Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 3 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT My Brain On Thief
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.17.2013
MOCK TRIAL
Diane: "Thief's General Counsel, can you tell us how you got to market with this death drink?"
Lawyer: "FDA trials, intensive, two years, very serious stuff."
Diane: "So it's safe?"
Lawyer: "It's more than safe."
Alicia: "So wait, was this as a food?"
Lawyer: "After some coy wordplay, I will say no. It's a dietary supplement, not a food."
Alicia: "So there were no standards for Thief to meet? The FDA only regulates foods, right?"
Lawyer: "More or less, yes."
Alicia: "In what fuckin' way less."
Lawyer: "You got me."
Alicia: "How many times did you submit to the FDA?"
Lawyer: "A normal number of times?"
Alicia: "Twice. First as a food, then with B12 added so you could call it a supplement."
Apparently Rockstar, an energy drink identical in every way to Thief except it is real, got a warning letter from the FDA for putting ginkgo in there, which is why Thief circumvented -- "gamed," in Alicia's hip parlance -- the system.
Will: "Aren't you saying, then, that Thief should be judged as a food even though it isn't?"
Alicia: "I guess, but only because they gamed the system, and anyway, don't you even start with me."
Lyman: "Will is right. This line of attack is prejudicial because it's already been ruled."
Alicia: "I'll take you on too, Your Honor. Don't fucking test me today. Sitting there with your smug goddamn equity partner face on."
Lyman: "Simmer down, Florrick."
Alicia, near-verbatim: "OR WHAT, YOU'LL SEND ME TO MOCK COURT JAIL?"
Recess, because Alicia is nearing dangerous levels of awesome.
Will: "Both of you better tone it down."
Alicia, verbatim: "OR WHAT, WE DON'T GET PARTNERSHIP?"
She bounces, but Will slows her up and informs her that he wasn't even in the meeting where the equity partners decided to fuck her and Cary over. Which is a valid protest, but also real easy to say from the cheap seats. And even sadder because none of them know how hard Diane fought in that moment, that window of opportunity. It was only a second, but she did press for them pretty forcefully, and that's a part of the story that nobody will ever know: A voicemail deleted by a leprechaun, that changed nothing in the end.
GOLD & ASSOC