Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Boned By The Lohan
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.23.2008
Just as pathetic Betty is finally hailing a cab (forty-five minutes after getting screwed, which is like five days in Loser Time), Kimmie runs out to chat with her. Betty points out that she is a dick, and not to pretend to be her friend. Kimmie's like -- get this -- "That's why I brought Amanda and Marc! So we can ditch them!" I don't even understand that one, but Betty buys it instantly. Anyway, she weaves a web of lies, or else believes the lies and is thus crazy insane, and they head off together arm-in-arm.
It's not the things that happen, it's the way they're happening. I mean, this is a fine plot and storyline, but it's like the actual scenes were written by an alien who has heard of "people" but doesn't understand that people do things for reasons, so it's just these characters we used to know, doing stupid shit for no reasons at all. I'm trying not to choose Anger here, but I just ... if you don't even like Betty, why would you watch a show called Ugly Betty? Betty Suarez was seriously my hero for a long time but last year broke it and somehow even choosing Betty did not fix her this year.
Of course, having escaped their date, Daniel and Wili go for a moonlit stroll through the city, turning their real date into a better kind of date. She informs him that his stupid clock is not actually ticking because two months with a twelve year old is not the same as having a baby. Word up. They talk about her fears and this new baby, and her need for a partner to create a family with. Daniel turns to work talk, and she points out that they worked well as a team setting the boat on fake fire, and they should trust each other more. He points out that this is suicidal, and she knows that's valid. Then she walks into a strange apartment to fuck somebody she texted during the date. Daniel, of course, thinks this is the most adorable part. I agree.
Betty's totally hung over and sleeping in, and Daniel's freaked looking around for her, but Kimmie is there sabotaging her in a hundred ways. Basically, she talked Betty into sleeping in, got her drunk on Long Island Iced Teas, then got high-fived by Daniel for getting Mode into Page Six. Christina stokes the fires of anger, and then Betty finds them making fun of her high school yearbook.
Amanda points out that she's wearing the same outfit as in her Chess Club picture, and she protests that it was a rough morning. "Then? Or now?" asks Marc, sagely, and Kimmie talks about herself some more, then sends Betty to get her some water again just like before -- and there's a flashback for if you are dumb like Betty -- and Betty jumps Kimmie and pantses her, because she's an asshole. Marc's appalled face is particularly damning.