Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Take Seattle To The Zoo
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.16.2007
Paula rolls her eyes when his crazy ass rolls up, and they talk about how he doesn't watch the show, usually because he's "busy," and I just keep thinking Simon better be fucking slick or he could end up on the end of this giant freak's fist so fast. I bet this guy can move lightning quick when he is enraged. He tells them he can sing like Freddie Mercury. Now, even if that weren't patently untrue, it would still be untrue, because guys that are that huge, unless something really dire is going on inside their bodies or they are from the House Harkonnen, cannot sing like Freddie Mercury. An actual pitbull attached to the scrotum could not produce those sounds from this man. So again: deluded, stupid, timewasting bullshit. He sings what feels like the entirety of "Bohemian Rhapsody" to them, and Paula's over it before it starts. He pronounces words weird, like Ren Faire weird, and there's squealing and moaning and grunting and breathing. And that's true of the song, I realize that, but this is like putting a little spit-shine on that. One jutting tooth. It goes on for ten minutes, the horrible noises. I wish this was a Tom Green joke but it's not: the guy is retarded. He tells them finally that he can also sing country, and Paula snorts: "That's probably your best genre, right?" I will be honest with you that I'm not entirely sure why that joke is funny, or how it was intended to be funny, but it did crack me up pretty much completely. Simon's at a loss: "I think that was the weirdest... " He can't find the words. It was like... "A one-year-old, singing that song." They all laugh about that, and Randy calls it harsh, and Simon's honestly flummoxed, but no, that's what it was like! It was weird! And Red starts screaming about the opinion thing, and how in high school he sang well and how he needs practice or whatever. Coaching. Simon tells him that may well be true. I think he needs a social worker first. Finally, the point so lost he'll never find it again, he tries to rhetorically win the argument by demanding that Simon, since he knows so much, should be his vocal coach. I don't get how that's a win, but whatever. I don't get into arguments with retarded giants for a reason: I don't like getting beat up. His anger goes to the scary place and he somewhat chills out -- I'm sure with security just off-camera -- and this is his final statement: "Hey, the way I see it, don't be about it, or, hey, don't sing about it, be about it, all right. Don't sing it, just bring it, all right?" See above re: I have had this conversation. Simon's like, "This is ridiculous." I agree. Red runs off all weird and angry and scary -- Simon goes, "And once again it's my fault?" -- and gets the apelike attitude with Ryan, all, "What am I supposed to do now? More interviews? Where am I supposed to be, huh?" And Ryan straight up tells him to do whatever the fuck he wants, and brings that vibe right back around, felling the giant with one manicured eyebrow. It's gorgeous. Red runs off and my hero Ryan shrugs at the camera and spits, "What's left to do? Nothing. Seattle. Done."