Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT If These Walls Could Talk 2
By Owen | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 03.27.2000
Ellen pulls up the house and lugs the urn to the door. Sharon greets her in a feather boa, black bra, and boxer shorts. The Dharmas titter about carrying "the baby" upstairs. Sharon has littered flowers all over the bedroom. She sheepishly shows Ellen the shriveled turkey baster that she over-boiled. Lucy's got some 'splainin to do! Ricky loves her anyway. We never get to find out how Sharon gets inseminated with the urn full of semen. The walls assure me that I don't want to know. Montage Alert! Sharon does a headstand to improve her fertility. Ellen lugs more sperm inside the house. The Dharmas mack and mug some more. Headstand. Lugging. Macking. Mugging. Headstand. Lugging. Macking. Mugging. Repeat ad nauseam. Examining room. Sharon's in the stirrups. Kathy Najimy is the attending physician. Sharon expositions her complaint about being "so infertile" -- the at-home inseminations never took. Ellen redundantly brings her a glass of wine. Kathy offers tertiary praise of the Dharmas for being "so amazing" during the whole impregnation process. She asks Ellen if she wants to be the one to insert the sperm. Does she ever! Sharon braces herself, all actressy, but the procedure takes less than a second. The Dharmas kiss. Kathy makes herself scarce. Owen wants to go with. That kooky Sharon does a headstand while -- guffaw! -- she's strapped in the front seat of the SUV. Ellen pulls up to the playground and Sharon takes her feet out of the sunroof. They sit on the hood of the car and scope out young'uns. Sharon wonders if their pregnancy is "selfish" because their child will be teased. Ellen: Blah blah all kids get teased yadda yadda prejudice might be wiped out in the next generation yaw yaw house of love blather rinse repeat. The Dharmas talk to a woman who's leaving the park with her children. She suggests that they give motherhood a try. Tertiary praise from a complete stranger now. Whatever. Next! Bathroom. Sharon shows the indicator stick of a pregnancy test to Ellen. It's positive. They smile. They double take. They gape. They wail. They hug. "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" begins to groove. The camera in the doorway films the Dharmas as they cavort and boogie all over their enormous bathroom. It's kind of like the scene in Bull Durham where Annie Savoy and Crash Davis dance together to "Sixty Minute Man" in her parlor, except they were likable characters in a laudable piece of entertainment. The credits roll. I heard the ratings were very good for this installment. I know the subjects that are probably being bandied about for If These Walls Could Talk 3: menopause, breast cancer, domestic violence, girls who don't follow The Rules, pads without wings. Can I suggest that it be about renovation? I covet that cavernous bathroom. End.