Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Take Seattle To The Zoo
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.16.2007
In the audition room, Simon's jaw drops. She explains that she's a student and writer, and that "actually" she's written a "novella" about a singing competition, and there's "actually" a character based on Simon. She doesn't actually say that in this "novella" Simon Cowell is getting buttfucked by Jensen Ackles, but you and I both know damn well that's what's going on here. She talks about how much she and her mom love the show, and offers to sing "Don't Cha," by the PCD, and Ryan hangs out with mom outside, and then Randy is like, "They just told us your mom is even more of a trainwreck, can we bring her in?" For the first of many times tonight, Ryan gets smacked/interrupted by the door suddenly opening. It's cute every single time, because Ryan Seacrest rules. While she's getting her mom, Paula says, "Oh. My. God." to the camera. Which again is appropriate, because mainly: Oh My God. Simon tells mom that they should swap hair, so "Darwin" (I mean... ) would have the black hair with the bangs, and mom would have the fried blonde hair. I think they should, rather than trading looks, do a complete overhaul, but obviously they'll be looking identical and writing slash-fic together far into Grey Gardens territory, long after this show has been over for a very long time. Mom starts talking about the "novella" they wrote together, and whatever, they talk about how much they both love Simon and how when Darwin was a kid she loved "Straight Up" and danced around to it, and then she sings that PCD song. And later on in the broadcast, she'll complain that she's never performed the song before, but if that's true: why is her mom singing along? Awesome angle on mom singing silently: "Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me... " which is about as good as this show gets, in this phase.
Darwin goes on to start into "Sweet Home Alabama," and even Neil Young is like, "You're doing this song a disservice." For Simon, he says, sitting right there, it was "appalling." Paula fully asks mom: "As a mother, can you stand listening to that?" Mom says in that same fucked up voice that she should have started with the second song, and Simon -- blown away by the mess of what has happened here, familially -- is actually pretty affectionate with them, as is Paula. Outside, they stand on either side of Ryan and babble, and he just stares into the camera and says, "Seattle. The Land of Confusion." We'll see how funny it is when they write a novella about Ryan going down on Adrian Pasdar. Paulie Walnuts? Frasier Crane. We'll see how funny it is then, Seacrest.