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...Meanwhile, Justin and some Zac Efron kid are like, "We can't even spell the word bottom, but let's see what happens." I know that's no way to start a recaplet, but trust me, it's like half the episode.
Justin talks Hilda into bringing Quarterback Zac Efron in, making this show no longer about Undergrad Fat Girl Fantasy Date like usual, but also Undergrad Fat Girl's Queer-Ass Brother or Cousin And It's So Hot We Don't Have To Get Weird. Mostly because he's just being adorable, while his aunty is engaging herself in nastiness so bad I'm listening to the Weepies as I write this. Remember them? I've got six scarves wrapped around my shit as I write this. Can't quit now, thanks to Betty's horrible fictional life. Why won't Lindsay Lohan kiss my giant gay face? Or at least Betty's?
Meanwhile for actual, Amanda goes on a party date with Kimmie, because she (La Sam/Lohan) is all about joining the Mode family and Amanda is all about her popple-headed bisexual vibe, obvs. (PS: not bisexual, giant lesbian, obviously since she was ten, stop being stupid, so was I, it's not weird to know that unless you make it weird you creep, you're creepy shut up.) Amanda and Marc fall all over her, because not only has she been Disneydorable her whole life but they are so her people: "Walt Disney sewed our vaginas/penises shut when we were six, what now?" Betty, of course, acts like a total sadsack and gives Kimmie a pantsing. Just because she's an asshole, no other reason. Not that she has done anything since that one food fight.
Everybody is appalled. I hate when everybody but Betty is appalled. Especially when in real life it would take one stiff uppercut from Sammie Ronson saying some Susan Powter shit and behave yourself. And she continues to feel just that way, no matter how retarded she acts. Daniel can't... tell, because Betty kind of sucks. And meanwhile, Kimmie knows George Clooney. 1) Hmm. 2) Not even fags are as pomo as Ocean's 13, eff you very completely-unrealistic-gallon-of-milk-very-much. And how was Daniel's internet date?
Um, perfect. ...It was with Wilhelmina. Which you may think is hot? But really, it's hot. I mean. You knew it was coming, her dick is bigger than yours, and here we go: he's all romantic, she's all Botox, I dare you to say who's hotter. Wili and Daniel all of a sudden respect and care deeply for each other, and they both can't wait for Kimmie to be their new Serena/Associate Coolness Editor. Pulling, of course, from my/your/our Mean Girl Betty 101: "OMG What I Stole Your Job? Love The Shoes." If I felt like she figured out one mothereffing thing, I would give her some credit, but come on.
Which magically-assfaced Betty can't help but see as the ultimate in bullshit, but of course the kind of bullshit that is inside her heaven. What will she do? Nothing, I'm guessing, until somebody tells her what to do. Bat For Lashes, at this point, has given up on homegirl. So Betty swallows whatever ounces of self-respect Gio left her, Kimmie explains basic Mean Girl shit to her, and Betty ends up exactly where... She wanted to be all along: A total victim. Oh, Betty. I still love you, but damn. week, again we'll fight it out. You need so very many warlike hugs.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Yeah, so the recaplet? I'm gonna plead the Lohan on that one. "Exhaustion"! The silent killer! Now let's do this in a linear, non-eyelid/toothpick-scenario fashion. It's all mortar fire and guns and stuff for a second, or maybe There Will Be Blood, but then you realize it's a photo shoot for Mode. Daniel runs around practicing stylism on them, and ends up plopping a helmet on Betty's head and putting a bayonet in her hands. It's like the cutest outfit she's ever worn. Betty takes Claire aside and worries at her about how Daniel's not processing the DJ thing and how he lost his son, who is not his son, to his brother who is now his sister. Claire points out that on the spectrum of Meade family vices, workaholism is a lot better than pushing pregnant ladies down stairs. Then Betty spots a puppy, and stops caring about Daniel, because a big part of Betty's wounded brain is just hugs and puppies and popsicles, all the time.
Wilhelmina has brought lots of puppies and little kids for "Puppy Love," which conflicts with the shoot that they're already doing, "Love Is A Battlefield." Also, PETA can kiss her ass because it's not real Dalmatian she's wearing, silly: it's rare albino leopard. Betty has been running ragged trying to do everything Daniel's way, plus Wili's way, and we watch that play out. Daniel's like, "Kill the puppies!" And Wili screams, "Daniel Meade KILLS PUPPIES!" and Daniel screams about how she doesn't support our troops. Then they yell at each other about how they are both the Editor-in-Chief and it's like all of a sudden they're having anger and passion fights or something dumb. Claire is kind of horrified by the way the two shoots have blended together: little kids in gas masks, soldiers kissing puppies, bored models standing around. It's actually totally awesome, but this show doesn't understand awesome anymore.
Kimmie is at Betty's desk when she gets back, and drops the fact I somehow missed which is that the burger place she was working at with Ignacio in Queens was called Flushing Burger. That's amazing. She explains to Betty in a somewhat humorous monologue that Betty's philosophy of believing in yourself and showing initiative and adaptability doesn't work if you are, like Kimmie, a total loser. She describes post-high school life as a slide into suck, and wonders if people will ever applaud again when she walks in the room. She doesn't really hit any jokes we didn't hit from last time -- the boyfriend she hates is dating her ex-stepsister, her hilarious Lyme disease might be flaring up -- but it's pretty funny that she is coming to Betty with this information, because not even Betty knows how bad her trip around the US has turned her into a dipshit. Daniel walks in at the wrong time and Kimmie fast-talks her way into a job at Mode.
Christina actually says "Och," when Betty goes down there to bitch about how Kimmie made everybody call her "Pig Latin" in school. Stuart update is that now his death disease is only kicking in whenever he doesn't want to do the dishes, but it is still very real. Christina asks Betty to have yet another flashback about high school and the awfulness of Kimmie, in case we didn't get the memo that she sucks. Betty, looking fucked up, sat with Kimmie on the first day of school, and then Kimmie asked her to get a bottle of water for her -- like you do -- and then pantsed her. Winning, I guess, the admiration of a love of her fellow students? Did the person that wrote this ever go to high school?
Anyway, they called her "Granny Pants" after that. Christina tells her that now it's her turn to fuck up Kimmie's life even more than she already has, because "that's karma, Granny Pants." Christina sucks so bad, are you kidding me with this? The only legitimately funny thing of the episode so far happens, with Betty staring out into space quietly asking Christina not to turn Granny Pants into a thing: "That was a secret..." she says, vaguely, and it's really funny and spazzy and good. I'm glad America Forever and Vanessa Williams and Judith Light and Eric Mabius's pectoral muscles are still trying, at least.
Speaking of implausible high school experiences, Justin is going to be auditioning for Billy Elliot on Broadway, and then gets menaced by this kid who's like Zach Efron, but ... human? I guess he has bangs and I'm reacting to the bangs, is all. "I am sure this happened to Patti Lupone," Justin hisses while he's picking up his books, showing that combination of utter cluelessness and tryhard obliviousness that his aunt Betty has made into a lifestyle. Also, the little nameless girl he exposits all of this to: was she in the mini-Betty episode where the nerdy girls came to Mode and then acted like assholes? She looks sort of British.
Betty is not really into talking to Kimmie or dealing with her at all, but then Christina's awful advice makes her act like a bitch. She sends Kimmie over to talk to Wili, in her little tiny stupid backpack. She says Wili's name weird, talks about how she has Wili's jacket but from Ross, and then says the word "armpit," all in one sentence. Wili is so horrified by Kimmie she doesn't know what to do, so she summons Marc, who literally hisses in her face. Then Kimmie looks like she's going to throw up and Betty gloats.
Back home, Betty justifies her bitchy behavior and Hilda screeches about God knows what. Finally Betty asks why she is crazy now, and Hilda says she has chosen Anger over Depression. Ignacio says it's been a treat, and then asks Betty what if she chose Not An Asshole over Asshole. Betty justifies a whole bunch more and Ignacio basically bullies her into being a good person.
Marc and Amanda discuss ways to torture Betty, but fall in love with Kimmie's horrible style instead: "Cute tiny backpack. Do you put all your tiny scrunchies in it?" That's the most hilarious thing. She does, she keeps her tiny scrunchies in her tiny backpack. She is also wearing like a denim shrug thing with little rufflies on it. She looks like that little girl in grade school that you knew would be pregnant by junior high and then she was, like, that exact shade of denim. Kimmie thanks them for their interest and starts to talk about how she hasn't bought clothes since high school because living in Queens is like Mad Max and it isn't like living at all, etc., and Amanda gives her the flapping lips/zip it gesture: "N. I." Betty feels a tinge of remorse but I, like Amanda, am N. longer F. I. in what Betty's emotions are doing.
Kimmie pratfalls all over an editorial meeting and Betty tells her to get the eff out of there. "Throw a poncho and sideburns on that girl and she could be you!" notes Marc. Marc and Amanda, you should share your writers with the rest of the show. It would thank you. Wili wants the trainwreck fired, she says, just as Kimmie's walking randomly into a glass door and the whole world laughs just like with the Granny Pants, and Betty's essential nicenessnesses jump out at you like, "Boo! It is so hard to be fat and spazzy here at Mode! I will take her under my wing with a side of ranch!" Everybody looks at Betty and pretends to care but they don't even try that hard.
Betty walks Kimmie through the place screaming at the top of her lungs about this random acronym she has created: ARG. NI! A is for "anticipate," which is to know what people need before they do. When Kimmie asks what the eff she's talking about, Betty hilariously tosses her a handout and goes, "...I anticipated you would ask that." Wow, you're good, Kimmie says. This part's kind of good, like, in the on-crack way that this show is good. Betty keeps screaming. R is for "research," which is to know everything that there is to know, like, don't ask Wili for receipts even if Betty tells you to.
Also, w/r/t Wili, "avoidance is key," because if you screw up with her you could be fired, or possibly die. Why is Betty screaming so loud? She negotiates Marc into giving her the receipts instead, in return for tickets to a Colin Farrell premiere. Man, if he was on this show at the same time as Lindsay what would happen to the world? Kimmie's amazed. That's G is for "gumption," which Betty still thinks she kind of has. Then she tries to teach Kimmie to say Wili's name like a thousand times, and it's pretty funny, especially when Betty just finally breaks down (after "Hellmamina") and shouts, "What is wrong with you?" Then she gives her a lame pep talk that ends in "2, 4, 6, 8, Kimmie Keegan used to be great!"
Claire has a conversation with Daniel in which she says DJs name about eleven times in every sentence, but also includes a video game called Street Wars V: Revenge Of The Pimps. Daniel catches on to her subtle DJ-dropping game and says he doesn't want to talk about it. OMG Daniel like you actually care. "Wah wah, I had a child for three minutes and then it went away, and now all I have is these whores and a pile of blow but they are so meaningless without an annoying French child with whom to share them." He cries her a river of tears and she's like, "I love that you want a family, no matter how terrible that is!" And then he's like, "My clock is ticking!" This is preposterous. Claire points out that Bradford managed to knock some people up from the grave, so surely Daniel's family is workable.
Ignacio and Hilda watch the sudden gay nuclear explosion of Justin and are amazed, and Ignacio tells her to stop riding him all crazy and obsessed show mom like she is. Hilda's like, "He is being bullied! By this one hot kid who is clearly gay for him! It is a nightmare and only Broadway can save him!" But man, if all the shit Ignacio decided to warn, chasten, moan or otherwise berate you about turned out to be real, we would be living in a nightmare werewolf world.
Kimmie got Daniel an appointment for some kind of manicure, and this showed that she did all the steps of ARG, and then Kimmie wants to go out and party with Betty. "I tried to get in before, but it's like they could smell the Bridge & Tunnel on me, but now we're VIP!" Betty doesn't seem to realize that toxic is forever, though, because she's like, "Sweet! Kimmie wants to go clubbing with me!" I think that Betty got Lyme disease from her adventures in nature. Or oh, what if like halfway through this season Peg comes running to tell everybody that Betty hit her head on the Grand Canyon and is blocking out a horrible crime she did, or some lesbian bicycle sex, and that's why she's so stupid now.
Daniel asks Betty to proof his dating service application -- "Since the last woman I picked ended up burning my house down, I thought I'd trust the professionals" -- and she questions everything on it, then rewrites the whole thing. Net result of this scene is that Daniel is adorable doing that tree thing with the yoga, and Betty pisses herself about partying with Kimmie because it was such a big deal one hundred billion years ago. This whole "grown nerd gets stuck back in high school" thing, I never got that. It's like, didn't you do enough drugs after high school to effectively burn out those parts of your brain? And if not, why not, ya nerd?
Kimmie brings Amanda a giant cookie, and she's all, "You're pretty. I just assumed you weren't because you're a friend of Betty's." Kimmie goes on and on about how great she is at making copies, and Amanda tells her what's important is skating by on your looks, then brutally cuts off her tiny backpack.
Billy Elliot auditions, where Hilda is still all the fuck over his life. Bully stud is there and he's all like, "My mom said I have to do this if I want to play football." First of all: no. No she didn't, no that did not happen, in any way. I love how Broadway auditions are just like this total drag for everybody. And secondly, now both Justin and Bully Stud are professional-level dancers, but nobody knows that? This is effed. The human horrors that are casting agents for Broadway shows, when looking for talent, you know their first stop? Flushing. And lastly, like not one of the scary Broadway moms is there with a blowgun waiting to take out these two unknowns for even daring to show up? Not to mention that Justin refers to Bully Stud as "no competish" and Ignacio grins and hugs him instead of shaking him until his teeth rattle.
The date matchup is: Smart, a former model, loves her job... It's Wilhelmina, obviously. Extra points for the total creepiness of her dream date: a picnic in the park. With children. Daniel heads out and Betty tells him to do another button, so he starts undoing more buttons, and she's like, "The other way!" At some point Daniel became my favorite character. I just realized that. Weird. Kimmie comes around the corner looking glamorous and hot with like fake wind in her hair and a good song playing. She explains to Betty that Amanda took her to the closet and hair and makeup, and that she invited Amanda and Marc on their date. Cut to the three of them having lots and lots of fun while Betty gets harassed up front with the yucky cab driver, who explains to her that she is not part of their crew. They pull up to the club and Amanda randomly goes, "Oh my God we're totally here" in that psycho deadpan.
Some unsubtle annoying woman who seems to think this is her big break from the Improv stage to character actress comes running full-tilt at Daniel on the boat of his date, shooting tics and vocal mannerisms in all directions like a Stanislavsky laser show. Anyway, upshot is a date with a yellow coat and great legs, and he's all sexy at her, and she turns around with her Botoxed face and they both scream like girls, but silently and inside.
That "we still call them phones even though they do tricks" commercial with the guy sitting at the bar? Hate it. He's like the anti-Dyson, all lack of charisma and nothing interesting or spooky-sexy to say about his product. He just wants to Seinfeld it up about phones and how we should call them "devices." Device this! NI!
Daniel's like, "You mean picnic of children?" and Wili's all, "Six four with what, platforms and a fright wig?" Because you see, people aren't always entirely honest in their online profiles and often blur the lines between aspiration and reality in order to make themselves seem more desirable, short-circuiting their longer-term goal of actually fucking once it stops being the internet and starts being real life. That's why this is funny, I get it. Then they're all, "No I must be the one who walks out on this date before you do" but the boat takes off.
Door guy tells Kimmie, improbably, that her +3 is actually a +2, so "pick your friends." Obviously Betty is going to be left out on the street like garbage, but that doesn't stop her from acting desperate and sad anyway. Marc's hair looks totally puffy but it's cute.
Auditions, where Justin prisses all over Bully Hottie, and then they have a dance-off that threatens to become pants-off, and I mean, if you like tweeners dancing intensely at each other then you might like this. And I will see you at HSM3 on opening night.
The awful Improv lady bugs them a bit, and then Wili and Daniel talk about how she's horny and not even Marc can scratch that itch, despite giving it "the college try." That's so so sweet and so so creepy. She brings them oysters -- "an aphrodisiac, not that you'll need it," she tells the horny Wili -- and they ask for as much wine as humans can drink. This is excellent.
Perry Smith cries after the audition, because neither he nor Justin got it. Justin tries to make out with the Quarterback Queen, but he chooses Anger. For now.
Daniel tries to set off the fire alarms on the boat and Wili, awesomely, is like, "Explosives work better! We didn't plan ahead..." She joins him with hairspray, and the alarms go off. Awesome. "Okay okay okay," says Improv, and it's really funny actually, "Don't panic, this happens like every other cruise!" So many horrible dates! So many arsonists! That is my story in a nutshell! Daniel and Wili head back to shore, clinking glasses and proud of themselves.
Just as pathetic Betty is finally hailing a cab (forty-five minutes after getting screwed, which is like five days in Loser Time), Kimmie runs out to chat with her. Betty points out that she is a dick, and not to pretend to be her friend. Kimmie's like -- get this -- "That's why I brought Amanda and Marc! So we can ditch them!" I don't even understand that one, but Betty buys it instantly. Anyway, she weaves a web of lies, or else believes the lies and is thus crazy insane, and they head off together arm-in-arm.
It's not the things that happen, it's the way they're happening. I mean, this is a fine plot and storyline, but it's like the actual scenes were written by an alien who has heard of "people" but doesn't understand that people do things for reasons, so it's just these characters we used to know, doing stupid shit for no reasons at all. I'm trying not to choose Anger here, but I just ... if you don't even like Betty, why would you watch a show called Ugly Betty? Betty Suarez was seriously my hero for a long time but last year broke it and somehow even choosing Betty did not fix her this year.
Of course, having escaped their date, Daniel and Wili go for a moonlit stroll through the city, turning their real date into a better kind of date. She informs him that his stupid clock is not actually ticking because two months with a twelve year old is not the same as having a baby. Word up. They talk about her fears and this new baby, and her need for a partner to create a family with. Daniel turns to work talk, and she points out that they worked well as a team setting the boat on fake fire, and they should trust each other more. He points out that this is suicidal, and she knows that's valid. Then she walks into a strange apartment to fuck somebody she texted during the date. Daniel, of course, thinks this is the most adorable part. I agree.
Betty's totally hung over and sleeping in, and Daniel's freaked looking around for her, but Kimmie is there sabotaging her in a hundred ways. Basically, she talked Betty into sleeping in, got her drunk on Long Island Iced Teas, then got high-fived by Daniel for getting Mode into Page Six. Christina stokes the fires of anger, and then Betty finds them making fun of her high school yearbook.
Amanda points out that she's wearing the same outfit as in her Chess Club picture, and she protests that it was a rough morning. "Then? Or now?" asks Marc, sagely, and Kimmie talks about herself some more, then sends Betty to get her some water again just like before -- and there's a flashback for if you are dumb like Betty -- and Betty jumps Kimmie and pantses her, because she's an asshole. Marc's appalled face is particularly damning.
Everybody's grossed out and Kimmie starts crying, all, "I thought we were friends," and Marc yells "Granny Pants!" at Betty, because her morals are suspect in his eyes. Then, randomly, she receives the text from Kimmie that she and Christina decided never existed, proving that Kimmie is ... I don't even know. I think Betty and Christina should spend less time together because they are both kind of tragic and when you put them together it's exponential. Like when the irresistible plot device meets the immovable dolt, what happens is that Betty does something shitty that makes no sense. She's just, like... Teri Hatcher now.
In the halls of the school, Dance Trade comes running up all flirting with a completely different personality and whatever, it's weird. I don't know what to do with a conversation that includes "jazz squares," whatever those are. Fumbling Politeness goes in for the dap, and Justin slaps it with his little hand, and Bully Stud realizes that he has just allied himself with the equivalent of a foreign exchange student. You know what, as great as it would be to just go there with Justin, because I love how everybody just knows and they don't have to talk about it, because it's more realistic in my experience than any huge drama-filled bitter Coming Out revolution, but I would like to see Hilda just be like, "This is not the boy for you" or something. However, having said that: what if Justin just had like an incredibly close non-gay friend and, I don't know, learned how to operate in the real world instead of this comfy gay cloudland where you have no social responsibility to meet people halfway? So like the kid could be the ambassador of normal and people wouldn't always be having to step in and make exceptions for Justin's bizarre behavior. Plus it's always so sad in Queens that like, if he fell in love with the kid and the kid turned out to be NI, then Justin would just cry and cry, and that would be funny but also serious and good, because I do love Justin and I love him most when he's more than yet more brightly colored gay set dressing, which is what he is most of the time.
Betty talks Daniel into making Kimmie the Mode buzzmaker, as her job, and asks about his date. Daniel had a good time, of course, but they aren't going to date of course. I wish they would. They have a big Editorial meeting, and Wili chooses Daniel's "Love Is A Battlefield" idea in front of everybody, apologizing for her puppy stuff. It's so weird that it makes Betty's stomach hurt, but I know she's got an evil plan. Then Daniel promotes Kimmie to Associate Editor, believably enough, and the whole room applauds her just like she wanted, and in case you're dumb like Betty, here's yet another flashback. Everybody climbs all over her and acts ridiculous, and Betty gets all jealous and stuffs her feelings deep inside, then congratulates Kimmie, who barks out a coffee order and then gets hardcore on Betty:
"I should thank you. But I won't. Because I'm popular, and popular people aren't nice to unpopular people. That's just the natural order of things. ...Still waiting on that coffee, Granny Pants."
The music and moralizing of this show would seem to suggest that Kimmie is the bad guy here. I'm not buying that. This is, again, a case of Betty tripping on her own bullshit. Kimmie's working for Kimmie, which is fine. Betty's working for ... I don't even know what. That same smug superiority that has come to define her and act as her downfall every episode this season. And this is the perfect example, because like: No, popular people aren't nice to unpopular people. That's the definition of the word. And, as usual, your response to that is completely your business. If you don't like being unpopular, fix it. If you get more out of feeling sorry for yourself and being the martyr victim of unpopularity, then that's what you're going to do. The bizarre arrogance and unentitled beliefs of superiority of dorks is one of the defining limits of our culture right now. But like, our behavior only ever descends from our priorities, and Betty's priority, apparently, is to railroad herself at a rate twice that of everybody else railroading her. Does Ugly Betty hate Ugly Betty too?
Take a look back at Betty's soapiest moments.