Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Suddenly Katya!
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.23.2005
The camera cuts to an establishing pan up the side of the Transamerica Pyramid, before ducking indoors to a tastefully appointed elevator bank on one of the upper floors. Seriously, that's one hell of a plush elevator car Raige has found for herself. I'm half expecting to spot a tasteful little mini-bar in the corner. Joining Raige for this leg of her evening's journey are a veritable bundle of television clichés, including a bickering pair of fortysomething marrieds, a supposedly adorable brunette moppet headed on her own to the lobby to meet her mother, and some fratboy-turned-corporate douchebag whose very appearance makes me recoil in horror from the television screen. Actually, they all make me recoil in horror from the television screen, but him most of all. Long story short, the cab suddenly shudders to a grinding halt between the seventeenth and eighteenth floors, trapping Raige with the others present -- one of whom, she quickly realizes in the dim glow of the car's emergency lights, must be the "future Whitelighter" she was sent to help. Of course, she quickly realizes this out loud, so everyone else looks at her like she's nuts. Muggy McGowan splutters out a verbal save that totally isn't before the scene cuts down to...
...Hell, where Patrick Swayze's Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed brother hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death at the purloined Box Of Pandora in a failed attempt to flip open its lid. Quite fortunately, Patrick Swayze's Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed Brother is fully clothed for his appearance on this show. Whew. Katya slinks around the corner to sneer at Creepy Ugly Swayze for a bit before getting positively giddy over the Box's contents, which, she details, have the power "to destroy cities, crumble empires, [and] devastate all that is good in the world." There's a joke about Republicans in there somewhere, but I'm too disheartened to find it. Creepy Ugly Swayze -- who's fairly amusing in his own, low-key manner, like, what's with the sudden appearance of all these engaging guest stars, and where the hell have these people been for the last six goddamned years? -- cocks a brow and wonders a bit dismissively, "All this just to impress Zankou?" Katya grunts, her glee vanishing instantly. "Just asking," Creepy Ugly Swayze shrugs. Hee. She's concocted this entire scheme just to get a little something from the hot overlord of Hell, right? And, really, who wouldn't? Oh, wait a minute. I've totally got that wrong. Katya's just power-hungry. Like every other goddamned dark demonic force on this show. How tedious. "For too long," Katya exposits, circling the table upon which the Box rests, "I've had to watch lesser demons rewarded -- been denied my proper place in the forefront!" "No," she finishes, leaning forward to direct her Cheshire grin at the Box, "Zankou will no longer be able to deny me after this." Creepy Ugly Swayze wonders why Katya doesn't just shape-shift into guardian form to open the Box, leading Katya to um, duh that simply because she might look like a guardian doesn't mean she'll also have access to that guardian's powers. "Then what are you going to do?" he asks. "I'll make her open it for me!" Katya smirks devilishly. The two dark demonic forces take a moment to delight in their supreme wickedness, and again, it's so much more fun when the forces of Hell on this show take pleasure in their work.
Manor. Piper ambles into the parlor from the main hall with the Dolt, explaining that the Book contains no entry on Katya and that scrying for Pandora's Box was utterly useless. Hey! Just like the Dolt! They join Phoebe and Haaate for another round of The Innocent Is Completely Overwhelmed By Her Sudden Knowledge Of All Things Magikal, during which Haaate freaks again, some more when the dead-eyed Psycho unexpectedly orbs into the room from above, and the upshot of all of this is that Haaate vehemently rejects her date with Destiny in favor of continuing on with her vapid, meaningless little existence as a Berkeley coed. Upon receiving yet another call from the distraught Darcy, Haaate rises from the sofa to flee the Manor. Phoebe moves to stop her with, "[Haaate], wait!" "No!" Haaate cries, spinning back to face the Feebs while holding up her right hand, and hooray! Haaate's casual gesture just happens to unleash a blast of shimmering white guardian mojo that plows straight into the Fun Bags and sends Phoebe hurtling backwards through the air to the far side of the parlor, where the Feebs completely demolishes a low bookcase with her bony ass. HA! Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Two delightful occasions of Phoebe abuse in one hour? That might earn this episode an A. Oh, who am I kidding? They'll knock the grade up to a B-minus at most. Haaate, now appalled at her own hands, stammers, "Oh, my God!" and takes advantage of the resulting confusion to slip out through the Manor's front door. "Phoebe? You okay?" Piper calls out wearily from the depths of an armchair as the Dolt crosses to offer his sister-in-law a hand. "Yeah!" Phoebe replies a bit snottily once she's back on her feet. "Aren't you tired of asking that?" "It does get a little repetitive," Piper sighs, pushing herself from the chair. Try recapping 120 episodes of it, dearie, and then we can talk about repetitive. Piper fully intends to go chasing after Haaate until Phoebe reminds her that they can't force the girl to accept her Destiny. Piper wonders what, then, they're to do in the meantime. Why, get the Box back from Katya before the demon has a chance to open it, of course. Piper grinds her teeth in annoyance and frustration. See above, Piper.