Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part II)
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.27.2003
Murder and mayhem erupt when the Three Stooges barge in on a truck-jacking and slaughter everyone involved. Scene. No, really -- that's all that happened.
Back at the Manor, the Dolt's finally traded that ludicrous gladiator skirt for a pair of jeans. However, now that I've noticed how short his legs are, I can't stop looking at them. Somebody shoot me in the eye. Anyway, the kids are all up in the attic, where Stumpy and Chris busily bicker about how best to save Piper. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in, so she snarls, "Would you knock it off? I'm still reeling from Piper's emotions. I don't need this!" Hate. Her. Only Phoebe could take a power like empathy and proceed to make each and every goddamned thing All About Her All. The Fucking. Time. Instead of smacking his selfish hag of an aunt in the teeth, Big Gay Chris meekly apologizes. Dude. You blew up your own stupid father. I know you can give this wench the violent mangling she so richly deserves, so what the hell are you waiting for? Do it! He doesn't listen to me. Sigh. I hope you realize how difficult you're making it for me to love you, Chris.
Evidently, Phoebe and Raige have decided to reverse Raige's backfiring memory spell from the previous hour. The sight of the Dolt in his ridiculous warrior garb was enough to shock Piper out of the mojo he'd worked on her, but Raige's still-active spell has allowed Piper to retreat into a Valkyrie identity. Said identity is a perfect way for Piper to flee from herself because, as Chris puts it, Valkyries are "always in control" of their emotions in order "to serve the greater good." "They don't have to deal with pain or loss," he adds. Which, Phoebe notes, is precisely why they must "make Piper believe she's Piper again." "If we don't get her back mentally," she argues, "it doesn't matter if we get her back physically." Raige reminds everyone that Piper wasn't exactly all there before Raige unleashed her wacky memory spell. The Dolt buhs?, so Raige is forced to reveal that the Dolt's glowy mojo only served to make Piper "incessantly, increasingly, annoyingly chipper." The Dolt explains that it "was supposed to make [Piper] feel less pain," and that in his unexpected absence, his spell must have made Piper "happier and happier." "No," Raige disagrees curtly. "Psychotically chipper." Heh. "Way to go," Chris smirks, making with the sarcastic clapping. Hee! See? Dolt-bashing is fun!
Phoebe gripes that Big Gay Chris's sarcasm is giving her a migraine or something, then shrews, "I swear, my new power is going to drive! Me! Crazy!" Suffer, bitch. Your new power sent me around the bend sixty minutes ago when you first used it on Dipshit, and I'm running out of nasty names to hurl in your direction, you irritating twit. Jesus! I'm never going to make it through the season, am I? At the rate it's going, this show is going to kill me by November sweeps. The Cook County medical examiner is going to find me crumpled on the floor of my apartment with what remains of my scattered brain splattered all over the wall from where it shot out of my ear, and on the TV? An endless, Satanic loop of Phoebe Halliwell babbling, "Me. Me me me me. Me? Me! MEEEEEEEE!" GOD! ANY-way, the Dolt assures the Feebs that with patience, she'll soon get a handle on her new abilities. Despite this, Phoebe still harbors some doubts, and I'd gloss over this bit of the conversation were it not for the unexpected mention of The Late Lamented by name. "I remember Prue almost being destroyed that time she was an empath." Nice of the Feebs to bring that up. Not so nice of her to remember it wrong. By the end of that episode, Prue had so mastered the power of empathy, she used it to off the demon of the week. Shut up, Phoebe.