Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Suddenly Katya!
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.23.2005
Over at UC Sunnydale -- um, I mean "UC Berkeley" -- a sassy, diminutive blonde motors through a dorm hallway with her BFF, "Darcy," and is there a reason I should care about this pedeconference they're having about Darcy's boyfriend? Didn't think so. Goodbye, Darcy. No, goodbye, Darcy. I said GOODBYE, DARCY. Thank you! Finally, Darcy bails to make it to her chemistry lecture on time, and This Tiny Blonde Girl Is Totally Not Buffy Summers At All enters her remarkably spacious single alone. Alone, that is, save for the Wings Of Desire-style supernatural whispering that barges in there with her the instant she spots Pandora's Box on her bed. I'm Telling You, This Chick Is Not Miss Summers Of Sunnydale warily circles around her desk and hesitantly approaches the Box as the whisperings keep drifting in and out, their volume increasing and decreasing in no discernible pattern. I tried to decipher what the voices were saying, but it appears to be random strings of Craptin, so, you know. Screw that. Meanwhile, What Do I Have To Do To Convince You She's Not Buffy? has lifted the Box from atop her comforter and now gingerly unlatches the clasp to ease open the lid a fraction of an inch. The whispering's instantly replaced by a wheezing, anguished howl as a jet of black smoke bursts from the narrow opening. Why Won't You Believe Me When I Tell You She's Not Buffy, Dammit? quickly snaps the lid shut while gagging and choking a bit on the cloud, which soon enough rises above her head to clump into strings of foul wickedness that shoot through the dorm room's vent into the hallway beyond. Fuck You, She's Not Buffy wigs.
Not!warts. Raige seethes with pain as the Dental Drill Of Dreadful Discord (thanks, The Done One!) grinds into her skull. Raige grunts and vanishes from the frame, revealing Elizabeth Dennehy and the Dolt in the background of the shot. Elizabeth excitedly identifies the Dental Drill Of Dreadful Discord as the Whitelighters' "Global Alert," and encourages Raige to view it as a "gift, rather than a problem." Raige, with the Dolt's backing, insists that she doesn't want it. Elizabeth scoffs at the very idea for a bit before adjusting her tone and enthusing, "Becoming a Whitelighter is as natural a part of your unfolding Destiny as becoming a Charmed One." There's much, much more, but as that fucking Dental Drill Of Dreadful Discord refuses to shut the hell up, and as I quite honestly couldn't give a flying rat's ass about Raige at this point in the season, I'll just note that Elizabeth and the Dolt seem to arrive at the same crafty plan simultaneously, and convince Raige to accept just one Whitelightery mission of protection for the afternoon, as helping others helps one's self find "clarity," or some such bullshit. Whatever. And...scene. Well...scene, after Elizabeth and the Dolt smugly wiggle their eyebrows at each other over their supposedly clever deception. Yawn.
Nonexistent Attic. Piper's scrying for the Box's new guardian has thus far proved fruitless, so Nina yanks the amulet from her neck, thinking it might facilitate the process. The off-screen Psycho responds to this by dropping a brightly-colored block onto the center of the map with his orbing telekinesis, and that's it. Between snatching the Book away from his formidable mother and this, it's clear the foul, bitter blackness occupying the cavity in his wee chest where his heart should be has clearly recognized "Nina" as a fellow force of evil, and he's thwarting her clever, conniving machinations to, um, steal her masterful plan for himself. Or something. Just go with it. Damn demon child. In any event, I'm betting right now that Katya's a shape shifter, and that the real Nina's rapidly cooling corpse is currently functioning as rat food back in the pre-credits alleyway. Any takers? Didn't think so. You'd be foolish to bet against me. Though I have to admit, this fake-out and gradual reveal has been masterfully constructed and played. Well, as far as this show's standards go, at any rate. Anyway, Piper howls some bitchery in the Psycho's general direction as Katina grumbles impatiently and Phoebe snatches up the amulet and the crystal to continue the scrying herself. While the babbling continues, the crystal slams down on Berkeley, and do you think it could be a little more specific, maybe? I mean, Berkeley's a pretty big campus, and Fuck You, She's Not Buffy is just a tiny little blonde coed. Katina, deaf to my concerns, immediately strides over to the doorway to head to the university alone. Piper and Phoebe protest mightily, given the supposed results of Katina's last encounter with the demon who's after the Box, so Katina reluctantly agrees to swarm Piper over to the campus with her. Phoebe, meanwhile, is to remain at the Manor to warn the ever-useless Elders of this new threat to world order. And, presumably, to keep an eye on the kids, but that's never actually mentioned. Piper snarls something related to her tedious Issue Of The Week before Katina places her hands on Piper's shoulders and swarms on out of there. Phoebe heaves a put-upon sigh of concern. Shut up, Phoebe.