Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part II)
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.27.2003
As the brutalized Chris reforms in the wreckage of Piper's Mysterious Curio Cabinet, Phoebe physically restrains the Dolt, shouting, "Enough! This hostility is killing me!" If only. And it's All About You again, huh? Zip it, sow. "You didn't tell them, did you?" pisses the Dolt. Big Gay Chris slowly rises to his feet, and oh my God! He looks like he's going to cry! Awwww. Poor Big Gay Chris. Here. Let Demian make it all better for you.
Sigh.
Anyway, as has been pointed out on the forums, that specific reaction to the Dolt's beatdown lends credence to the idea that Big Gay Chris is the adult version of The Done One. Like I said at the end of last season, I hope that's true, but I doubt they'd go there on this show. It's just far too complicated for Charmed. In any event, the rest of the scene plays out as follows: The Dolt tosses accusations at his son, Big Gay Chris sasses back at his dad out of hurt and shame, and Phoebe and Raige defend their nephew's honor against their ex-brother-in-law's attacks. The gals yank off their respective jade pendants in unison, flare back into their normal clothes, and head off to the attic to abuse the Book of Shadows in hope of finding some way to rescue Piper from the Isle Of Dykes.
Isle Of Dykes. Bride Of Riley passes a hand in front of Piper's face in some sort of lesbionic mind-meld, and announces, "She's Valkyrie, but it's not pure. Deep inside, I sense --" "Witch?" Strap-On snaps through fifteen layers of navy-blue mascara and a pair of glossy, collagen-enhanced lips. "Yes," Riley admits. "I told you," Strap-On snits. "She came with the other witches. She has to be one, too." "She wouldn't be the first witch to convert," Vaughn notes, "and if she has, we've gained a powerful sister." Should I be worried that the lesbians are talking about "converting" Piper? Or am I reading too much into this dialogue? What? I am reading too much into it? Okay, we'll go with that. For now. Just keep in mind this show's historically insulting treatment of queer characters, okay? A supposedly ominous conversation follows, in which the Brides speak of "taking care of the problem" -- said problem being, of course, Phoebe and Raige's knowledge of the Isle Of Dykes' existence. They also fret about the horrors The Three Stooges might perpetrate on the outside world. Yeah, pie-throwing's pretty reprehensible, isn't it? Piper, who's remained silent during all of this, finally rises to speak. If the Stooges don't take care of the Manor Ps, she asserts with unnerving amounts of calm, "we will." DUN! Or maybe not. It sure seems like a DUN!, though, don't you think? Oh, screw it. This premiere pureed my brain into oatmeal three days ago, and I really can't be bothered to care anymore. DUN! it is.