Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Farewell, My Liver
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.13.2004
...thwack! Li'l Bulging Brody grunts and groans as Lieutenant Snyder rumbles out a few questions regarding the Falcon's whereabouts while belaboring Kerr Smith about the face and neck with the club. The camera cuts to an arty, tilted reaction shot of Raige leaping to her feet in the outside office as the sounds of Kerr's torture reach her ears. The younger corrupt cop -- whose name is "Davis," and whom I last saw on Nip/Tuck playing a formerly suicidal and decidedly sensitive gentleman who gets whacked by his fag hag -- pushes her back into her seat and gets all up in her mug to make with the suave threats and such. "Get your paws off of me!" Raige snarls. "Tell me," the cop muses, "what's a cute little package like you doing mixed up with that no-good Fed in there?" Raige tosses her scraggly hair around as the screen wipes to knock us...
...back into the nonexistent attic, where Raige's response burns its way across the novel's latest page. It's accompanied by a neat little chittering sound effect, by the way, as if a very muted manual typewriter were responsible for the text. "'Drop dead,' Lana said, ignoring the dirty cop's advances," it reads. Phoebe gazes at this for a moment before getting an idea. "Femme fatale!" she breathes. "Flirt with him, [Raige]!" Lest you think Phoebe arrived at this all by her lonesome, I should point out that the novel, a few lines above Raige's response, reads, "This cop wasn't brave, he was stupid. The type of stupid that a man becomes when he sees a dame he can't resist." Phoebe scribbles, "Then the dirty cop said..."
"Come on, sister -- don't you know how to play the game?" "'Sister,'" Raige repeats thoughtfully as the cop continues, "You're a real heartbreaker, aren't you? A regular femme fatale." The Randy Saxophone Of Promised Precinct House Fornication wails as Raige wiggles to her feet and slinks towards Davis with, "Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just crazy -- crazy for cops! Tough cops. Cops that'll arrest your heart and make you long for a life sentence with 'em." Rose McGowan's clearly having fun with all of this, but my lord. She's not the best actress on the planet, now is she? Raige yanks Davis into the frame by his tie, whispering, "You know any cops like that?" Davis gulps.
Meanwhile, Kerr Smith's still getting the crap kicked out of him back in the interrogation room. I think the reason I've yet to become annoyed with the character is because someone's always knocking the shit out of him. Proxy beatings, if you will, on behalf of his much-abused original fan base for the asinine comments Kerr Smith continues to make in interviews regarding the role he played on Dawson's Creek. Newsflash, dipshit: If it weren't for that awful show, none of us would know who you are. Get over your stridently heterosexual ass already, you fucker. Li'l Bulging Brody, by now sprawled on the linoleum and spitting up blood, pants still-defiant responses as Snyder whips out a revolver and points it at the back of Brody's head. More HORNS! as Raige unexpectedly barges through the door with a gun of her own. Li'l Bulging Brody knocks Snyder off his feet with a sweeping kick to the older man's ankles. Snyder's revolver spins across the linoleum for a bit before Brody snatches it up and edges back to Raige's side. Raige, for some stupid reason, discards her own pistol. Rose McGowan, for some entertaining reason, decides to do this by exaggeratedly flinging it to the floor with a hammy snap of her wrist. Heh. I have no idea why I found that amusing. I need help. Raige checks to ensure Brody's okay, then explains that she managed to seduce Davis and disarm him "thanks to Phoebe." Li'l Bulging Brody's quite naturally confused, so Raige babbles out a hurried explanation regarding the blown whitewall, noting that it was her sisters' way of warning them about the trap. "Doesn't matter," she shrugs, before adding, "[Alfalfa's] not an innocent." Brody's had a change of heart, though, and disagrees. "I'll explain it on the way," he mutters, hustling Raige out the door. The screen wipes again to dump us in...
...Not!warts, where Piper and the Dolt are interviewing Alfalfa's mother. Long story short, Alfalfa's Mom reveals that Dan Mullen concocted the magical novel as some sort of confidence-building exercise for his younger brother. Piper realizes that Alfalfa, then, is the story's real "hero," and as such must finish the narrative on his own. Their task now is "to help [Raige] help him." The Dolt nods his massive head around thoughtfully as the screen flips us back into...