Episode Report Card Demian: C- | 2 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.10.2003
Whitelighterland. They've either redecorated since last we visited, or this is some new and exciting bathhouse-themed area of Heaven we've never seen before. The Dolt arrives amid various clicking Elder-types, all of whom sport dreadful gold-toned velour robes. The Dolt crosses to a middle-aged Elder of color who's clicking with a twentysomething Tom Cruise clone, and you can make your own Tom-Cruise-in-a-bathhouse joke, because I refuse to be sued. The clone, incidentally, is even more unpleasant than the original, if that's at all possible. The Dolt asks for an update on the situation, only to be shot down by the Cruise-alike, who snaps something about super-secret Elder information and the Dolt's lack of high-level clearance. The Dolt snaps back that he already knows the bizarre weather patterns and earthquakes are linked to something larger, and adds that Raige's "instincts" have been warning her all week that things were going awry on a global scale. The Cruise-alike snots something insipid in return. The elder Elder tells Tom Cruise to stop being such a pissy, punk-ass bitch, then draws the Dolt aside for a private chat. The Dolt mentions Raige's suggestion regarding the orbing moratorium, with which Elder Squared agrees. Elder Elder Bo Belder then instructs the Dolt to return to the Manor to ensure that the Glamorous Ladies focus on the problem at hand. When the Dolt wonders if Banana Fana Fo Felder is worried, Fee Fi Mo Melder simply chuckles, "At the end of the day, even we can't change what's meant to be. Just remember that no matter what happens, you must always follow your instincts, too." The Dolt tries to take all of this in, but his weeny little brain quickly overheats and he drops to the ground to flail about, gasping and foaming at the mouth. Okay, not really, but Christ on a stick. Would something happen already?
Back on earth, a grievously injured woman slowly dies in the middle of a clearing as a dizzy blonde in a peasant blouse orbs in to apply the tingly touch. Unfortunately, the dizzy blonde neglects to notice the tacky, fiberglass-and-papier-mâché "statue" of a gentleman in tingly-touch position off to the side. Boobarella steps into the clearing, attracts Peasant's attention with her painfully obvious Kentucky accent, and petrifies Peasant Blouse with a glare. No, seriously. Boobarella's eye flare up, and Peasant Blouse turns into stone. Or fiberglass coated with papier mâché. Whatever. Boobarella stares into the camera for a very long moment before the scene cuts back to Antarctica. Boobarella spins in with the tacky statues to find Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits waiting for her. Bitch Tits is most displeased that Boobarella managed to score a mere two petrified Whitelighters, but Boobarella placates him by stroking one of his terrifying pectorals. Yeesh. Meanwhile, Bogtrotter keeps yammering about "taking revenge on [their] captors," and I know that's not the best way to phrase that particular sentiment, but then again, what the hell do I care? None of these three are going to live to see the end of the episode, so instead of all this speechifying, do you think it would be possible for them to hurry things along? Please? Jesus. Boobarella convinces Bitch Tits that he and Bogtrotter should suck the orbs out of the papier mâché Whitelighters and use the purloined power to capture a third for her. Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits agree, and cross to fling jazz hands at the statues, thereby commencing with the orb-sucking. Once the orbs have transferred into the boys, the "statues" crumble to CGI dust.