Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part II)
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.27.2003
And we're back. Raige and her leg-humping bulldog wander down the sidewalk. Raige has her temp agency boss on the phone, and she's…you know what? Fuck it. This is an absolutely pointless and insulting subplot, made all the worse by the crappy special effects that pop up when the leg-humping bulldog starts talking to her. (Seriously, it's like Baby Bob here, people.) Long story short, once Raige accepts that she received her dog-walking assignment to serve somehow the greater good, Oscar The Raige-Humping Bulldog reveals he's actually a human who's been cursed by an evil witch. Raige wings the following spell:
I call upon the Halliwells,
I call our powers to undo this spell:
Make right again, that we must --
Reverse the curse that made this mutt.
And Oscar morphs into Joe Millionaire. That's it. Well, that and this horribly embarrassing admission: I think Evan Marriott's kind of hot. Shut up.
EW. Back at The Mirror, Chronic and the Feebs emerge from behind his desk. They're sweaty, rumpled, and half-naked. Yes, they did it on the floor. WITH FIFTY PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. Whatever! Fast-forward. Fast-forward. Fast-forward. Oh, hello, Raige. You're here to drag Phoebe off to find Piper? How lovely! Yes, let's go!
Chop Shop. Piper and the Brides engage The Three Stooges in hand-to-hand combat. This fight goes on for a good four minutes, and half of that time is devoted to excruciatingly dull slow-motion shots. Really, guys, if you don't have enough material for a double episode, don't make a double episode. Squeeze it into one hour, for God's sake. Anyway. Eventually, Raige orbs in with Phoebe. The two note Piper's improved fighting skills with delight, until Piper decides to use those skills on them. Phoebe shouts for Raige to recite the reversal spell, which reads as follows:
Spell was cast,
Now make it pass:
Remove it now,
Don't ask me how.
You were up all night hashing out this situation, and that's the best you could do? Raige, honey. You're not even trying anymore. Piper agrees, and smacks Raige against a chain-link storage area with a bit of Valkyriean telekinesis, so offensive is the tawdry verse. Phoebe, panicked, babbles some new-age crap about owning your emotions, so Piper spins around and plants a hefty boot in the Fun Bags. Hooray! Phoebe joins Raige on the concrete just as Darryl squeals up in a squad car. He shouts, "Police! Drop your weapons!" and trains his service revolver on the Brides plus Curly and Moe. Crafty Larry, lurking on the other side of the room, flings a dagger end-over-end at Darryl's baby 'fro. Piper instinctively tosses out a freeze. Darryl s-l-o-w-l-y turns around and goes cross-eyed staring at the frozen dagger's tip hovering inches away from the bridge of his nose. Heh. This halt in the action allows Vaughn enough time to open a crappy green overlay in the middle of the garage. The instantly sheepish Stooges meekly pass through it, followed by the Brides. The last, Strap-On, urges Piper to hurry. See how she trusts Piper now? Aw. Not. After a pensive beat, Piper jogs through the portal and into the final commercial break.