Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Farewell, My Liver
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.13.2004
I'm Not Candy swiftly and silently materializes with the female Avatar from a few episodes ago for a little pep talk, and it's boring and pointless, so I'm going to take this time to give her an obnoxious nickname based on one of the unfortunate roles this actress accepted in the past. While "End Table Ass" is most tempting, we'll be going with Uniqua, mainly because I hate David E. Kelley almost as much as I hate this show and believe that anyone associated with him, no matter how tangentially, should suffer accordingly. Anywho, Uniqua counsels patience in matters of Dolt heart, encouraging him instead to "embrace [his] new life" while "help[ing] the sisters into the fold." So the Avatars intend to convert the Glamorous Ladies as well? Yeah, that's gonna happen. Not. By the way, the Dolt, in addition to inheriting Cole's old plotline, seems to have acquired his old wardrobe as well. That's a pretty damn spiffy grey jacket he's sporting in this scene.
Straight Estates. A bleary-eyed Kerr invites Raige into his lair, which he evidently hasn't bothered to clean in a while. She confirms that he's become a bit obsessed with the Avatars since learning of their existence a couple of weeks ago, and too casually suggests that he join her for a bit of fresh air. Li'l Bulging Brody collapses onto the sofa, begging off in favor of more research. "I think I should, uh," he begins. "I think you should come with me," she interrupts, "and focus on something equally mysterious." "Like what?" he snorts. "A murder mystery," she leads, before admitting that she desperately needs his help in solving Wee Willie Wall-Eyes's murder. "You know I didn't come here for that," he reminds her. Raige dangles the possibility of visiting Not!warts in front of him. Kerr looks intrigued.
Manor. Up in the nonexistent attic, Piper enters to find Phoebe already abusing the Book of Shadows. "Talk to me," Piper demands. Phoebe, misinterpreting, babbles that the flowers were the Dolt's idea; she simply encouraged him to procure a lot of them. "I was talking about the gnome, not the husband," Piper corrects, and how anyone can tell the difference is beyond me. Kidding. The Dolt's at least a foot taller. In any event, gnomes, according to the Book, have no "natural enemies," but "as a species, they tend to piss people off." "But you said he was shot," Piper frets. "Who would shoot a gnome? And why is the G silent?" That's a stupid, stupid line, Piper. Which means it should have been Phoebe's. The two blither about the imperiled safety of Not!warts for a bit before shifting the topic back over to the Dolt, whom Phoebe claims is simply "trying to reconnect." Piper's aware of that, and she'd like to do the same, but... "Your guard's up?" Phoebe offers. "Yeah," Piper admits, "and..." "You want to lower it, but you just can't?" Phoebe guesses. Piper, growing irritated, shoots Phoebe A Look before continuing, "And still I..." "Feel vulnerable," Phoebe finishes for her, "and you don't want to get hurt again." Piper collects what remains of her shredded patience and, holding it carefully in both hands so she doesn't deploy said Hands to blow Phoebe the fuck up, ices, "Could I possibly have a chance to express my feelings?" Phoebe's all, "Whatever," and I'd scream at her for that, but to be honest with you? She pretty much expressed my own opinion on the matter in those three little syllables, so I don't have much room to criticize. Piper admits that the Dolt's totally changed and everything's been just great, but she can't shake the feeling that "it's all too good to be true." She smiles a bit sadly and adds, "But then, I can't just shut up and be happy, can I?" Phoebe offers her an affectionate smile, and for God's sake, can we get back to the main storyline already?
Thank you! Raige orbs into Not!warts with Li'l Bulging Brody, who's toting some sort of portable forensics kit. Ann Cusack leaps from the sofa upon which she's been imprisoned to peeve, "Well, it's about time!" Raige apologizes and makes to introduce Kerr, who interrupts her to step forward and offer his hand in greeting. Needless to say, his fingers hit the invisible force field, which instantly flares up to hurl him backwards into the hallway on his ass, where he skids across the floor to slam his head into a decorative pillar, and there's this completely gratuitous low-angle shot of Kerr Smith groaning and rubbing the back of his head with his legs splayed open directly at the camera. He's got to be stuffing socks down the front of his jeans. Preening, testosterone-addled douchebag. And yes, I'd still do him anyway. Shut up. Raige winces in sympathetic pain and apologizes profusely as Kerr drags himself to his feet, grumbling, "So, what is she? A demon, a warlock, what?" "No," Ann chimes, "I'm a librarian." My sister the librarian would like to interject that she works with plenty of demonically inclined ALA-certified book wenches, and so warns you all not to take Ann's claim at face value. I'd like to interject that this is my damn recap, and that my sister the librarian needs to do less of the yapping and more of the shutting up. "[Ann's also] a suspect," Raige adds, "unless you say otherwise." Raige kneels to remove one of the Crysticals from formation, breaking the force field. A frowny Li'l Bulging Brody tests this by gingerly poking a book through the air. Ann squints at him, all, "Dumbass. If the force field were still active, you'd be flat on your derriere again right about now." Or maybe I'm projecting a little bit. Having confirmed the force field's absence, Kerr opens his little forensics kit and pulls on a pair of latex gloves to swab Ann's hands for a paraffin test. While he is thus occupied, Ann asides to Raige, "I'm telling you, it had to be the Mullen boy." Raige is all, "Who?" "Eddie Mullen," Ann explains. " I remembered his name now. The kid who shot his brother twenty years ago?" "Oooo-kay," Raige eyebrows, "but how and why would this person come back?" Ann hasn't a clue. Meanwhile, Kerr's determined that Ann did not, in fact, discharge a weapon in the last few hours. How he's managed to do that simply by sniffing the end of a dirty Q-tip, I'll never know, but whatever. Ann, thus cleared, now has a new task: To gather as much information as she can on the Brothers Mullen while keeping it all vewy vewy qwiet, as Raige is still worried about the Elders finding out. Ann cheerily accepts her assignment and breezes past Raige and Li'l Bulging Brody. Kerr sidles over to Raige to ask, "So, where's the body?"