Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 2 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.10.2003
Back in the attic, the assembled Stoopid Magikal Kreatures combine the zombie dust, the trouser nuggets, a Phoebe potion vial, and an axe to free Raige from her tacky fiberglass prison. Phoebe races over to drag Raige downstairs for a processing summit with Piper. "You're welcome!" Lead Dwarf shouts at their backs. Oooh. Snap!
Parlor. Oh, dear. Piper's in another one of her moods. The gals natter about their Issues for a bit before Lead Dwarf toddles in to say goodbye. The Stoopid Magikal Kreatures have received orders to protect the few ever-useless Elders who managed to escape to earth before Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits arrived in Whitelighterland. Freaky Tiny Iguana Lady's to remain in the Bridal Boudoir with The Woefully Neglected Done One, but everyone else is out of there. Phoebe's all, "Who gave the order?" Piper breathes, "[Dolt]," before screaming her husband's name at the ceiling.
Whitelighterland. The Dolt emerges from some super-secret vault with a carved alabaster urn. His first impulse is to return to the Manor, but Big Gay Chris lays it on the line -- someone has to remain upstairs to coordinate the counterattack, and that someone is the Dolt. The Dolt pouts. Shut it, Dolt. Big Gay Chris orbs back down to San Francisco. The Dolt plants himself on some heavenly stairs and reads the following from the side of the urn:
Ekre o gee
Akman minento.
No, I don't know what it means. Thank God. The Mythological Mojo spills out of the urn and dives down through the floor as Piper's voice echoes through Whitelighterland.
Parlor. Big Gay Chris orbs in, to be greeted by nothing but rampant bitchery and unreasonable demands. The Mythological Mojo soon arrives to shut the Glamorous Ladies up. It swirls down from the ceiling to form a whirlwind around the Ps that quickly obscures them from view. When The Mojo finally dissipates, Raige, Phoebe, and Piper are revealed in the white goddess costumes familiar to anyone who caught the promos that ran for three endless weeks on the WB: Raige, hair up, trident in hand, breasts just barely glued into her bodice with what I'm certain is a budget-busting amount of toupee tape; Phoebe, showing far less skin than usual, but with a ludicrous and lengthy blonde wig; and Piper, looking fairly normal, actually, in a single-shouldered sheath with her hair down. Alyssa Milano mugs shamelessly with her wig, chasing her tresses in a circle like a dog trying to catch its own tail. "W-what happened?" Raige stutters. "What are we?" "You're gods," Big Gay Chris shrugs with smile on his lips and a twinkle in his eyes. The camera pans across a confused Raige, a horny Phoebe, and a "You're kidding with this shit, right?" Piper before cutting abruptly to black.