Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT If These Walls Could Talk 2
By Owen | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 03.27.2000
Michelle drives up to Chloe's house and apologizes in front of her screen door. Chloe comes out and tells her that "clothes are only a part of who [she is]." She starts to explain about when she was a little girl, but Michelle assures Chloe that she understands. Michelle says that she was never ashamed of Chloe, but has been ashamed of herself. She wants to be "comfortable with herself" just like Chloe is. As the girlfriends reconcile, a neighbor guy takes out his trash and he lingers outside, all David E. Kelley-ish, hoping to glimpse some hot girl-on-girl action. Chloe and Michelle mack. Michelle shouts that the "lesbians are going inside to have SEX!" ["What an idiot! Sure, in an ideal world she might've been able to make that public proclamation without fearing for their safety. Michelle's clearly naïve of the Eric Rudolph types." -- Jitterbug] Neighbor guy's eyes bug. End. Two down, one to go. They saved the worse segment for last ["Hey!" -- Jitterbug] . . . “Heather Has Two Dharmas.” Footage from recent Gay Pride rallies and lesbian marriage ceremonies, accompanied by caterwauling from the Indigo Girls. ["Love the Indigo Girls, but really, do they have to always be the band that plays the lesbian anthem?" -- Jitterbug] The title says "2000." Sharon Stone is phoned the morning of the day of shooting and is pitched the role of Ellen Degeneres's love interest/lesbian life partner at the last minute. Sharon shows up with bedhead hair and pajama bottoms, thinking the filming is "come as you are" since she's a slumming big-time movie star. ["Actually, the intentionally-messed-up-hair look is the current chic for rich lesbians." -- Jitterbug] That's the only explanation I can possibly imagine for her appearance in this flick. Our story begins in the House of Talking Walls with Sharon upstairs brushing her teeth and boogying to salsa music while Ellen sits downstairs with a male gay couple. Sharon keeps brushing her teeth and checking out her belly. Ellen shares chit-chat with the guys, who are played by that dull guy who was the groom in the recent Father of the Bride flicks and Mitchell Anderson (natch), because although he's untalented, at least he's out, so he gets to do all of the gay man roles in Hollywood that Rupert Everett rejects. (Urgent plea: Please, please come out of the closet, gay men with acting ability. P.R., I'm looking in your direction.) ["K.S., I'm looking at you too." -- Jitterbug] Sharon finally comes downstairs, wearing a baby doll sailor dress with a pillow stuck in the belly. She says, "Taa daa!" and I guess we're supposed to laugh. ["I polled my friends recently, so I can assume that either you like Sharon Stone or you don't. There isn't anyone in the gray. I like her; think she's cute." -- Jitterbug] ["Girl, you can have her." -- Sars] I look over at the Walls Who Might Talk, and they're cringing at the sudden nose-dive of quality in this film. Sharon joins Ellen on the couch, and they argue with the gay men because the guys want to break their agreement to donate sperm but not have anything to do with the child Ellen and Sharon hope to raise together. The Dharmas are adamant about this "zero parenting clause" and express grief over the setback.