Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 2 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.10.2003
By the time the image returns, Phoebe and Raige have reached the pre-credits Antarctic ice chamber, and no, I have no idea why the entire area's suddenly flooded with sunlight when it was dark enough to require torches mere hours ago. I hate this show. Raige orders Phoebe to force a premonition off the black smear left by Brawny John's abrupt departure. Phoebe does so, but chooses not to share it with the audience, and I can't remember the last time we saw one of her black-and-white visions. I also can't remember the last time I cared. Phoebe finishes giving Raige the short version of earlier demonic events just as the ground beneath them rumbles and shakes. The two gals disappear beneath a cascade of quake-loosened snow as the shot cuts to the crappy CGI tornado finally freeing this Cronus person from his ice pillar, and wow. Cronus really needs to put down the needle and back away from the steroids. Bogtrotter returns to earth in time to witness Bitch Tits hurling dark threats of vengeance at an unspecified "Them" in the sky. We're twenty minutes in, and the word "Titans" has yet to be uttered by anyone onscreen.
Back in the chamber, Phoebe and Raige splutter as they dig their way out of the snow. "An earthquake!" Raige enthuses. "Did I call it or, what?" Phoebe shoots Raige a wicked side-eye and snits, "Did I mention this sucks?" Blow it out your ass, Phoebe. This crap is nothing compared to the endless nonsense that follows. Two hours. Why me? Raige ignores the Feebs while the Feebs herself slouches glumly into the commercial break.
Manor attic. Phoebe, wrapped in a blanket, shivers and moans while Raige abuses the Book of Shadows in a futile search for the "ancient-looking" people from Phoebe's premonition. Just as Piper enters to wonder what gives, the Dolt orbs in with news that one of his brethren has suddenly and inexplicably disappeared. Raige connects the dots and insists that the Whitelighter's disappearance has something to do with what she and Phoebe encountered in the ice chamber. "You were in an ice cave?" the Dolt asks warily, and while I ignored that line the first time it flew by, its implications became clear upon the second viewing -- the damn Dolt knows exactly what's going on as far as the Titans are concerned, though why he chooses not to inform the others at this point is beyond my understanding. It's also beyond my ability to care, really, but let's keep this moving, shall we? Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt move to clear their respective schedules to focus on emergent situation, but Piper selfishly and stupidly insists that they carry on as usual until instructed otherwise. She does allow the Dolt to head back to Whitelighterland, to convey Raige's sage advice that a temporary moratorium be placed on the whole orbing thing until the mystery of the missing Whitelighter has been solved. Thanks for that bit of magnanimity, Piper. The Dolt promises to catch up with the wife at couples' counseling later that afternoon, and orbs out.