Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Boned By The Lohan
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.23.2008
Some unsubtle annoying woman who seems to think this is her big break from the Improv stage to character actress comes running full-tilt at Daniel on the boat of his date, shooting tics and vocal mannerisms in all directions like a Stanislavsky laser show. Anyway, upshot is a date with a yellow coat and great legs, and he's all sexy at her, and she turns around with her Botoxed face and they both scream like girls, but silently and inside.
That "we still call them phones even though they do tricks" commercial with the guy sitting at the bar? Hate it. He's like the anti-Dyson, all lack of charisma and nothing interesting or spooky-sexy to say about his product. He just wants to Seinfeld it up about phones and how we should call them "devices." Device this! NI!
Daniel's like, "You mean picnic of children?" and Wili's all, "Six four with what, platforms and a fright wig?" Because you see, people aren't always entirely honest in their online profiles and often blur the lines between aspiration and reality in order to make themselves seem more desirable, short-circuiting their longer-term goal of actually fucking once it stops being the internet and starts being real life. That's why this is funny, I get it. Then they're all, "No I must be the one who walks out on this date before you do" but the boat takes off.
Door guy tells Kimmie, improbably, that her +3 is actually a +2, so "pick your friends." Obviously Betty is going to be left out on the street like garbage, but that doesn't stop her from acting desperate and sad anyway. Marc's hair looks totally puffy but it's cute.
Auditions, where Justin prisses all over Bully Hottie, and then they have a dance-off that threatens to become pants-off, and I mean, if you like tweeners dancing intensely at each other then you might like this. And I will see you at HSM3 on opening night.
The awful Improv lady bugs them a bit, and then Wili and Daniel talk about how she's horny and not even Marc can scratch that itch, despite giving it "the college try." That's so so sweet and so so creepy. She brings them oysters -- "an aphrodisiac, not that you'll need it," she tells the horny Wili -- and they ask for as much wine as humans can drink. This is excellent.
Perry Smith cries after the audition, because neither he nor Justin got it. Justin tries to make out with the Quarterback Queen, but he chooses Anger. For now.
Daniel tries to set off the fire alarms on the boat and Wili, awesomely, is like, "Explosives work better! We didn't plan ahead..." She joins him with hairspray, and the alarms go off. Awesome. "Okay okay okay," says Improv, and it's really funny actually, "Don't panic, this happens like every other cruise!" So many horrible dates! So many arsonists! That is my story in a nutshell! Daniel and Wili head back to shore, clinking glasses and proud of themselves.