Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Take Seattle To The Zoo
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.16.2007
Swinger music greets the sunshine on Day Two, and there is still screaming and Paula's yelling OMG at the camera about how bad the first day was, and a bunch of hotties getting all upset and camera-talking about how Simon talked shit about how untalented Seattle is ("He did produce a Teletubbies album," one of them quips). And then there's Fake Dirk and Fake Adam, who met in line and are friends and Ctrl-V last time only stupider and lamer and meaner and they are not as cool. Well, the Dirk one is cooler than Dirk, but the other one takes the amount of Adam Pratt cool that nobody will ever manage to live up to, and breaks the curve altogether by acting like an idiot. They mumble and snort and short bus around about how they're going to prove Simon so wrong, and it doesn't make any sense, and it goes on forever, and they're both fucking impaired, and it's obnoxious and stupid and obvious and... I'm not saying AI is better than this, that would be dumb, but does this sense of disappointment and nastiness ever go away? It's an unpleasant surprise every time. At least the judges have the sense to come off as appalled about it, which is good.
Kenneth Briggs (23, Bothell WA) comes in throwing signs and bonding with Randy. He has the bugged-out eyes and is also small and kind of swarthy somehow, but mostly he looks angry and like he's been crapped on a whole lot in life, which he really has been. There are medical issues at play, so we're going to bleep-bloop most of it, but basically he sounds like every male pop star from the last twenty years and dances a bomb. Neither of these things are true, and he sings "Tearing Up My Heart" and dances around like he learned it by watching people play Dance Dance Revolution. Randy can't talk for laughing, and Paula says he's adorable, and I guess he is, like a wolverine is adorable, and he starts that usual tiresome shit with Simon about how it's just his opinion, and I've decided I'm not recapping that conversation anymore, because it's boring and trashy and stupid and doesn't matter. "First of all, you are aware this is a singing competition? Why do you think you can win? You look a little odd, your dancing is terrible, the singing is horrendous, you look like one of those creatures in the jungle with the massive eyes. ... A bush baby?" All true, all what he needed to hear for even showing up here. Paula calls him a sick man for that, more of the "that's your opinion" talk, he finally fucking leaves as Paula's telling him how great he is but not here, and Randy asks what the hell Simon is thinking calling people "bush babies," laughing all the while, and Paula can't even breathe she's so tickled, and it was pretty awesome, and meanwhile outside Kenneth bitches at Ryan that he was called a monkey. Kenneth, you're 23. Come on.