Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 2 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.10.2003
Up in the attic, Big Gay Chris leafs through the Book. Piper enters to shriek, "What are you doing?" Big Gay Chris is all, "Chill out, Mom. I'm just trying to find a way to free Stone Cold [Raige] over there." Or maybe he just says that second sentence, but when Piper insists that he "step away," Big Gay Chris is all, "Mom, please. Like I haven't looked at this before?" Okay, so he didn't say all of that, either. Shut up. Piper just stares him down until Chris relinquishes control while tossing his hands in the air and pouting, "What-ever!" "But you should update the Goblins entry," he dishes as he takes a seat. "'Cause trust me: It's gonna get ugly!" Piper clenches, and I'm never going to make it through this scene if I highlight every clue they're tossing out regarding their relationship and his sexual orientation, so just assume this: Every time Big Gay Chris opens his mouth, a subtextual "Mom" pops out, followed by a cunning Kate Spade handbag. Big Gay Chris explains that the Glamorous Ladies can't vanquish the Titans with the Power of Three, and then proceeds to lay a little history on Momma's behind. The last time the Titans posed a threat to the natural world, the ever-useless Elders had to infuse a group of mortals "with a hell of a lot of power." These enhanced humans were able to imprison the Titans, but after the powers bestowed upon them drove them somewhat insane, "they declared themselves gods and forced the world to worship them," and the ever-useless Elders "swore they would never let that happen again." "Hang on a second," Piper tells him. "I'm having a ninth-grade flashback. Are you talking about the Greek gods -- Zeus, Athena, Aphrodite?" Big Gay Chris nods his big gay head and adds that the missing mortals-and-Elders connection "is not the only inaccuracy" in the old myths. Damn. Drew Fuller's got some nice eyes. Now if he could only do something about his iffy line readings.
Phoebe enters with Lead Dwarf and the C.S.I. leprechaun, who approaches Tacky Raige to give her a quick once-over. The leprechaun decides that, in addition to his magical trouser nuggets, they'll need pixie dust to free Raige. "I'll get a fairy," Lead Dwarf deadpans. "I left my axe downstairs, anyway." Raise your hands if you thought he was going to drag that shirtless oracle back up to the attic. See? It's not just me. While all this is going on, Phoebe crosses to the Book for a brief confab with her sister and her nephew. When Piper wonders why the Titans would abduct Whitelighters, Big Gay Chris basically duhs, "For the orbs, of course." Piper puts three and eleven together to get the season and episode numbers for the last time we saw this brand of theft as a plot device. She gets a look of frantic panic on her face, and runs off for the Dolt. "What did she just figure out?" Phoebe asks. "Nothing good," Big Gay Chris confirms.