Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 2 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.10.2003
Down in the Bridal Boudoir, the Dolt observes as Freaky Tiny Iguana Lady mojos a blanket around The Woefully Neglected Done One, and this is just fucking ridiculous. The kid in the crib is not The Achingly Cute Doltine Cracker, Quasimodo, Wyatt-San, The Precious Done One Log, or The Rapidly Aging Drag Queen. It's some entirely new goddamned infant, likely hired for this episode alone. This kid's blond, for fuck's sake. Is this some kind of running gag, like the Durwood thing on Bewitched? I wouldn't mind if it were, but either acknowledge it as such or stop switching around the fucking kids. Whatever. Piper races into the room to warn the Dolt of the threat to the ever-useless Elders. The Dolt's off like a prom dress.
Whitelighterland. Everyone's dead. The Dolt drops to his knees in agony and angst. Fortunately, tonight's director has chosen to film the Dolt's agony and angst from as far across the soundstage as possible, so the audience is spared the terrifying sight of The Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment. Rather, we focus on the very dead Elder Elder in the foreground before cutting away to the final commercial break of the first hour.
Attic. The C.S.I. leprechaun, whom I'm just going to call "Mike," doses Tacky Raige with one of his trouser nuggets. That goddamned undead fairy queen then sprinkles a little zombie dust on Tacky Raige's head, and Lead Dwarf whacks at her with his axe. Nothing happens. Phoebe encourages them to keep trying, then heads over to see what Big Gay Chris is up to at the bookcase. He's examining the antiques, of course, and he affably notes, "You know, you guys keep these things for-ever." Phoebe cuts to the chase: "You knew about the [ever-useless] Elders, didn't you?" Piper barrels in as Big Gay Chris admits that he did indeed know what would happen, but that those who sent him instructed him to allow the Glamorous Ladies to figure things out on their own. Phoebe's not entirely satisfied with this answer, and Piper's even less satisfied when her son answers her own query with another of his, as she puts it, "cryptic crap" responses. She orders him upwards to fetch his errant dad back to the Manor. Chris agrees, but urges them to focus on freeing Auntie Raige while he's gone. "You're gonna need her," he promises, "soon."
Once he's orbed away, Piper gets in a good one with, "I swear to God, if he does not come back with [the Dolt], I'm going to blow his ass back to the future -- orbs and all!" Phoebe suggests Piper spend time with The Woefully Neglected Done One while she deals with Tacky Raige.
Whitelighterland. Were there actual scenery to chew up there on the sparse Heaven set, Brian Krause would be munching on it at this very moment. Big Gay Chris orbs in and convinces his enormous ham of a father to unleash The Mythological Mojo on the Glamorous Ladies. Scene.