Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Take Seattle To The Zoo
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.16.2007
Tanorexic freak singing horrible, another or the same Concealed Russian Lady from last year, this cute screaming dude singing "Die, Die My Darling," and then a freckled Howdy Doody singing through his nose.
Then comes Darwin Reedy (27, Houston). You know that I am morally opposed to the circus aspects of these early episodes; I bitch and moan. But you can count on at least one Adam Pratt or Goddamn Rhona Whatever -- and tonight, this person is Darwin Reedy. Because the girl is wildly insane. She looks like a John Waters cocktail-napkin doodle brought to horrifying life. Wiglike blonde poodle-hair, strange glasses, lipstick nowhere near the optimum location, wicked scary teeth, boobs at her waist, scary shapeless shiny gold shirt, awful identical mom with long black hair, both of them in really unattractive bangs, both of them talking like scary robots, both of them looking like Lynda Barry cartoons that even she would be like, "Too freaky." ["Someone on the boards said Darwin and her mom seemed like improv actors, and that was my first impression as well. I have to believe that was the case. The alternative is too frightening." -- Joe R] Darwin -- which is not her fault, that's her mom's fault, and honestly most or all of this is mom's fault, including whatever unfortunate genetic legacy is in play right now -- says "people call me Misha," and she means people on the internet when she says that, and they "call" her that because she told them to. I can't tell you exactly about the voice because this is words on paper, but it's like... who is it? The Pat kid from The Simpsons, with the scary robotic voice? She talks exactly like that, and so does her mom, and their boobs separately and together rank with that one Drew Barrymore moment that explained bras to everybody. She puts the big sticker with her number on it, at the welcome desk, on her shirt and for some reason it's like slathering some kind of lotion or nonstick cooking compound. Ryan asks her to explain her look, which is easy: Librarian who collects doll heads. The heads of dolls. She describes herself as "sexy," and explains to Ryan that sexy is "more of an attitude" than it is about not looking barfy and acting super weird: "It's not just your look that makes you sexy," you see, "it's confidence." And I'll say it again, but as much as I love Free To Be You And Me, sometimes more confidence is not the answer. Sometimes you need to accept that life is smacking you around for a reason. Ryan asks if she got her "confidence" (by which he means disturbing affect, pendulous breasts, inability to apply lipstick, freaky voice, and complete aversion to reality) from her mom, and mom signs off on the whole thing. "So you brought sexy once, and how she's bringing it back." They laugh and are scary some more, and thank him for making fun of them on TV.