Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Fashion Roadkill!
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.09.2008
I love those Brooke Shields commercials about the people having babies to get VWs. I thought about pretending to be really offended by it but that's too dumb to pull off, I think. Betty jumps out from around the corner and screams, "HI!" Kids, if you're ever being approached by a dangerous drug addict who may have attacked your best friend and may be in turn coming back to finish the job, you should try to startle him as badly as possible. They love it, because it keeps their heart rate up. Stuart tries to get around Betty, which even in a hospital hallway is difficult, but she's not having it. She asks what size shoe he wears, and he says 14 (Daniel, who is about four feet taller than Stuart, wears 11) and that the kids at school called him Bigfoot, and it was humiliating.
(Oh, Derek Riddell. You deserve so much better than Stuart. You were so fucking amazing in Much Ado, and you were my favorite in The Book Group, besides Fist. You made me look at hooligans in a whole new way. Also having sex with Spanish soccer players and tiny Scottish soccer fans, you really made me think about those things too. Vale!) Anyway yes, he's on drugs, which is why he looks gross and not totally hot like usual, but the reason for that is that his experimental treatment was a bust, so now he has to take a bunch of drugs to dull the pain just like the rest of us.
Oh, plus he's totally going to die. Bummer. (Not actually a bummer.) Betty wastes no time in lecturing Stuart about how his moral imperative at this point is to walk in there to the woman convalescing and tell her that selling her entire dream, her ethics and her self-respect for cold, hard Wili dollars has resulted in a dying junkie without hope of recovery. Just like what was obviously going to happen. Futility, thy name is Scottish stereotypes. Sick Boy (!) heads in to break this gloomy news to Christina, I guess in the hopes that it will finish her off for good and then he can steal her meds or smoke her corpse or something.
Hilda sneaks into the house for some reason, but as adept as she's gotten at sneaking around, Ignacio is better at standing in the corner and waiting to ambush her. Which he does. He ambushes right up her ass. Hilda makes the excellent point that their entire family is based on adultery, which means that at least part of my memory of that is true, although she doesn't mention him going all Long Island Lolita on the guy, which may be the part I made up. Ignacio says that that is totally different, because in a feudal society like 1970's Mexico, where you're constantly fending off dinosaurs and talking hantaviruses and Tribbles, marriage means something different I guess. Plus, you know, it resulted in such shining examples as his daughters, who are both acting like buttheads this week. She calls this out as chauvinist Latino machismo bullshit, and he resorts to telling her that they are not discussing what a gross (possibly murderous) whore he was many years ago, and should get back to yelling at Hilda for being unable to pass up the totally sweet ass of Eddie Cibrian.