Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Farewell, My Liver
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.13.2004
Back from the break, we fade up to peer through the window of a storefront called "Bogey's Apparel" -- like, Christ in Heaven, but even when this show coughs up an embarrassingly entertaining episode, it still sucks ass. Kerr tucks a white shirt into a pair of period-appropriate pants before spinning around to adjust his tie in a mirror as he calls out, "You turned me into a felon, you know that, right?" "Breaking and entering, vandalism, theft," he enumerates, as the camera ducks inside the shop, and that's some nice work on the set decoration, guys. No, I mean it. They must have transferred the entire contents of a vintage clothing store onto the set for this scene. From behind a backlit screen, Raige scoffs, "It's a fictional store in a fictional world. I doubt we're breaking any laws." Kerr's Brylcreemed his hair, and now futzes with his suspenders as he counters, "It may be a fictional world, but those bullets seemed pretty damn real to me." He straps himself into his shoulder holster as Raige natters on about "blending in before those goons come to get us again." Because he is a raging heterosexual, he tries to catch a glimpse of her as she discards her street clothes and reaches for a dress. "Are you peeking?" she chides. "Nope!" he lies, before getting a little grin on his face and asking, "Are you?" Raige mugs briefly before vanishing behind the screen again to continue dressing as they muddle their collective way through the current situation. Raige correctly assumes that the novel "expelled" Wee Willie Wall-Eyes after he was killed, and guesses the same thing happened to the murdered Mullen brother twenty years ago. If that's the case, Kerr wonders, what happened to the other Mullen? Raige supposes he might still be in the book. Grabbing a phone directory from under the store's counter, Kerr proposes they locate the missing Mullen immediately, reasoning that as the kid wrote the book, the kid will therefore know how to escape it. Raige ehhhs that maybe? Not so much. After all, if Missing Mullen knows how to get out, why would he have remained there for two decades. Oooh! Oooh! I know! It's because he has Issues, right? Am I right? I am so right, aren't I?
Kerr starts to babble something unimportant as Raige emerges from behind the screen. The camera pans from her ankle-strapped pumps up past her bare gams to take in the supposedly glamorous gown she's selected for this evening's festivities, and I gotta say this: Meh. We know she can work the bias-cut like nobody's business, but unfortunately, they decided to go with some pale crepe sleeveless thing with a badly tailored, beaded bodice that makes her look, well, dumpy. Kerr, however, is as gobsmacked as the script requires him to be at her appearance, and stammers to a halt before offering, "Wow. You look great." Rose McGowan strikes a pose and mock-seductively croons, promo-style, "Do I look like Lana Turner?" In the sense that both you and she are wretchedly bad actresses? Then, why yes, Rose, your resemblance to Lana Turner is remarkable. Otherwise? NO, you do NOT, because Lana Turner was BLONDE and Lana Turner wore BRAS. Kerr, of course, begs to differ with me, grinning, "Right out of The Postman Always Rings Twice." He considers this for a moment, then modifies that statement with, "The good version," like any pea-brain in this show's target audience would know there was a hateful Jessica Lange remake, much less a Lana Turner original. And speaking of the original, I always thought John Garfield was kind of hot. Short, sure, but hot nonetheless in a Lower-East-Side, raging-liberal-boxer sort of way. And now I want to run down to the video store and pick up a copy of Humoresque, just to laugh at Joan Crawford. God, she was awful in that movie. What's that? You want me to keep this moving? Fine. Don't indulge me, you cheap bastards.