In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
When last we left old Lockhart/Gardner, it was with the understanding that Alicia and Cary, along with three other fourth-years, would be promoted to equity partnership... As long as they brought in their capital contributions on time to save the firm. But now that Nathan Lane is banished (at least until he passes the bar) and a timely save from ChumHum (or at least Mrs. ChumHum?), the firm's no longer in jeopardy. And some of the old-timier partners are not so excited about sharing the floor with our youngsters.
Without mentioning this little life-changing hiccup to Alicia and Cary, Diane and Will ask them to play mock-opposition in the titular mock-trial: A 4-Loko death that brings in pro-ana websites and a whole mess of "energy drink" foofaraw ripped from the headlines in this show's typically adorable fashion. Cary and Alicia are already setting up a win -- which is a loss, since this means scaring off the client -- when they learn about their lost promotions, and immediately mobilize the other fourth-years to start enticing major clients in order to shake up the higher echelons.
This sets the senior partners into action -- most beautiful for longtime viewers, the entire firm just naturally assumes Alicia could wrangle Colin Sweeney and Lemond Bishop with a little lunch and small talk, which, let's be honest, is probably true -- and they come up with the only worse possible plan than rescinding the offer for the five associates: Rescinding it for all of them except, you guessed it, Alicia Florrick. Although David Lee gets the customary honesty points for at least being clear (for once) that this preference is only thanks to Peter.
Alicia starts off strong, with an of-the-moment nod to the idea of starting a whole new firm with the Bishop and ChumHum business -- Florrick and Agos! -- but by the time the new Alicia-only offer comes down, she's hardened into an unthinking ratfuck stew version of herself, and takes it without a second thought. (Well, for Alicia. In normal person terms she gives it about a thousand hours of serious deliberation, but in Alicia terms she just kind of says fuck it.)
And speaking of those fucks Alicia's been withholding? This is the endpoint of that, I think. Because "fuck everybody" is not a philosophy for anybody, especially her. She's ambivalent about it -- although of course she notifies Cary immediately of this development, she's still her -- but the end of the episode finds her willingly accepting another round of applause from her new peers... And Cary, possibly allied with Kalinda, looking on with far less than professional respect. I mean, he can't call her out for making the Cary Move, but becoming a Cary means also that you become subject to Cary Retaliation. Etc.
Did I mention that she kissed Will Gardner? Oh right, right. Sorry. The onfield tension being what it is, since the senior partners have no way of knowing how much the fourth-year cohort knows about their shadiness, is what pushes Alicia and Cary into such a good mock-offense triumph that it convinces the client to settle out of court, effectively losing the firm a great deal of money. Will knows it's personal, and figures out why -- but only after a heated, intimate argument about Alicia's present and future role in these things turns into a quick (and ultimately, hilariously regretful) makeout.
They discuss later how bad of an idea that is, but the fact it happened at all is fairly fascinating. To me, I think it's actually been long enough -- and more to the point, she's changed so drastically enough -- that neither of them can really say what that would look like. She's not the same Alicia (and so much props to the show for convincingly but always-presently keeping that going this year) but then, not being the same Alicia means not meeting the same Will either. As Diane smugly says early on, "We're peers now!"
In other news, Hamish Linklater is back, Wendy Scott-Carr is out (though is she ever, really?) and we meet Hamish's boss, Kyle MacLachlan. Still doing that whole same Kyle MacLachlan Thing that people either love or don't care about, depending. What is cute and fresh is his ability to meet Elsbeth Tascioni halfway both in craziness and, it seems, in the ways of romance. Even as he's pulling some of the most balls-out crazy shit this show has ever done -- and she's Elsbething him back twice as hard -- there's something kooky and real about their sweet, alien unicorn attraction.
The upshot is, to protect his relationship with Peter (and stay atop Jordan, since the whole episode is about senior/junior tension) Eli seems to agree to a wire to screw Jordan over, but he and Elsbeth end up using the sting to ruin the DOJ's entire case on a technicality. Whether this'll stick, I don't know. I just know Jordan is safe, Eli is safe, Elsbeth might have a new boyfriend, and that's all I need to know really.
March 3: Lily Rabe! Amanda Peet! Maura Tierney! All these awesome ladies, in an episode where Elsbeth sues Kyle MacLachlan in civil court to get info under oath about the Eli investigation, Peter and Jordan are presumably adorable together, and Alicia maybe just sets fire to the entire goddamn building once and for all.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Five fourth-years, including Cary and Alicia, have been offered full equity partnership in the firm, to drum up several million dollars of quick-fix money for what turned out to be an unnecessary battle for the firm. Kalinda was promised a promotion of her own, seemingly eons ago, and also lost out to these financial issues. Alicia, for whom the added expense meant a financial favor from her less-than-estranged husband Peter, was pretty grossed out by the whole thing -- but, as Cary agreed, at least something cool came out of it. On the political side, the DOJ is coming after Eli Gold for corrupt practices, in a way that made it look like Wendy Scott-Carr was still raging against Peter Florrick, but now just seems inscrutable and a little crazy.
NOW
David Lee: "[Numbers numbers], so now instead of being broke we are very rich."
Diane: "Did you say very rich?"
David Lee: "Very. Mostly thanks to the unappreciated work of Trustee Nathan Lane, who forced austerity upon us, during what has turned out our most profitable quarter ever."
Partners: Applaud excitedly.
Old: "But what about those five fake new partners, like Cary and Alicia? Surely we don't need them, now that our scare tactics and basic fraud are no longer necessary."
Diane: "Um, but we did offer them partnerships, so..."
Old: "Just tell them you were kidding. Have we made nameplates for them? New parking spaces? No. It is still only an idea."
Diane: "Are you guys seriously talking about this?"
Partners: [Excitedly vote to screw and alienate their most promising younger employees. Then, more applause.]
THIEF DRINK CASE
Will: "Our client, an energy drink maker played by President Adar, is not at fault here. Your client misused the product."
Plaintiff: "Just so we're clear, you're saying that a dead sixteen-year-old girl is to blame for her own death. You're taking that to a jury."
Client: "Maybe we could just settle this one case, though. So as not to be assholes -- and also, because a jury is going to freak out on us."
Will & Diane: "No, being assholes is better. Do you really want to pay out $14M to all eight victims of your deadly product?"
Client: "What about a mock trial with a pretend jury? I'm willing to pay for it."
FLORRICK/AGOS
Cary: "Alicia, I just got a yacht brochure in the mail! Do you know what this means?"
Alicia: "You come from rich white people?"
Cary: "No, it's because we got all that ChumHum money that saved us, and these direct-mail people know we're now partners in the firm. We are going to be hella rich."
Diane: "Cary, Alicia? Can we have a meeting? Not about that thing. I am still letting that thing fester for a little bit, until you do me this favor."
The favor is: Cary and Alicia will be the mock plaintiffs in the war game. They will fight Will and Diane in a pretend legal battle, with the client deciding on their course of action.
Alicia: "So we should try as hard as we can, even though you are our bosses?"
Diane: "Yes, but also if you beat us, you'll spook him and lose the firm the money we could have won in real court."
Alicia: "So you're saying we should win, but also lose, but appear to really try, but also protect your egos."
L/G: "That's what we're saying, yes. Don't think of it as a trap, think of it as your new partners putting you in an impossible situation."
Alicia: "As long as there's nothing else you're hiding from us, that sounds workable."
This is thrilling. It's thematically exciting, especially with that second bomb still to be dropped, but it's funny to think about something this on-the-nose happening on the show. Like if this were a medical show and somebody's ex-husband came in to get heart surgery and everybody keeps talking about how he has a broken heart.
Alicia: "Well, this is going to be fun! And challenging, considering they've been working on this case for three months and we have a day."
Cary: "The important thing is that we totally lose."
Alicia: "How do you figure?"
Kalinda: "Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this impossible situation they're putting you in. PS, I refuse to help unless you pay me an exorbitant fee."
Cary: "I've seen this show enough times to know nothing ever happens without Kalinda's direct involvement. Even if we can't afford her, we have to do it."
Alicia: "Fine. But only 80% of our budget. No higher!"
ELI & ELSBETH
Elsbeth: "Eli! Come right into this coat closet, which I'm told opens onto Narnia. No, that is a just a dude eating a sandwich in that one. Well, I know a couple guys from the DOJ are around here somewhere, so let's just whimsically try some doors."
Kyle MacLachlan: "You found us! In Narnia! I am the new prosecutor now that Wendy Scott-Carr has been tossed off the case for being guilty of the very thing we're coming after you about. You know how everybody has a thing on this show? My thing is, I keep popping my jaw. Josh Perrotti is my name, jaw-popping is my main game."
Hamish Linklater: "I am the adorable other one, we've met. My new main thing is accordions, polka, and talking about accordions and polka. David LaGuardia. My name is not a killing word."
Elsbeth: "You bros can weird it up all day, you'll still having nothing on me. Now, Eli has been told to stay quiet and not talk to you, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't goad him into overreacting. I should warn you, however, that Eli Gold's main deal is overreacting to everything."
Muad'Dib: "Opening joke is that I am not corrupt, which is why DC sent me here. Meaning of that joke is, I am a creep."
LaGuardia: "We have a wiretap from September 28th of last year where Eli is talking to one of the guys from Greg Leshoure at Wooster-Graff Industries, which is the company I mentioned that caused Eli to lawyer up in the first place."
Eli: "Uh, the usual this month. And, uh, if I'm effective, month we can discuss. Did you get my e-mail?"
Greg: "I did. I'm talking to her tomorrow. She's really your ex-wife?"
Eli: "She'll make a great senator. She just needs a bit of financial boost..."
Elsbeth: "Hmm."
Perrotti: "Now, here's the thing. If Eli wears a wire, and gets Peter to admit he got a bribe recently..."
Eli: "!"
Perrotti: "...Then we'll drop all the charges against you."
Eli: "Go fuck yourself."
Perrotti: "Okay, tough guy. Just trying to be transparent."
Elsbeth: "How 'bout you transparent me over a copy of your Wiretap Complaint Application for Interception of Telephonic Communications, as per 18 USC.2518? Yes, I have seen The Wire before."
Perrotti: "Damn. We hadn't considered that possibility. If it's even possible I now find you sexier than I did when you rode in here on that unicorn."
Elsbeth: "Pop that jaw for me, Daddio. Make it pop. Yeah."
MOCK TRIAL
T&R Legal Research is holding this little shindig, so we get a walkthrough of what that might like: There are cameras everywhere, and you are being watched from all angles, like it's a dystopia based on microexpressions and other voodoo. Please do not stare at Alicia and Cary, even though they are too pretty to be real. Actually, you can stare all you want. Just like a real jury, they are going to treat you like dummies, like pawns in their mind games. And you will be filmed. Oh, also the judge is not really a judge, it's Howard Lyman, the worst partner of all and the one who led the secret coup to screw over the fourth-years.
Florrick & Agos: "Thief Drink is a drink for a thief. It has all the caffeine of twelve cups of coffee, and all the guarana of twelve cups of whatever that is. Do you guys like energy drinks? If so, you are probably dead. And if that is the case, you have been murdered. Now, our opponents are going to tell you that you have free will and can choose what to put in your body. But we all know that's not true. Check out this ad that is clearly from the '90s."
"This is your brain on reality! [Nothing cool happening. People just calmly balancin' their checkbooks, scratchin' their foot, jottin' down a reminder for later to get some more interesting and exciting beverages for the fridge.] This is your brain on Thief! [A bitchin' guitar solo and a dubstep remix of somebody having sex during an explosion while surfing air currents in a wingsuit and Skyping with their best friend, The Ultimate Warrior.]"
Florrick & Agos: "That's probably pretty accurate, really. It probably was a lot like that, when this beautiful sixteen-year-old girl died from a massive seizure related to caffeine toxicity."
L/G: "Why do they have cute pictures of that little girl our client killed?"
Anyone: "Facebook. It's always Facebook."
Alicia: "I know the opposition. He fingerbanged me out of wedlock, in fact, in a standing position. And he is first going to blame the victim, and then he's going to blame her grandparents. How can he blame both? Ask yourself that. Ask yourself that, when he does, instead of being fooled by his bullshit, like stupid juries like you always are."
Jurors: (Already think Will is pretty sketchy, but really they have NO idea.)
Alicia: "You wouldn't let a crime victim be blamed, and Bella is kind of that. The only difference here is the assailant, the Thief if you will, is a beverage instead of a criminal. The theft was of youth, and promise, and beauty. Bella was taken, thieved, burgled, from us too soon. The people who forced her to buy and drink Thief are murderers, and they are coming after your children . They told me so."
L/G
David Lee: "Alicia, we need to talk. We have a problem."
Alicia: "Or do we have an opportunity?"
David Lee: "That was pretty sassy. Is this you feeling your equity-partner oats, or..."
Alicia: "This is my brain on Thief. What do you want?"
David Lee: "Okay, the opportunity is this. You have the opportunity not to freak out when I say just kidding, you're not actually a partner."
Alicia: "I decline that opportunity, but I thank you for offering it."
David Lee: "The partners have voted to delay your official partnership indefinitely."
Alicia: "And yet, as a partner one would think I would have voted in that vote."
David Lee: "Right under the limbo stick we slid. Just in time."
Alicia: "Officially, I would have voted no. No to you, yes to me."
David Lee: "Figured. Later!"
Cary: "...What's that smell of brimstone in the air? What just happened?"
Alicia: "We just got mugged, baby boy. That's what goddamned happened."
MOCK TRIAL
Cary: "So in science terms, what happened?"
Scientist: "She choked on her own vomit, thanks to too much energy."
Jury: "That is grim. That is some bleak shit."
Diane: "We found some more pictures of her on something called a Facebook. Does she look healthy to you? Personally I think she could use a sandwich."
Scientist: "Yeah, that girl is way too skinny."
Diane: "When she died, she weighed 85 pounds. I'm thinking anorexia."
Scientist: "I am a scientist of that, too. You are correct."
Diane: "Does that give you seizures sometimes?"
Scientist: "It gives you a wealth of problems. Sorry, Mock Plaintiffs."
FLORRICK/AGOS
Cary interviews actors to portray the grandmother of the deceased, and shows them videos of the grandmother freaking out about her dead granddaughter, and it is awful.
Lady: "I could totally freak out like that. It will be a showstopper."
Cary: "Okay, but not too crazy. This was not based on a novel by Sapphire. If you go too far, they will remember that it's only pretend, and we will all look ghoulish."
Lady: "I am an artist of the craft. You can count on me to be subtle as hell."
The lady leaves, dropping her handkerchief at the door and tracing her hand along the wall, murmuring, "I remember the walls, that day. Just like this. The sunlight warm on the windowpane. A cold and a broken hallelujah."
Alicia: "That'll go well, probably. Hey Cary, did you talk to David Lee?"
Cary: "Yeah. But I'm so used to have promotions snatched from my grasp that it barely made a dent in the place where my hope used to live."
Alicia: "Remember how the whole partner thing was a total dick move to begin with?"
Cary: "Yeah, you took it really hard after you figured that out, about a year after everybody else figured it out."
Alicia: "Have you ever seen the movie Norma Rae?"
Cary: "No, but I get the reference. I'll call all the fourth-years together for a wine-and-cheese uprising at your house. You realize that Will and Diane are going to shit a brick, right?"
Alicia: "I do. I do, Cary, and I absolutely love it. This is my brain on Enough Already."
GOLD & ASSOC
Jordan, verbatim: "Eli? There's a weird lady here to see you?"
Elsbeth: "You are freakin' adorable. Why aren't you on this show more?"
Jordan: "Right back atcha, weird lady."
So the paperwork on the wiretap checks out, as do the underlying notes given the judge that signed off. However, part of the prep seems to be forged: You need three "dirty" calls on an existing wiretap to start a new one, and the phone records only show two. Like, they actually just changed it, like with Wite-Out or something. This is the kind of egregious shit that probably happens all the time in real life, but rarely on TV. And even on TV, usually it's to Alicia Florrick, so she can be like, "Argh! I keep thinking people are generally okay!"
Eli: "Elsbeth, you... Always bring cheer to my office."
Elsbeth: "Oh! That's sweet. But not as sweet as when I show this to Muad'Dib. His jaw's gonna pop right open, I bet."
MOCK TRIAL
Actor Lady: "I'm sorry, I... I miss her so much! She's my only one! My... My heart is missing a piece of itself. I cry into the night, Where are you, my Bella? Oh Lord, why? WHY IS SHE GONE FROM MY ARMS?"
Cary: "Uh huh, two questions. Number one, you were one that found her body? And a quick follow-up, could you possibly take it down like a hundred notches?"
Actor Lady: "It was me! I held her close to me, so close, and she felt cold. Cold as the GRAVE. Cold as the NIGHT! Please, baby, please don't go. Please, Lord, don't take her!"
Cary: "Hey, um..."
Actor Lady: "OH! Sweet Heavenly Father! AAAAIEEE!"
The lady just slides down from the witness stand onto the floor and slithers around on her back until she is writhing in front of the jury box, soaked to the skin in her own amazing tears. She beats upon the floor, upon her breast; she tears at her clothing and her own wig. Pearls snap and skitter in all directions. Eyes bug out. Living theatrically in everyday life. She picks up one chair by the legs from a supine position, bashing it again and again against the bench in the ceaseless rhythms of mindless grief. Bella, looking down from Energy Heaven Lovely Bones-style, is totally annoyed. "My grandmother really is like this, you guys." All the other teen angels are like, "Ugh."
PERROTTI OFC
Elsbeth: "Do you have a second, sir? I want to ask you something."
Muad'Dib: "First of all, would you like a biscotti?"
Elsbeth: "Who doesn't love a biscotti? Thanks!"
Muad'Dib: "What brings you to the House of Atreides?"
Elsbeth: "Well, your paperwork is full of lies."
Muad'Dib: "Can I see that?"
The second he gets it in his hands, he rips it into a million pieces and looks at her like he just did something awesome. Which, in a way.
Elsbeth: "I mean, first of all, when I said I could outweird you I maybe overstated. And second of all, you realize those are only copies?"
Muad'Dib: "Could you bring me all of the other copies you have? So I can destroy them."
Elsbeth: "I am... I mean I just had a Psych eval. What the fuck is going on."
Muad'Dib: "Do you have the originals? Because I can just change those right here if you want. Then you won't have anything."
Elsbeth: "Generally I'm used to being the craziest person in the room. I am... wrongfooted. You're misusing your power."
Muad'Dib: "No such thing. Divine Right of DOJ. I said it, so now it's true or else I wouldn't have said it. Do you want to go on a date?"
Elsbeth: "No. Maybe. I mean, no! You're terrible."
Muad'Dib: "Or am I awesome?"
MOCK TRIAL
Alicia: "Wildcard, bitches! I call Thief's Marketing VP to the stand."
Diane: "This wasn't on their list, Your Honor."
Alicia: "Hostile witness. He's here anyway, right? Given that this whole thing is something he's watching from behind that two-way mirror?"
Marketing: "I'm here. Hang on. Ugh, this is gonna suck."
Alicia: "Mr. Marketing, what is this a picture of?"
Marketing: "A can of Thief Light."
Alicia: "Light as in no calories?"
Marketing: "No carbs, no sugar."
Alicia: "It's a diet drink?"
Marketing: "No. A low-cal energy supplement."
Alicia shows him a pro-ana website called Gorgeously Thin, which gets her to the point of explaining what a pro-ana website is, which is a thing you're better off not knowing. Anyway, one of Thief's "cybershills," a fake poster named GirlInJeans45, posted 135 times on this thinspo site about how much weight she was losing by drinking Thief Light.
Marketing: "At best she's a freelancer. I don't control her, just because she's doing exactly what I pay her to do."
Alicia: "Which is target anorexics?"
Marketing: "Which is target dieters."
Alicia: "Well, whatever. Whether Thief is targeting dieters or anorexics or whatever, the defense can't use Bella's own anorexia against her..."
Diane: "Counselor is testifying!"
Alicia: "Fine, we're done anyway."
MC: "Show of hands?"
BACKSTAGE
Thief CEO: "How can you be losing this case?"
L/G: "We haven't presented our defense yet. This is just the first chapter of a longer story in which we actually get to talk..."
Thief CEO: "I am not interested in how basic legal things happen, or the causal nature of time's forward progression! Why aren't you winning this case?"
Juror: "...I don't know, like $45M? Based on nothing, my gut is saying that random but oddly specific amount."
Jurors: "Our guts too."
Lyman: "In some ways I'm in the worst position, because it is in my best interest on every level to direct this pretend jury to find in favor of the defense, but make it look like I'm doing the opposite or not doing anything at all."
Thief CEO: "WHY ARE YOU STILL LOSING? FROM A SECOND AGO?"
L/G: "I don't know how we could possibly explain this more clearly, sir."
Thief CEO: "You want me to lose! You want to lose this case!"
L/G: "Damn that Alicia Florrick. Enjoy not being a partner, you punk."
HOME
The Florrick kids, adorably, can't help but be fascinated by the group of five fourth-years in their living room, getting all overheated and revolutionary.
Cary: "They offered because of money, they're taking it away because of money. Stop thinking that money is your value, and start thinking about ways to jockey for position within that system."
Alicia: "Or is it both? I am the queen of Lemond Bishop wrangling."
Others: "We kind of do all the work, from what we can tell."
Others: "Or should we just sit tight? See what happens?"
Others: "No! They are getting hefty bonuses based on this best-quarter-ever, and hoarding that windfall by going back on their word!"
Cary: "They, and this episode, are putting us into a class warfare situation. Which is always, always bullshit orchestrated by the guys on top. We have to get out of that paradigm and think about the long term."
Others: "Go on strike! Or just a slowdown!"
Alicia: "No, that doesn't hit the partners, it just hurts the clients."
Everybody: "GROW UP, ALICIA."
Alicia: "Hey hey. I'm actually right about this. This one time, I'm right about this."
Cary: "She's right. The clients are the thing. So let's steal the clients."
Others: "Like start a new firm?"
Cary: "Oh no, I mean we pretend to steal the clients. Set up meetings, get close right under their noses. They'll think we are fucking them over and get scared. Just don't talk about it, and don't say anything to the clients. Just have lunches, that personal touch that makes our firm so great. Total deniability, and increased value in the firm."
Grace: "An uprising? Are you quitting?"
Alicia: "Plotting. To get attention from our bosses."
Zach: "Sounds like you're saying self-sabotage. Like you want to get fired. Do you?"
Alicia: "Don't be silly. It's just lunch."
Cary: "Actually, I didn't want to say it in front of those other guys, but we totally should start our own firm. I bring ChumHum and you bring Lemond, we instantly become the eighth largest firm in Chicago."
Alicia: "Great. Our two biggest ass-aches. The main thing of leaving L/G would be not having to constantly question my own moral superiority because of Lemond Bishop."
Cary: "Oooh, speaking of! Thoughts on Colin Sweeney?"
Alicia: "Cary."
Cary: "Just kidding. How much did you borrow for your capital contribution, like a few hundred thousand? Put that together we have a million bucks for startup."
Alicia: "It's just that I have this weird thing about how whenever I hope for anything, or imagine what a happy life would look like, I get repeatedly punched in the nuts. I think it's how God keeps me grounded, if there were a God."
Cary: "Come on. I'm sick of waiting on other people, having them control our fates."
Alicia: "And on our own? Same problems, different day. Landlord, clients... Look at Will and Diane, look at her jewelry. They're not free."
Cary: "Uh, freer than us. It doesn't just equal out because everybody has problems. Some problems are still more equal than others. Come on. Florrick, Agos & Associates. We can change the world!"
Alicia: "I will think about it. By not thinking about it. By thinking about not thinking about it. By not thinking about thinking about not thinking about it. Ah, see? It begins."
MOCK TRIAL
Diane: "Thief's General Counsel, can you tell us how you got to market with this death drink?"
Lawyer: "FDA trials, intensive, two years, very serious stuff."
Diane: "So it's safe?"
Lawyer: "It's more than safe."
Alicia: "So wait, was this as a food?"
Lawyer: "After some coy wordplay, I will say no. It's a dietary supplement, not a food."
Alicia: "So there were no standards for Thief to meet? The FDA only regulates foods, right?"
Lawyer: "More or less, yes."
Alicia: "In what fuckin' way less."
Lawyer: "You got me."
Alicia: "How many times did you submit to the FDA?"
Lawyer: "A normal number of times?"
Alicia: "Twice. First as a food, then with B12 added so you could call it a supplement."
Apparently Rockstar, an energy drink identical in every way to Thief except it is real, got a warning letter from the FDA for putting ginkgo in there, which is why Thief circumvented -- "gamed," in Alicia's hip parlance -- the system.
Will: "Aren't you saying, then, that Thief should be judged as a food even though it isn't?"
Alicia: "I guess, but only because they gamed the system, and anyway, don't you even start with me."
Lyman: "Will is right. This line of attack is prejudicial because it's already been ruled."
Alicia: "I'll take you on too, Your Honor. Don't fucking test me today. Sitting there with your smug goddamn equity partner face on."
Lyman: "Simmer down, Florrick."
Alicia, near-verbatim: "OR WHAT, YOU'LL SEND ME TO MOCK COURT JAIL?"
Recess, because Alicia is nearing dangerous levels of awesome.
Will: "Both of you better tone it down."
Alicia, verbatim: "OR WHAT, WE DON'T GET PARTNERSHIP?"
She bounces, but Will slows her up and informs her that he wasn't even in the meeting where the equity partners decided to fuck her and Cary over. Which is a valid protest, but also real easy to say from the cheap seats. And even sadder because none of them know how hard Diane fought in that moment, that window of opportunity. It was only a second, but she did press for them pretty forcefully, and that's a part of the story that nobody will ever know: A voicemail deleted by a leprechaun, that changed nothing in the end.
GOLD & ASSOC
Eli: "Jordan! You made some plan that I told you not to make!"
Jordan: "Yeah, I'm not listening to you anymore. This is my brain on Thief."
Eli: "Everywhere you go these days, juniors are stomping all over you."
Jordan: "You're in the middle of some obnoxious criminal investigation, which gets us all dirty, and then you're super distracted on top of it. I made a command-level decision, and it won't be the last one. Rock and roll, Eli. Deal with it."
Eli: "Then I will call Peter and tattle! Nora, call Peter!"
Jordan, sweetly: "You're already irrelevant. He's going to take your calls less and less frequently, less and less urgently. You are becoming a liability. It's not in his nature to tell you that, but you can hear the bells already."
Nora: "Peter's in a meeting, Eli. Very much more important than you."
Jordan: "They're tolling for thee, my dear."
Eli, after about five seconds of soul-searching, calls Elsbeth about the DOJ wire sting on Peter. Even sick as hell with a mind made of mush I still managed to think out the two possibilities here -- prove his loyalty to Peter vs. save his own ass -- but I was still surprised by which one Eli ends up going for. How can Eli be so right in his soul as to instinctively adore Elsbeth Tascioni, and not understand that Jordan Karahalios is a dirty-faced little angel he's lucky to even know? Why don't any of these people love Jordan Karahalios? Not even Alicia? Look at him, he's marvelous. Listen to his voice. Fools, all of you!
SR PARTNERS
David Lee: "So Cary's taking ChumHum to lunch. Alicia's out with Sweeney's guy, the Others are with Bishop's guys..."
Partners: "It's a mutiny!"
Will: "It's a sham mutiny. A schmootiny. They're trying to freak us out. That's why they're pissing all over our mock trial, too, I bet."
Diane: "...Okay that one's going a little far. I mean, wouldn't you be pissed? In retrospect we kind of set up the perfect situation for them to act out."
David Lee: "We do not negotiate with terrorists."
Will: "Then split 'em up. Pick one and they'll fall apart."
David Lee: "Oh, and lemme guess which one. You two are the worst."
MOCK TRIAL
CEO Guy: "Listen, I feel bad about this dead girl. I would bring her back to life, if I could just invent a power beverage with enough energy-enhancing properties to do so."
Alicia: "Got kids, Mr. CEO?"
CEO Guy: "Three. A self-righteous hippie, a self-hating gay dude, and an artist who is just becoming a woman. They all run a funeral home together and talk to dead people in their imaginations. Just kidding, I'm not actually Nathaniel Fisher Sr. I have a thirteen-year-old daughter, is the answer to your question."
Alicia: "Drink a lot of Thief?"
CEO: "Watch yourself, lady. Don't you bring my daughter into this."
It goes in a million different directions, all of them hell: This might happen in a real trial, sure, but it's not a real trial, it's a mock trial, so instead of doing her job as plaintiff, she is actually just pissing off the client. It is wicked ugly. Nobody is happy. Alicia herself is like, "Wow, I am really taking this pretty far."
ALONE
Will: "You got a problem? How about you talk to me instead of torpedoing everything around you?"
Alicia: "Did you not ask me to do this case?"
Will: "Yeah, we asked you to take this seriously. Not dick around to prove a point."
Alicia: "Then be a better lawyer and win the case."
Will: "Oh my God, grow up. You can have two things in your head at the same time. You're being disingenuous if you're gonna pretend you can't get your head around this."
Alicia: "Then FUCKING FIRE ME."
It stops being about the partner thing suddenly; with a wrench.
Alicia: "Listen to yourself! You are not the injured party here."
Will: "And you are?"
Alicia: "I am. Yes."
Just because you're running toward something doesn't mean you're leaving nothing behind. She reached inside her chest and broke something in there -- a little silver apparatus, a tiny bronze mechanism -- so that it wouldn't hurt them anymore. And she went walking. All the way back home.
And all this time, he's thought she was this cold icon, this St. Alicia who caught him one day, out of the corner of her eye, at his lowest point, and thought: Too dirty. Never again. She swam back up, toward the light, and left him in the dark. You dress it up in "complexity," you dress it up in "bad timing," but there it is: If he's the injured party, she's a bitch.
But if we're both injured, and we're both yelling about it now, if we're both dressing it up in other words, then we're probably both still broken. It never occurred to him how brave she was. How strong she was, to break her own heart. They line up for hours, in droves -- Will and Peter, Cary and Kalinda -- just to see what it looks like, behind that smile she pastes on: This is what it looks like. A heart built for compassion, leaving none for itself. How could you not kiss her, after a glimpse of that?
"No no no no no no no," he mumbles, the lovers mutually horrified, as she beats it for the elevator. "What are you thinking? You don't do that. What's wrong with you? Oh my God, come on!" The elevator -- wasn't it going to be the elevator? -- comes, and she rushes on as the music laughs at her. "Oh," she spits, hand to her head, pissed and delirious: "Oh, you idiot." This is your brain on reality.
SIETCH TABR
Eli: "Fine, I'll wear a wire, but I won't bring you Peter."
Muad'Dib: "But see, this is about Peter."
Elsbeth: "He can get you Jordan Karahalios."
Muad'Dib: "The number two? Why do I want number two?"
Elsbeth: "First of all because he is wonderful. Second of all, he's handling campaign finances. Get him, get everything."
Eli: "But nobody can know I'm doing this with you. I'll get murdered if anybody finds out."
Elsbeth: "That's a metaphor."
Muad'Dib: "Fine. Make this work."
FLORRICK/AGOS
Kalinda: "So in return for your tantrum, I can't work for you anymore. Have to pick a side. But here is an envelope of some random stuff I'm just going to leave here, okay?"
Cary: "Oh hey Alicia, you look nuts! Did you do something crazy last night and have to rush out of the building?"
Alicia: "Yeah, basically. What's in that envelope? The usual Kalinda magic stuff?"
David Lee: "Hey, fuckups. Alicia, can I talk to you for a second?"
Alicia: "What the fuck do you want, David Lee."
David Lee: "Oh nothing, just to offer you equity partnership and ruin your entire alliance. Oh, and get ahold of your capital contribution since that's all I ever talk about, and it'll also tie you to us financially in case you do make the jump."
Alicia: "Can I think it over?"
David Lee: "You may not. Don't put on airs."
Alicia: "Then I guess yes. Cary would say yes, right? And so would you and the rest of those ratbastards. The only one who would say no, in fact, is Alicia -- and she's apparently a dumbass who's no better than the lot of you -- so, yes. What about Cary?"
David Lee: "Cary's not married to the Governor of Illinois, genius."
SIETCH TABR
Muad'Dib: "Just talk in a normal voice..."
Eli: "HEY DID YOU EVER BREAK A LAW? ARE YOU GIVEN TO BRIBERY?"
Muad'Dib: "Yeah, so this should go great."
MOCK TRIAL
Cary: "Hey, has your company ever settled for other murder-by-drinks? Like this one thing Dogfight that Kalinda showed me about?"
Diane: "Not saying it did, Your Honor, but if that did happen, that would be subject to a gag order."
(Will & Alicia: "It is so weird to be here right now, fighting about this in the daytime.")
Lyman: "Guess what, I'm siding with Diane on this one."
Cary: "As usual."
Lyman: "Go cry to your sick cabal of fourth-year mutineers, fuckwit."
Cary: "I thought we were in this together, Florrick. Why aren't you being an angry young man with me today?"
Alicia: "I am freaked out. I mean nothing. I mean, not what you think -- or will think when you find out what I agreed to -- because I can't tell you really why, which has nothing to do with that, so nothing."
You know, it's funny: I can't think of a character less likely, at this point in his evolution, to go to the "You must be hooking up with Will again to get partnership over me" place. I wouldn't be dumbfounded if that happened, but it's nice to think about how it would, in itself, be something of an unexpected twist. Do you know what I mean?
SIETCH TABR/"GOLD & ASSOC"
Muad'Dib: "Want a biscotti?"
Elsbeth: "I don't like them anymore. They taste like jerk."
Eli: "Testing, testing. Heading into work."
Muad'Dib: "Were you ever married? I want to learn all about you. Were you happily married?"
Elsbeth: "I'm always happy."
Muad'Dib: Dreamy smile.
Somehow they are now flirting and it's great; Eli continues to walk dorkily through the building, stiffly practicing nonchalance into his lapel.
Eli: "Hello, person? Can I discuss certain matters with you?"
Person: "Why yes, I am on my lunch break. Practicing the accordion polkas."
Sietch Tabr: Flips out; Elsbeth is loving it. Everybody scrambles.
Eli: "Hey, remember those dirty calls you said I made? Did you know that was a lie and your boss is a liar and should go to jail? And could you project your voice and speak very clearly into my abdomen?"
Muad'Dib, verbatim: "Elsbeth, I am very disappointed in you."
LaGuardia: "I mean yeah, technically we made up a third call and lied on all the paperwork and lied to the judge and our whole case is built on that, so what? I do vile shit all the time, Eli. Hang on, I have to answer this phone call."
Muad'Dib: "David, shut up. He is taping you. We can hear you. We are down the goddamn hallway."
Eli: "So yeah, this is Eli Gold, standing in the office of one David LaGuardia, who has just admitted that his wiretapping application was insufficient."
Elsbeth: Literally spinning around in her chair at Perrotti's office, singing little songs. Awesome.
MOCK TRIAL
Juror: "In my made-up estimation, I would say that $50M should do it."
CEO, backstage: "Fine! Settle for $12M!"
He stomps off, and again there's that weird sense of being in two places at once: The pretend jury will never know just how many lives they have changed. More, if you think about it, than a real jury would have. Just based on old men getting pissy about people not rolling over and doing what they're told.
Alicia: "Will, couple things."
Will: "Make it quick, I feel weird."
Alicia: "First of all, did I get this only promotion because..."
Will: "Don't be gross. It's because of your husband, we all know that. Wait, I mean because you're such a good lawyer."
Alicia: "Okay, and thing number two is..."
Will: "Let's just avoid being alone together."
And then this little verbatim exchange, which capped it all off nice and heartbreakingly:
Alicia: "Okay. I'm sorry, Will."
Will: "About what?"
Alicia: "Oh, I dunno. What am I not sorry about?"
Will: "It's life. We're in constant danger of running off the road."
And in constant danger of seeing yourself as purely reactive, which I guess happens to us all. It wasn't until that moment before they kissed that I'd ever once thought about the fact she'd have anything to apologize for. Like boys are just a thing that happens to us. Or how much of a relief it would be, what an unrealistic fantasy it is, for the person you hurt to acknowledge you might be hurting too, or to love you for doing it so surgically, and at such a high personal cost.
FLORRICK/AGOS
Cary: "Technically we won, but really we lost. I thought of a funny trick to scare the partners, I'm going to take the Thief people to lunch. Just like Will psychically predicted. Doesn't that sound like a gas?"
Alicia: "Cary they offered me the only real partnership and I said yes and this happened a minute ago and I was so freaked out so now I am telling you and..."
Cary: "Uh, smart move? Frankly a little surprising, even given my late role as your spiritual advisor and noticer-of-your-transformation. But good call. I guess I won't be talking to you about my sabotages from now on, though. And I guess I'll get this shoebox to myself for a little while."
Alicia: "Cary I think this could really be a good thing like I can change the firm from within or fight for your rights and I just really feel shitty and can I buy you a yacht?"
Cary: "Sure, whatever."
EQUITY PARTNERS
For the second episode in a row, we end on a major presentation of Alicia-as-partner. A little bit of a David Lee-flavor nasty joke about how often they curse her husband's name -- hilarious! -- followed by a toast. To the one, the only, the morally erect and always stylish Alicia Florrick.
Diane: "We're peers now. Welcome."
Will: "Congratulations."
First the hugs and then the handshakes, and a thousand congratulations and a thousand hugs. Over their shoulders she spots Cary, who gives her a manful nod; eyes wide, she nods back. Praying of course that this won't be exactly what she knows it will be. They fought so hard to get to each other, over so much age and gender and unfairness and manipulation; they tried so hard to be human.
Alicia can't take her eyes off him as she thanks them, one by one, down the line; willing him not to disappear. Kalinda joins him, and for a moment they watch her, through the glass, together. It's so clear, so clean, that you could almost pretend it's not there between them at all.
And then she blinks, and they're gone.
WEEK
Lily Rabe! Amanda Peet and Maura Tierney! Everybody's coming! Elsbeth takes Muad'Dib to civil court in a switcheroo to get his witness list for the Eli stuff, Jordan gets some Peter time while Eli is testifying in separate cases in every kind of court we have, and presumably everybody in the entire firm of Lockhart/Gardner finds newer more muscular reasons to hate on Alicia, because that chiefly is what haters do.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, Zero Hour, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this fall on Tor.com.