Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT If These Walls Could Talk 2
By Owen | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 03.27.2000
Cut to the worst scene in the whole segment: Ellen leafs through the sperm donor candidate information and attempts a tragicomic monologue restating her belief that it's so damn unjust that the Dharmas can't reproduce without any outside assistance. You know what, Ellen? Big fat frickin' WHATEVER. So biology is just not on your side? You might as well curse the heavens for having to yield to gravity. Or go start a petition against those biased laws of physics while you're at it. So it's Nature 1, Ellen 0. Boo hoo. Get over it! ["However, the couple's dilemma has been somewhat of an untouched subject in gay film. I found it refreshing and realistic. At least none of the three segments were 'coming out stories.'" -- Jitterbug]. Sharon, wearing an ineffective headband, busily makes brownies in the background. She gently reminds Ellen that she just needs to "narrow down" the donor choices. Ellen has winnowed it down -- to the guys who look just like her. The air blooms narcissus some more. Sharon offers Ellen a tray of brownies. Ellen has refused "to get fat over this process." Once again, I'm reminded that she's too lazy to offer to carry the baby her own damn self. Then the Dharmas have sex because "there's better entertainment than what's on TV." Sharon, you just said a mouthful. Owen crosses "watching Ellen Degeneres getting some" from his list of things he hoped never to see before he died. David E. Kelley wears down the "pause" and "rewind" buttons on his VCR while Michelle Pfeiffer calls to him, wondering if he's ever going to come to bed. Bathroom. Sharon, in another set of pajamas paired with cute track-shoe mules, has completed a test that tells her she's ovulating. The Dharmas rejoice and the slapstick begins. They run downstairs. Ellen calls the sperm bank. Sharon suddenly has second thoughts about the donor. She finally chooses "the carpenter." Ellen is pleased, because Jesus was a carpenter. Holy Mary, Mother of Christ! Get over yourself, hon! Ellen is suddenly crestfallen because the sperm bank is "out of Jesus." The yuppie divas whine and regret that they didn't buy up all the Jesus when he was in stock. Ellen demands over the phone that the sperm bank get Jesus to "produce more." Ellen is told it's not possible. Sharon settles for "the professor." Ellen orders "all of it" and goes to fetch the seed. Ellen picks up a metal container of sperm the size of a milk urn. Aretha Franklin and Annie Lennox's "Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves" starts up (GET IT?), and both singers' stock plummets on Owen's celebrity trading floor. Cut to Ellen driving five miles an hour down the road with a string of cars idling behind her. A car passes, and Ellen explains that she's going so slow because she's carrying "sperm." Heh -- it's the Dharmas' Wacky World of Insemination Hijinx, and everyone else just lives in it. Cut to Sharon at home, boiling a turkey baster.