Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Boned By The Lohan
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.23.2008
Christina actually says "Och," when Betty goes down there to bitch about how Kimmie made everybody call her "Pig Latin" in school. Stuart update is that now his death disease is only kicking in whenever he doesn't want to do the dishes, but it is still very real. Christina asks Betty to have yet another flashback about high school and the awfulness of Kimmie, in case we didn't get the memo that she sucks. Betty, looking fucked up, sat with Kimmie on the first day of school, and then Kimmie asked her to get a bottle of water for her -- like you do -- and then pantsed her. Winning, I guess, the admiration of a love of her fellow students? Did the person that wrote this ever go to high school?
Anyway, they called her "Granny Pants" after that. Christina tells her that now it's her turn to fuck up Kimmie's life even more than she already has, because "that's karma, Granny Pants." Christina sucks so bad, are you kidding me with this? The only legitimately funny thing of the episode so far happens, with Betty staring out into space quietly asking Christina not to turn Granny Pants into a thing: "That was a secret..." she says, vaguely, and it's really funny and spazzy and good. I'm glad America Forever and Vanessa Williams and Judith Light and Eric Mabius's pectoral muscles are still trying, at least.
Speaking of implausible high school experiences, Justin is going to be auditioning for Billy Elliot on Broadway, and then gets menaced by this kid who's like Zach Efron, but ... human? I guess he has bangs and I'm reacting to the bangs, is all. "I am sure this happened to Patti Lupone," Justin hisses while he's picking up his books, showing that combination of utter cluelessness and tryhard obliviousness that his aunt Betty has made into a lifestyle. Also, the little nameless girl he exposits all of this to: was she in the mini-Betty episode where the nerdy girls came to Mode and then acted like assholes? She looks sort of British.
Betty is not really into talking to Kimmie or dealing with her at all, but then Christina's awful advice makes her act like a bitch. She sends Kimmie over to talk to Wili, in her little tiny stupid backpack. She says Wili's name weird, talks about how she has Wili's jacket but from Ross, and then says the word "armpit," all in one sentence. Wili is so horrified by Kimmie she doesn't know what to do, so she summons Marc, who literally hisses in her face. Then Kimmie looks like she's going to throw up and Betty gloats.