and thus sounded like a goat, and generally babbles the acceptable amount, and there is laughter and sweetness all around.
There's a cheesy unlicensed referential "Smells Like Teen Spirit" song over the next montage, due to Seattle, which is all about hair. Why? Because Blake Lewis (25, Bothell WA), who is just about the most amazing thing I can remember seeing on this show ever, has amazing hair. It goes straight up, razor cut, brilliantly bleached, and has what they call prismatic shine in that commercial, and in which I never believed until tonight. Ultress, you have a point. You could get lost looking at that trippy beautiful hair, if the face below it weren't violently hot and even more distracting. But that's not all there is to Blake, no. He also loves Guy Sigsworth even more than I do, and is the local Beatboxing Champion, and is awesome and friendly and has the sweetest dad in the whole universe. He explains to the judges that his act around town is looping vocals, and singing over his own beats, and he demonstrates his beatboxing, tossing out like six different stylistic references from electronica over the last ten years while doing these smooth R&B grooves, and I mean. This is not why I come to this show American Idol. It's weird because A) you're supposed to do those things with a machine, not a voice, but also B) I would listen to this person on purpose. Which is so wrong and makes me feel funny about this show. One thing I would never do is listen to any of these people on purpose. Except that one song Daughtry sang that was like wrestling. I still listen to that one. Which is wrong in many other additional ways. He sings Seal's "Crazy," and it's lovely, and there are breakbeats in his actual song, and the whole vibe is very Road To Stardom, a show I truly loved. It goes on for a while, and is just a tad sincere, but if you ignore the singing, you can still watch. Simon tells Blake he's good, but very over the top, and wonders if Blake is as good as he thinks he is. Which is very sneaky, because that's actually a total compliment, because he would only say that if he respected you enough to know that you would both understand what he meant and take it in stride. So I'm glad to see Simon onboard. Blake dumbly suggests that his amazingness has only been clouded by the fact of living in Seattle and not LA, and all three judges laugh at him for suggesting that nobody in Seattle has ever been discovered. I see both sides of that, but frankly this kid should be in LA anyway. Randy says that the beatboxing was better than the singing, but that he liked the singing and thinks maybe it wasn't the best possible song. Paula gapes and yammers and Simon says she's easily pleased, but admits that he's good enough to get through to Hollywood. Outside, his father is adorable and sweet, crying and proud of his son, and it's pretty touching. Ryan loves it. It's like the only time he smiles the whole Seattle trip. Me too.