Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Prat House
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.12.2003
Doctor John's House Of Pain. Piper, in mid-sentence, inhales sharply and shoots forward in her seat while clutching at her chest as the camera zooms in towards her face. "What's the matter?" bleats the Dolt. "I just got a pain in my heart," Piper claims. Oh, gag. Like some cheap tchotchke the Feebs picked up at Wal-Mart is going to mean so goddamned much to your fucking marriage. No wonder you two are constantly on the brink of divorce.
The shot cuts back to the real Manor to zip over to Piper's Mysterious Curio Cabinet Of Tacky Marital Memorabilia. The wedding-cake ornament flares white and disintegrates from the top down. DUN!
Back from the break, Raige has finished the Blink-Away, which "poofs" agreeably on the stove. By the way, that American flag tacked onto the refrigerator wasn't there two years ago. Bad set decorators! Do it on the paper! What's that? Oh, leave me alone. If they can recycle entire scenes, I can recycle a bad joke or two. Or ten. Phoebe, meanwhile, has figured out that Piper's somehow responsible for the evening's events. "What's the common denominator?" Phoebe asks. "Piper and [the Dolt]," she continues, answering her own question. "Every past event has centered around them. They're taking a walk down memory lane -- literally." We know. Could you ladies now please hurry this along? I've got a deadline to meet. Raige, bless her, whatevers and corks both her potion vial and this entirely unnecessary round of exposition.
Doctor John's House Of Pain. The doc blathers about the "psychosomatic" effects involved when patients battle their "inner demons," before asking Piper to elaborate on when she first realized she was in love with the Dolt. Piper side-eyes the husband, who smiles wistfully. Cram it, monkey boy.
Over in the kitchen, Phoebe and Raige flare out, only to find themselves up in the attic witnessing Piper's healing scene from "Love Hurts," which happens to be one of the twelve first-season episodes not yet recapped. Shut up. I'll get to it sooner or later, but for now, no link for you. Also: Shit. I have to recap the goddamned flashback. Season One Dolt, blissfully unconscious yet disturbingly devoid of clothing from the waist up, has been stretched out on one of the attic divans. S1 Piper, distraught over the Dolt's imminent demise and her utter inability to prevent it, weeps bitter and frustrated tears as she rests a hand on his arm. One of her tears splashes onto that hand, which promptly glows yellow with the Whitelighter tingly touch. Long-term Charmed junkies will recall that a Darklighter kebabbed the Dolt earlier in this episode, and Piper cast a power-switching spell in hopes of reviving him. The spell inadvertently swapped Prue and Phoebe's powers as well, but while those ladies quickly accessed their respective new "triggers," Piper found herself unable to apply the tingly touch. Now, however, it's working, and as Piper professes her love for the moron, his sucking chest wound knits itself up. She pulls him into a desperate embrace and weeps, "I tried so hard and I couldn't make it work before -- why didn't you tell me?" "That love was the trigger?" he replies over her shoulder. "You had to find that out on your own." To quote Season Three Phoebe, "You had the answer all along? That's not help -- that's mind games." Word, Season Three Phoebe. Word. The Dolt asks Piper why she refused to cop to her love jones before, and Piper sniffles something about her abandonment issues before the two orb out, which did not happen in the original scene. Piper mastered the tingly touch alone out of all the Whitelighter powers she received in the swap, so she and the Dolt hobbled down the stairs after she healed him.