Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Farewell, My Liver
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.13.2004
Back in Snidely's old office, the Dolt asks Raige to babysit that evening. Raige's Moustache is all, "In your sun-damaged dreams, you wrinkly motherfucker." But the Dolt's about to ask Piper out on a date! A real one! With flowers and everything! He's even getting tips from Phoebe! Oh, that should work out well for him. Raige's Moustache tries to tell him to cram it, but the Dolt just spouts, "Thanks! You're the best!" and orbs on out of there. Okay, that was sort of amusing, but only because we've never seen the Dolt behave in so selfish a manner before. Raige prepares to ramp up her bitch when she's suddenly interrupted by a horrified shriek from the Not-So-Great Hall.
"What is it?" she asks as she crosses to join the speechlessly appalled Ann Cusack at the center of the room. Raige follows Ann's gaze to find Wee Willie Wall-Eyes dead on the floor, with what appear to be half a dozen bullet holes in his chest. Hooray! "What happened?" Raige gasps. Ann honestly hasn't a clue. The pocket-sized and long-overdue corpse finds itself momentarily obliterated by the opening credits.
Raige passes a box of Kleenex to the sniffling Ann as she joins the shattered librarian on a small sofa to process through recent events. Raige, frankly, is dumbfounded, for it's impossible to die at Not!warts. What. EVER! GOD, I hate this show. "Well, it did happen before," Ann confides, though she's thinking neither of the late, unlamented Head On A Nerd nor of the late and equally unlamented Rotten Scott Farkus. "About twenty years ago, there were two students -- brothers," she reveals through intermittent tears. "One of them killed the other. Maybe it's him?" Raige furrows her brow at this as the Fun Bags blast through the door behind them, their support system hooting, "All right, let's make this fast! I got a city of lonely people, and I'm playing Cupid!" Shut UP, Phoebe! The Feebs, by the way, has slung her Bags into a rather tasteful lilac-colored bodice piece with concealing swaths of complementary, ruched chiffon tacked on to form the yoke and the long sleeves, but alas! The low-rise pants have returned, and The Cooter Tat rears its gaping, bottomless maw, unleashed at last for the first time this season upon a wretched and undeserving world. O woe! O darkest, darkest woe!
"Miss Donovan!" Phoebe bellows above the desperate wails and gnashings of many millions across North America. "Why are you crying?" Ann Cusack blubbers incoherently while gouging out her eyes with a rusty melon baller as Raige averts her own to begin, "It's one of our teachers..." Phoebe, in full Phoebe The Amazing Dipshit mode, leaps to conclusions and commiserates, "Oh, did he break your heart? Well, you called the right person -- I can handle this." "No!" Raige splutters, but Phoebe hisses at her for silence with an upraised finger. "Cupid works alone," Phoebe solemnly intones. Raige gapes. Ann would be goggling at the moment as well, but her eyes are now mangled lumps of oozing flesh in her lap. Okay, not really, but seriously. ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMNED HOO-HOO FAIRY ALREADY. Phoebe kneels before Ann and launches into a dizzy little matchmaking spiel that would be incredibly irritating were it not for Ann Cusack's rather amusing and wordless reactions to the inappropriateness of it all. This goes on for about a minute until Raige finally blares, "He didn't break her heart, he was MURDERED!" "Oh!" Phoebe bites as Ann dissolves into a fresh round of whimpering, ad-libbing a mewling, "It was horrible!" into her hankie as Phoebe and Raige rise to bicker. Raige eventually informs Ann that no one can leave the school until Wee Willie Wall-Eyes's killer has been identified. "I didn't kill him," Ann incredulously protests, instantly dropping the weepy mourning shtick. Heh. Raige shrugs and arranges a circle of Mystical Crysticals around the school librarian with her orbing telekinesis anyway. Raige then gingerly pokes at the invisible force field, activating it briefly to confirm that Ann's trapped inside before exiting for a private chat with the Feebs. Ann Cusack gawps.