Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT If These Walls Could Talk 2
By Owen | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 03.27.2000
Cut to the Dharmas sitting on the hood of their SUV, scoping out the yard apes. They want a kid the way Carmen on Popular wants to eat food and lead cheers. Everybody up to speed? Great! Moving on. Sharon, still thinking she's got the title role in The Laurie Anderson Story, sits in her spiky chaos hair and glasses and lounging pajamas while cruising the net for sperm-for-sale sites. Ellen nixes this, because picking up the sperm is "the least she can do." (Which it really is, since Sharon will be carrying the child.) Sharon queries, "Maybe we can think about having an ethnic baby? Ethnic babies are SO beautiful!" I guess the Dharmas want the child to match all their Pier One furnishings. Whatever! But prima donna Ellen throws a fit, because she wants the baby to look just like her. Sharon apologizes for her suggestion and strokes Ellen's ego. The Dharmas declare their love for one another, as if these narcissists have the ability to feel for anyone but themselves. Sperm Bank. Wacky hijinx as the Dharmas run around the labyrinth of hallways. Ellen delivers a still-born comedy monologue about "donor profiles" reminding her of "FBI profiles" and how the baby's father might turn out to be a felon; Sharon follows her in an untucked Hawaiian shirt and sweatpants. (Note to Sharon Stone: We understand that you're not reprising your lesbian ice-pick murderess role in Basic Instinct. But does this pro bono performance mean you really have to look so unglamorous and disheveled? You just lost Camille Paglia as a fan.) The Dharmas run into a couple of guys and Ellen quips, "How's it coming?" I think we're supposed to laugh here, too. Next! Cut to a waiting room. The Dharmas sit on one side while a Disapproving Heterosexual Couple sits across from them. Sharon muses aloud about her wish for "a great guy out there who's willing to donate his sperm to this great lesbian couple." The DHC grimaces as they look over at the Great Lesbian Couple. I bet we're supposed to think they're prejudiced, but I'm imagining a thought balloon over the husband that says, "What frightened her so badly that her frosted tips are standing straight up?" while his wife is thinking, "Wow, that Anne Heche looks at least twenty years older in person." ["I still like Sharon Stone, but that's very funny." -- Jitterbug] Office. A sperm broker assures the Dharmas that each donor is researched extensively and they would be getting "the cream of the crop." If that joke wasn't obvious enough for you, we cut to a close-up of Sharon squeezing creamy white moisturizer into her hand while incredulously pondering the "cream of the crop" sales spiel. If these jokes get any broader, the interior walls of the house will have to be knocked out completely. Oh wait, most of them have been already (or did some of the walls refuse to come out of their trailers after reading the script?) because we see Ellen exercising in a spacious home gym while listening to Sharon blather. The Dharmas consider adoption. Ellen cites the prejudice they'd face as a gay couple in trying to get an agency to give them a child. Hey, wait a minute, what about Ro -- ? (The MBTV lawyers won't let me finish that thought.) Ellen throws a big blue medicine ball in the air while she bemoans homophobia; the ball might as well be an anvil, because it so obviously represents the oppressive weight of the current prejudiced world. ["Fair enough, but I was thinking that exercise ball looked cool -- more fun than the treadmill at the gym. I have a short attention span, I guess." -- Jitterbug] Ellen bitches that she's not able to get Sharon pregnant. Sharon enters the room in yet another pair of baggy drawstring pants and strokes Ellen's ego by assuring her that she's through with men, and the very thought that a "part of a man" has to enter their bedroom makes her upset. Ellen complains that Sharon is "sitting on her ball." Sharon laughs, because I guess this was a joke. But wasn't the whole point of this scene Ellen's regret at not having testes? Whatever. ["Okay, wait a minute! Not all lesbians have penis envy and the frustration of wanting a baby does not merit the immediate assumption of wanting 'testes.'" -- Jitterbug] So flame me. I stand by my interpretation of the ball Ellen's holding to her crotch. Next!