Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Weak Adults & Corrupt Children
By Jacob Clifton | Season 2 | Episode 18 | Aired on 01.30.2012
FACULTY PARTY
Cute Old Man: "Ezra Fitz, since you have the rich background of teaching high school English for almost a semester, and you've been teaching at this college for going on three whole months, I think it's high time you were given an Associate Dean's position."
Ezra: "That seems believable, sure."
Cute Old Man: "Except it's in New Orleans..."
Ezra: "Hmm."
Cute Old Man: "...And this whole thing is Byron Montgomery's idea."
Byron raises his scotch in a silent and sort of quasi-Noel Kahn salute from across the room. Byron's the lamest, don't get me wrong, but that was pretty awesome. "Choose, monkey!"
Ezra: "Well, tell me about New Orleans. Do they by any chance have little girls there?"
MARIN CANDLE EXTRAVAGANZA
Surrounding yourself with the contents of an entire Yankee Candle store is, at least in my house, a definite sign that you are going through something. And thus we know that Hanna is in the Depths of Despair. Caleb, having received Aria Montgomery amounts of calls from his girlfriend, finally deigns to visit. He enters the conflagration warily.
Caleb: "Hanna, why are you acting like the new Spencer Hastings?"
Hanna: "Caleb, why are you acting like the old Spencer Hastings? Do you not remember that whole period of time where I caught you spying on me with a teddy bear for that girl we blinded, and I threw you out of my house? I seem to remember honesty being a factor of our reconciliation."
Caleb: "Yeah, but this time I was doing it to protect you. Obviously you girls aren't going to solve this mystery on your own, which is why you needed a man's help."
Hanna: "First of all, eff you. Second of all, I don't really care about the murder. That's between you and me, but frankly when A gets distracted and gets off my jock for five seconds I try to enjoy it."
Caleb: "Tell me more about the complex system of blackmail and degradation that has haunted you for nigh these many months."
Hanna: "We were poor this one time..."
Caleb: "I lived literally under the stairs when you met me. Please don't get your privilege on this. You're the one who's mad at me, remember?"
Hanna: "Okay, for a gorgeous rich white girl, things can only get so bad. You are right about that. But in this case, it was bad, and comparing poor-people sob stories is not what I am trying to do right now. The punchline is, my mom stole a bunch of money from an old lady."
Caleb: "Are you saying you need money? Because Lucas won't stop giving me money..."
Hanna: "No, I am saying that a certain ubiquitous and all-powerful, vengeful personage knows about this, and you're not the only person I have to protect. I also have to protect my drunken, reckless mother."