Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Boned By The Lohan
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.23.2008
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close....Meanwhile, Justin and some Zac Efron kid are like, "We can't even spell the word bottom, but let's see what happens." I know that's no way to start a recaplet, but trust me, it's like half the episode.
Justin talks Hilda into bringing Quarterback Zac Efron in, making this show no longer about Undergrad Fat Girl Fantasy Date like usual, but also Undergrad Fat Girl's Queer-Ass Brother or Cousin And It's So Hot We Don't Have To Get Weird. Mostly because he's just being adorable, while his aunty is engaging herself in nastiness so bad I'm listening to the Weepies as I write this. Remember them? I've got six scarves wrapped around my shit as I write this. Can't quit now, thanks to Betty's horrible fictional life. Why won't Lindsay Lohan kiss my giant gay face? Or at least Betty's?
Meanwhile for actual, Amanda goes on a party date with Kimmie, because she (La Sam/Lohan) is all about joining the Mode family and Amanda is all about her popple-headed bisexual vibe, obvs. (PS: not bisexual, giant lesbian, obviously since she was ten, stop being stupid, so was I, it's not weird to know that unless you make it weird you creep, you're creepy shut up.) Amanda and Marc fall all over her, because not only has she been Disneydorable her whole life but they are so her people: "Walt Disney sewed our vaginas/penises shut when we were six, what now?" Betty, of course, acts like a total sadsack and gives Kimmie a pantsing. Just because she's an asshole, no other reason. Not that she has done anything since that one food fight.
Everybody is appalled. I hate when everybody but Betty is appalled. Especially when in real life it would take one stiff uppercut from Sammie Ronson saying some Susan Powter shit and behave yourself. And she continues to feel just that way, no matter how retarded she acts. Daniel can't... tell, because Betty kind of sucks. And meanwhile, Kimmie knows George Clooney. 1) Hmm. 2) Not even fags are as pomo as Ocean's 13, eff you very completely-unrealistic-gallon-of-milk-very-much. And how was Daniel's internet date?
Um, perfect. ...It was with Wilhelmina. Which you may think is hot? But really, it's hot. I mean. You knew it was coming, her dick is bigger than yours, and here we go: he's all romantic, she's all Botox, I dare you to say who's hotter. Wili and Daniel all of a sudden respect and care deeply for each other, and they both can't wait for Kimmie to be their new Serena/Associate Coolness Editor. Pulling, of course, from my/your/our Mean Girl Betty 101: "OMG What I Stole Your Job? Love The Shoes." If I felt like she figured out one mothereffing thing, I would give her some credit, but come on.
Which magically-assfaced Betty can't help but see as the ultimate in bullshit, but of course the kind of bullshit that is inside her heaven. What will she do? Nothing, I'm guessing, until somebody tells her what to do. Bat For Lashes, at this point, has given up on homegirl. So Betty swallows whatever ounces of self-respect Gio left her, Kimmie explains basic Mean Girl shit to her, and Betty ends up exactly where... She wanted to be all along: A total victim. Oh, Betty. I still love you, but damn. Next week, again we'll fight it out. You need so very many warlike hugs.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Yeah, so the recaplet? I'm gonna plead the Lohan on that one. "Exhaustion"! The silent killer! Now let's do this in a linear, non-eyelid/toothpick-scenario fashion. It's all mortar fire and guns and stuff for a second, or maybe There Will Be Blood, but then you realize it's a photo shoot for Mode. Daniel runs around practicing stylism on them, and ends up plopping a helmet on Betty's head and putting a bayonet in her hands. It's like the cutest outfit she's ever worn. Betty takes Claire aside and worries at her about how Daniel's not processing the DJ thing and how he lost his son, who is not his son, to his brother who is now his sister. Claire points out that on the spectrum of Meade family vices, workaholism is a lot better than pushing pregnant ladies down stairs. Then Betty spots a puppy, and stops caring about Daniel, because a big part of Betty's wounded brain is just hugs and puppies and popsicles, all the time.
Wilhelmina has brought lots of puppies and little kids for "Puppy Love," which conflicts with the shoot that they're already doing, "Love Is A Battlefield." Also, PETA can kiss her ass because it's not real Dalmatian she's wearing, silly: it's rare albino leopard. Betty has been running ragged trying to do everything Daniel's way, plus Wili's way, and we watch that play out. Daniel's like, "Kill the puppies!" And Wili screams, "Daniel Meade KILLS PUPPIES!" and Daniel screams about how she doesn't support our troops. Then they yell at each other about how they are both the Editor-in-Chief and it's like all of a sudden they're having anger and passion fights or something dumb. Claire is kind of horrified by the way the two shoots have blended together: little kids in gas masks, soldiers kissing puppies, bored models standing around. It's actually totally awesome, but this show doesn't understand awesome anymore.
Kimmie is at Betty's desk when she gets back, and drops the fact I somehow missed which is that the burger place she was working at with Ignacio in Queens was called Flushing Burger. That's amazing. She explains to Betty in a somewhat humorous monologue that Betty's philosophy of believing in yourself and showing initiative and adaptability doesn't work if you are, like Kimmie, a total loser. She describes post-high school life as a slide into suck, and wonders if people will ever applaud again when she walks in the room. She doesn't really hit any jokes we didn't hit from last time -- the boyfriend she hates is dating her ex-stepsister, her hilarious Lyme disease might be flaring up -- but it's pretty funny that she is coming to Betty with this information, because not even Betty knows how bad her trip around the US has turned her into a dipshit. Daniel walks in at the wrong time and Kimmie fast-talks her way into a job at Mode.