Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Farewell, My Liver
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.13.2004
...back in the book, where Alfalfa's Chrysler Imperial grinds to a halt as the HORNS! THE HORNS! SHUT UP WITH THE DAMN HORNS ALREADY! "What the hell was that?" Kerr sighs. "It's a flat tire!" Alfalfa exclaims, shocked. "You can't get a flat tire in your book?" Raige wonders. "No!" Alfalfa protests. "It's too cliché!" Hee! He just totally dissed Phoebe. And he hasn't even met her yet. Alfalfa moves to exit the car, but Kerr holds him back, wondering what gives. Alfalfa lies that they can walk the rest of the way, but Kerr calls him on it and gets loud. Raige, caught in the middle, tries to calm them both down, but it doesn't much matter, as a couple of squad cars filled with dirty cops arrive to surround the Imperial. The older cop from the clothing store emerges to chide, "We were wondering what's taking so long, [Alfalfa] -- we been waitin'" -- and I'm going to cheat and snag his character's name from the IMDb, because I don't think anyone ever mentions it. He's Lieutenant Snyder ["I would call that a nod to Charles Durning's character in The Sting, but I don't think the writers are that smart" -- Sars], and Raige eyes him warily as she mouths, "[Alfalfa], what's going on?" "I'm sorry to do this to you," Alfalfa shrugs as Kerr surreptitiously reaches beneath his jacket for his automatic, "but this story can never end." Raige gapes as two uniforms jump up to Kerr's side of the sedan to wave their revolvers around in his face.
Attic. "The couple knew they had been double-crossed," Phoebe reads, "and there was no way out." The Dolt looks concerned. Holly Marie Combs looks bored. The camera cuts...
...back to Kerr and Raige scowling at Alfalfa as the irising camera lens sucks us into the next commercial break.
Phoebe scribbles on a blank page in the novel, but the book's somehow blocking the ink from exiting her pen. "The pen's fine," the Dolt explains. "The book's just not letting you write them out of it." "Why not?" Phoebe shrills. "Maybe it's against the rules," Piper offers. At Phoebe's skeptical expression, Piper elaborates, "The book's writing itself; maybe they have to save themselves." "Then why was I able to write in the flat tire?" Phoebe demands. "It was just another plot twist, which we could add," Piper explains, pulling all of this out of her ass, much as the typewriting crack-monkeys in the writers' room must have done. "But we can't bail them out -- heroes have to be heroes." Phoebe's eyebrows hoist themselves incredulously towards the ceiling. "I read a lot!" Piper protests. Phoebe snarks something about reading a little less and getting out of the house a little bit more, leading Piper to caution, "Easy, Cupid," while shooting a glance at the Dolt. He smirks a bit and refocuses their attention on the book, adding, "Maybe there's something in the prose that can help." "'In the prose'?" Phoebe parrots. "Yes, let me check the prose, [Dolt]," she good-naturedly mocks as she flips back a couple of pages to find Alfalfa's earlier remark about the Falcon being the key to escaping the story. Piper eyes the Dolt and announces, "Let's go talk to the parents to see if they know anything about the book." Turning back to the Feebs, she adds, "You just be creative and keep [Raige] and [Li'l Bulging] Brody alive." "Okay, right," Phoebe snorts sarcastically. "No pressure!" She turns back to the novel to discover a new illustration, this one a badly Photoshopped black-and-white still of Kerr Smith seated in an interrogation room with Lieutenant Snyder about to thwack him with a billy club. As the camera pans in towards the page, the image flares and expands to fill the screen, and...